Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Bob's out with his buddies one night and about 10:00 he's feeling a bit frisky and a bit guilty so he heads home only to find his dear wife sound asleep with her mouth open just a bit. He then tip toes quietly to the bathroom and returns with a couple aspirins and slips them into her mouth.

Gagging, she wakes up and asks, "what are you doing?" to which Bob replies, "I was giving you a couple aspirin."

"What ever for? I don't have a headache!" which delighted Bob no end as he sang out, "That's all I needed to hear!"

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawnmower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and b egan to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."

Good One!!

How about this one -

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant,' If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."
"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Air New Zealand always pulls out on time, and ask her explain that to you."

Redneck Word Of The Day:

OBAMA




I just wiped my butt OBAMA self

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said, "Easter is a holiday where we have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Erm .....Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Nope!" and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said,"So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having a Passover feast with His disciples when Judas betrayed him, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross where, after much suffering, He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder... "

St. Peter said, "Yes! Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "So now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of winter, unless it coincides with “Rrrroll up the Rrrrrim” week, in which case, Jesus goes back into his hole until after the hockey playoffs."

St. Peter fainted......

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

I may take a Sutherner or a Suthern Baptist to appreciate this !
I have seen, heard and known many of these ?ladies? in my life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xv7REV2HEY
Enjoy,
meller

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'





(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

The Newfie Painter

George, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

His fame grew and soon people from all over the country
were coming to him in Gander for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.
She asked George if he would paint her in the nude.

This was the first time anyone had made this request.
The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, George asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Would be me pleasure ma'am.
Missus says it's okay. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I has ta leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."

Dementia quiz

first question:

You are a participant in a race. You overtake
the second person. What position are you in?





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answer: If you answered that you are first,
then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the
second person and you take his place, you are in second place!

Try to do better next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as
you took for the first question, ok?



Second question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are....?
(scroll down)




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answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are.....
Wrong again. Tell me sunshine, how can you overtake the last person??


You're not very good at this, are you?

Third question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note:
This must be done in your head only.
Do not use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000.
Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for the correct answer.....




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did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100...



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?

Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe...

Fourth question:

Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ???
2. What is the name of the fifth daughter?






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did you answer nunu? No! Of course it isn't.
Her name is mary! Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round,
i.e., a final chance to
redeem yourself:


A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he
successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a
pair of sunglasses; how does he indicate what he wants?





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it's really very simple
he opens his mouth and asks for it...
Does your employer actually pay you to think??
If so do not let them see your answers for this test!



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Men Are Seldom Depressed...

Men Are Just Happier People.
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

CATHOLIC GOLF

Catholic or not you have to laugh at this one.


A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going
to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice.


"Shit, I missed."