Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box
under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the
afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and
she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew
what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was
such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a
special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept
my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today
the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why
do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it
again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am
very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you
are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that
bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made
their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you
have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box fills up with empty cans, I
take them to the recycling center and redeem them for cash.

Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q.Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

A local fella on his way to a meeting is driving down this country lane. He spots a rabbit on the edger of the road. Just as he is about to pass he is shocked to observe the rabbit hop into his path.

Sure enough bump bump, he knows he has become the unintended executioner of our poor rabbit. He stops and walks back to the scene of the carnage. The rabbit is laying there utterly lifeless. The driver is torn whether to leave the scene as is or remove the rabbit for burial later. When along comes another motorist.

The car stops and a rather stunning blond haired women comes over to the fella and asks if he is OK. Our fella explains what just occurred, expressing grief over the loss of a even a life so small as the rabbit's.

The lady exclaims "I have just the thing for this" She pops her trunk and reaches into one of several boxes in there and retrieves what looks to be a spray can of sorts.

She liberally sprays the rabbit for a few seconds and to the amazement of our distraught fella, the rabbit comes back to life, turns and begins hopping down the road away from the scene & every few hops, he stops, turns and waves back to the pair in the road. Our fella, truly amazed at this point query's the lady, "That was amazing, what is in that can?"

Hair spray she replies, I am an Avon says the blond lady.

"But how did that bring that poor rabbit back from the dead?" he asked.

She holds up the can and reads.
"Avon Supreme Rejuvenating Hair Spray"
"Restores dead hair and installs a permanent wave"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SIGN OF THE TIMES

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
Time wounds all heels.
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels.
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place.
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
We repair what your husband fixed.
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
Invite us to your next blowout.
**************************
At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
Let us remove your shorts.
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push.�
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment.
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
**************************
At the Electric Company
We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up.
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home
Drive carefully. We'll wait.
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.
**************************
AT A CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
Best place in town to take a leak.
**************************
On the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises.

Like a lot of Americans, I decided to buy another gun today but
there was a bit of confusion at Academy this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and
bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the local newspaper about
the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

Good one Mello! ROFL..

Thank ya Sir:

My wife left me the other day
Said she was going to get milk
And she never came back

I'm hanging in there
And doing pretty good
I've been using that powdered stuff

A doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty the next day. No matter how hard he tried to forget about it, his shame was overwhelming. However, he'd hear a reassuring voice in his head that said, "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to have sex with one of his patients. Then he would hear another voice in his head say: "You are a sick SOB," it whispered, "and a terrible veterinarian!"

The Population of this country is 310 million.

160 Million are retired.


That leaves 140 million to do the Work.


There are 85 million in school.


Which leaves 55 million to do the work.


Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
Government.


Leaving 20 million to do the work.


2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied


With killing TERRORISTS. Which leaves 17.2
Million to do the work.


Take from that total the 15.8 Million people who work
for state and city Governments.


That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.


At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.


Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.


With 1,211,998 people in prisons.


That leaves just two people to do the Work.


You and me.

And there You are,

Sitting on your ass,


At your computer, reading jokes


Nice.......... Real nice.

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Amazing!!! All of the cards in the first set are gone!
Replaced with different cards of different suits (one missing, of course)
in the second set! What a magician!
(I’m no ordinary dummy!)

Number of physicians in the US = 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000.
Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171

Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500
Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188

Conclusion - Doctors are approximately 9000 times more dangerous than gun owners!

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
.
.

Cletus& Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

(Don't make me come splain this to you!
Read the last line again, slowly.)




Our government at work!


A guy stopped at a local gas station & after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy. "

Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no
male employees. She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was
completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.

Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but, I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 per month in living expenses.