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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1621
    HOSS429's Avatar
    HOSS429 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    a friend of mine dates girl named kate .. but he`s also looking hard at a woman named edith .. he asked for my advice .. i said jim !! .. you cant have your kate -and edith too
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  2. #1622
    HOSS429's Avatar
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    This is an Incredible story!

    In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

    On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

    The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

    He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
    As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
    after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
    The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
    Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
    Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
    Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
    Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
    As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
    walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
    The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
    The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
    Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
    Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
    He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
    The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
    and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
    Probably wasn't the same elephant.






    This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bull*#%^ stories.
    Last edited by HOSS429; 08-12-2009 at 06:56 AM.
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  3. #1623
    Larry M's Avatar
    Larry M is offline Senior Club Hot Rod Member Lifetime Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: '23 Tall "T" Coupe 400 SBC
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    For the serious hobbyist/DIY practitioner who has everything else. Cordless, too!

    New Nail Gun, made by DeWALT.
    It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards.
    This makes construction a breeze,
    you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.
    With the five hundred round magazine, you can build even the longest fence with a minimum of reloading.

    Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back, relax with a cold beer and when she has the board in the right place, just fire away.
    After a day of fence building with the new DeWalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife will not ask you to build or fix anything else again.
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    Every Day I Wake Up Above Ground Is a Good Day!!

  4. #1624
    Larry M's Avatar
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    Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

    Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

    Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.


    Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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    Every Day I Wake Up Above Ground Is a Good Day!!

  5. #1625
    Larry M's Avatar
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    New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

    I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

    For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

    Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

    An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b....

    If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

    Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

    They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

    Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

    An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

    These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

    Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

    ***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

    If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
    Every Day I Wake Up Above Ground Is a Good Day!!

  6. #1626
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to actually writing the ticket, and as he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said,
    "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." The farmer said, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper nodded and went back to writing the ticket.
    Then after a minute he stopped and said, "Hey, wait a minute... are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer replied, "Oh, no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper said, "Well, that's a good thing," and went back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer said, "Hard to fool them flies though."

  7. #1627
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    1.. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I
    didn't.

    2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

    3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

    4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

    6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

    7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

    9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

    10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

    11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

    12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

    13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

    14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

    15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

    16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

    17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

    18.. Procrastinate Now!

    19..I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

    20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes..

    21..A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

    22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

    23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

    24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

    25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

    26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.

    27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

    28..The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

    29.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
    Last edited by fitzwilly; 08-25-2009 at 02:55 PM.

  8. #1628
    abicarsy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Nice post! It is really interesting.
    Honda Accord 2008 Car Parts Information

  9. #1629
    IC2
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    World's shortest fairytale

    Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, drove fast cars and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and Jack Daniels bourbon and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted and scratched whenever he wanted. THE END
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  10. #1630
    jyardgirl's Avatar
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    now thats a good one dave.
    BARB

    LET THE FUN BEGIN

  11. #1631
    glennsexton's Avatar
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    For Everything Else.. There's Mastercard
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    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  12. #1632
    glennsexton's Avatar
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    I was confused when I heard the word 'service ' used with these agencies.

    Internal Revenue 'Service '
    Postal 'Service '
    Telephone 'Service '
    Cable TV 'Service '
    Civil 'Service '
    Provincial, City, County & Public 'Service '
    Customer 'Service '


    This is not what I thought 'service ' meant.


    But today, I overheard two farmers talking,
    and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service ' a few cows.


    BAM!!! It all came into focus.

    Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  13. #1633
    fitzwilly's Avatar
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    A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

    On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but
    less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as
    first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the
    injured Marine what had happened.

    The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along
    the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
    We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the
    road.

    I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife
    scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted
    Kennedy was a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who
    didn't know how to drive, and Obama is an idiot .

    So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses
    and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.

    He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

    "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when
    a truck hit us."

  14. #1634
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    The local news station was interviewing an 84 year old lady because she had just gotten married...... for the fourth time.
    The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation.
    "He's a funeral director," she stated.
    Interesting, the interviewer thought.
    Then he asked her if she wouldn't mind telling a bit about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
    She paused for a moment, needing time to reflect on all those years.

    After a moment, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly that she had married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's and, now, in her 80's, a funeral director.
    The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked her why she had married men of such diverse careers.
    "Easy son," she answered.
    "I married one for the money,... two for the show,... three to get ready and four to go."

  15. #1635
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    :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

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