Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan fried drop scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even greater effort. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon

She said "F**k off! They're for the funeral."

What a beautiful love story!!

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin.. perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo aboot time for a wee cuddle.” The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.
And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg.” The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

“Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. “Well, noo,” he said, ‘my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.’ “Really?” said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

“Aye,” said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, “Dae ye nae think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”

An Englishman died unexpectedly.

His best mates were an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman. A few weeks before his death the Englishman had bought tickets for them all to attend a game of football together; and the other three owed him 100 pounds each.

At the funeral the deceased's wife gently reminded them of the debt.

The Welshman decided it would be a nice gesture to drop a hundred in cash into the casket and did so. The Irishman saw this and did likewise.

The Scot went over to the open casket, wrote out a cheque for 300 pounds, and took out the other two hundred in cash as his change.

I must drink too much Scotch. It sounds fine.

Some of us (Ryan? R2?) are in trouble...
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Originally Posted by rspears

Some of us (Ryan? R2?) are in trouble...
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Attachment 73819

OOoo Boy.. I'm in trouble too! But not as bad as those other 2 slackers! HAHAHAHAHA...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a “mail-order” bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said,

“She’ll be twenty-one in November.”

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

“How’s the new wife?”, asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, “Good – she’s pregnant.”

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued,

“And how’s the hired hand?”

Without hesitating, Tom said,

“She’s pregnant too.”

Don’t ever underestimate us old Geezers.

??_??_??_???

A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glass that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice either.'
The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp.
She then throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, and setting it on the bar, while calling for a refill, she says, 'In Arizona , we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
God Bless Arizona

The local law enforcement guys & gals all have stories to tell about the Little Princesses....

Speeder.jpg

Sure cure for whatever is geting you down...

Anyone relate with this?? just sayin....

Originally Posted by glennsexton

Anyone relate with this?? just sayin....

I believe I have heard and lived through all of those responses at least one time for each!