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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1651
    glennsexton's Avatar
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    Oh now that's funny, Barb - I'm sure you "heard" this from someone else and that's there is no personal experience involved here eh?
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  2. #1652
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

    Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

    The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

    Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
    The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
    'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

    *******************
    A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
    The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
    The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
    The preacher said, 'No shit?'


    ********************
    Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
    With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
    After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
    The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
    'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed.. 'For me?'
    'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

    **************************
    One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

    **************************
    A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

    *************************
    Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

    *************************
    Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

  3. #1653
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    On their way to get married, a young couple is involved
    in a fatal car accident.. The couple find themselves
    sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to
    process them into Heaven.

    While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get
    married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

    St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has
    asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves..

    The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the
    couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they
    were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal
    aspect of it all.
    'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered,
    'Are we stuck together forever?'

    After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking
    somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple,
    'you can get married in Heaven.'

    'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if
    things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven ?'

    St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
    'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

    'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to
    find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me
    to find a lawyer?'

  4. #1654
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    The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked people who live in California if they think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

    29% responded, "Yes, it is a serious problem."

    71% responded, "No es una problema serioso.."
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  5. #1655
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    I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy and everything crazy going on in my life I called the Suicide Hotline. Got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  6. #1656
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    It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and over 300 Seniors came to see the show.
    Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a Trance; I intend to hypnotize
    each and every member of the Audience.'

    The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a Beautiful antique pocket watch from his
    coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special Watch. It's been
    in my family for six generations.'
    He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
    'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...
    'The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
    gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,
    suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

    'SH*T!!!' said the Hypnotist.

    It took three days to clean up the Senior Cente
    r.

  7. #1657
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    For those that don't know about history ..... Here is a condensed version:



    Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer i
    n the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter..

    The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
    1. Liberals, and
    2. Conservatives.

    Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

    Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

    Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement..

    Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

    Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

    Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

    Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

    Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

    Here ends today's lesson in world history:

    It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

    A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

    And there you have it...

    Let your next action reveal your true self .

  8. #1658
    hotrodstude is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    what do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the river???



    a good start.

  9. #1659
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Old Fart Football

    An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, Seven Points.'

    His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
    The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

    A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says Touchdown, tie score.'

    After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
    'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

    Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
    'Touchdown, tie score.'

    Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
    'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

    He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
    Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally sh!ts in the bed.

    The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

    The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

  10. #1660
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    A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight to the
    counter and says, "Hi... you know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
    I'd really rather have a job."

    The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is
    excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy
    old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac
    daughter.

    You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all
    of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be
    provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday
    trips.

    You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a
    two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary
    is $200,000 a year".

    The guy says, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"

    The social worker reponds, "Yeah, well, you started it.

  11. #1661
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    Irish Sex



    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman..'


    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

    The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

    The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'


    The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 onthe box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

    Looks of Disappointment

    An Irishman was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

    His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

    She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

    The man replied, The drugs are wearing off.'

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
    Catholic Dog

    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

    Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

    Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

    Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
    Donation

    Father O'Malley20answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
    'It is!'

    'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

    'I can!'

    'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

    'I do!'

    'Is he a member of your congregation?'

    'He is!'

    'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

    'He will.'


    6. Confession




    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

    Man:
    'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

    Man: 'What sins?'

    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

    Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

    7. Brothel Trip



    An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

    'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

    '90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

    'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

    8. Senility

    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

    'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

    9. Pest Control

    An Irishwoman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

    'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

    The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

    'Who are ya?' he asked him.

    'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the
    exterminator.

    'What are ya doing in there?' the husband asked.

    'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man rep lied.

    'And where are ya clothes?' asked the husband.

    The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little
    bastards!'...
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  12. #1662
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    DDDaaammmm I never thought this thread would never take off But I have been wrong many time before Oh Boy many times before anyway we wont go there , i guess I'll have to post some more jokes
    drive it like ya stole it

  13. #1663
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    This Guy Walk In To This Bar And Sat Down And Order A Beer He Notice That There Were Only Guys In The Bar He Ask The Old Lady Behind The Bar If This Was One Of Those Funny Kind Of Bars And She explained Yes That She Bought The Bar For Her Son And He Was Gay But She Said Don't Worry They Will Leave You A Lone So After A Couple Of Beers He Had To Go Take A Pee So He Got Up And Went To The Head While He Was Taking A Pee A Gentleman Walk In behind him And Started To Use The Urnal next to him And He Look Down And Notice He Had A Nicaderm Patch On His Yahoo So He Said Dam Do Them Things Work The Gentleman Said Why Yes They Do I'm Down To Two Butts A day Now
    drive it like ya stole it

  14. #1664
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    The love story of Ralph and Edna...

    Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.


    Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

    He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

    Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.


    When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.


    When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

    The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

    Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

  15. #1665
    Larry M's Avatar
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    Blonde with a Password

    During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

    MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

    When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
    Every Day I Wake Up Above Ground Is a Good Day!!

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