Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Too True!!
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Uncle Bob posted this on FB and I'm sharing it here!
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The Pope dies and at heaven he's met with a reception committee of angels who tell him he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He reads all of the original texts of the Holy Scriptures, and spent the next eon or so learning the languages.
After becoming a linguistic master he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent 'easy reading' to the original hand-written scripts.
The librarian angel hears a loud scream and finds the Pope huddled in a chair shaking and crying.
"The R! They left out the R!"
"What do you mean?" asks the librarian.
After collecting his wits, the Pope stops sobbing long enough to say: "The word was CELEBRATE!"

Thanks to the people who assured me that it's fine to allow your pets to sleep on your bed.

Now my goldfish is dead.

OH MY JB! Even Chris was laughing... between saying Oh, He was bad!

'Dear Paddy,

Your father has a new job, with 2,000 people under him. He's a gardener at the local cemetery.
Since I last wrote I have had all my teeth out and a new cooker put in.
I was going to send you a turkey but it got better.
I sent you a coat in the post. When the post office weighed it they said I'd have to pay extra for the buttons because they were so heavy. So I cut the buttons off. You'll find them in the top pocket.
We've had a threatening letter from the undertaker. Unless we pay the outstanding money for your grandma's funeral by Wednesday - up she comes.
I must close now. I would have enclosed some money, but I'd already sealed the envelope.
A team of council workers were drilling nearby and accidentally cut through the drains to the house. Since then there's been a terrible smell from your loving mother, Nancy.'

When you are
Feeling powerless
Just Remember, a
Single one of your
Turds can Shut
Down an entire Water Park

Originally Posted by TOW'D

When you are
Feeling powerless
Just Remember, a
Single one of your
Turds can Shut
Down an entire Water Park

Ever visit Disney? You know all the water rides they have? Guess where they get all that water from??? Yep, their wastewater plant. They consume so much chlorine the water turns it all yellow.

Saw this recently......
The late Bobby Bowden, Florida State football coach, told this speed trap story.
He was driving through Gainesville on an elevated section of the interstate.
He knew there was a speeding camera located on the upper floors of an adjacent building.
He slowed down ahead of time but noticed the camera flashed anyway.
Knowing he wasn't speeding he looped back and passed 5 MPH slower, the camera flashed again.
He again took the exit and looped back 10 MPH slower, the camera flashed again.
Very upset, he gave up and went home.
The next week he received three citations from the Gainesville Police Dept.......
For driving without a seatbelt.

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he
Accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork’s hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, ‘Lets be ‘avin’ Da fingers and I'll see what Oi can do'.
Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got Da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven’t got Da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, its 2009!
We be havin microsurgery and all kinda incredible Techniques.
Oi could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn’t ya bring Da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said,
‘How Da f*ck was I 'spose to pick ‘em up????

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a U.S. Congressman", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.

This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

That's a good one Glenn.. and in a little while we head to the polls! How appropriate.

What is it that Charlie says in his Signature Line? Ya' Just Can't Fix Stupid!!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.


On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

An oldie but a goodie! Always funny that one. Thanks Tow'd