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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #2896
    42K3's Avatar
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    Siamese twin men walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar
    stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined
    at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft
    please."

    The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
    conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, guys?"

    "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year,
    rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

    "Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history,
    the beer, the culture..."

    "Nah, we don't like that British baloney," says John. "Hamburgers and
    Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English food
    and warm beer. Plus they're so arrogant and rude to the colonials."

    "So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

    "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
    Rrumbler, lamin8r and 40FordDeluxe like this.

  2. #2897
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    An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her
    paintings that were on display.

    "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."

    "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

    "The gentleman was your doctor."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Heaviest Element Discovered

    A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science -Governmentium.

    It has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons that are further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like sub-particles called peons.

    Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be detected, however, since it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

    A tiny amount of Governmentium can take a reaction that normally occurs in seconds and slow it to the point where it takes days.

    Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years. It doesn't decay but "reorganizes," a process where assistant deputy neutrons and deputy neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in the confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isodopes.

    This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some speculation that Governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in concentration, forming critical morass.

    Researchers believe that in Governmentium, the more you reorganize, the morass you cover.
    34_40, stovens, lamin8r and 1 others like this.

  3. #2898
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    Wooohooo!!!
    Just found $12.86 and a hat outside the train station.
    I thought some guy was going to pick them up but he seemed more interested in playing his guitar.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  4. #2899
    34_40's Avatar
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    A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1911 Colt pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been screwing my wife?"



    A voice from the back of the room called out...



    "You'll need more ammo!"
    42K3, rspears, stovens and 1 others like this.

  5. #2900
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    Sex On Mars

    The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
    enough Frequent Flier miles.

    They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

    Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,
    how they make money, etc.

    Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

    'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

    The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

    A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
    the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go off
    to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny,weenie member
    about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

    'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..

    'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

    'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

    'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
    With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
    impressively long.

    'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

    'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
    member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
    exciting to the woman.

    'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

    The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
    separate ways.

    As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

    'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

    'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
    slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
    Rrumbler, 42K3, stovens and 1 others like this.

  6. #2901
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    A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.
    First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
    Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
    Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
    Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table but there’s no punchline.
    Rrumbler, 42K3, stovens and 1 others like this.

  7. #2902
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mudduck3 View Post
    A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.
    First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
    Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
    Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
    Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table but there’s no punchline.
    Arrr arrr arrr hehehe
    Micah 6:8

    If we aren't supposed to have midnight snacks,,,WHY is there a light in the refrigerator???

    Robin.

  8. #2903
    Rrumbler is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Quote Originally Posted by lamin8r View Post
    Arrr arrr arrr hehehe
    Yep, that's what I said the first time I heard this. Moaaaaannnn!



    .
    Rrumbler, Aka: Hey you, "Old School", Hairy, and other unsavory monickers.

    Twistin' and bangin' on stuff for about sixty or so years; beat up and busted, but not entirely dead - yet.

  9. #2904
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mudduck3 View Post
    A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.
    First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
    Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
    Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
    Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table but there’s no punchline.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  10. #2905
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    On Monday morning the Postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

    As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
    His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
    'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

    Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
    We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and It got a bit wild.
    We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'
    The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
    'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.

    Then the women try to guess who it is.'

    The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'
    'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times...
    Rrumbler, 42K3, rspears and 6 others like this.

  11. #2906
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    It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet....nobody was married.

    Here are the single people that come to mind. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara...

    in fact, the only one married was Otis and he stayed drunk.
    42K3, stovens, lamin8r and 3 others like this.

  12. #2907
    Rrumbler is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Quote Originally Posted by 34_40 View Post
    On Monday morning the Postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

    As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
    His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
    'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

    Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
    We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and It got a bit wild.
    We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'
    The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
    'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.

    Then the women try to guess who it is.'

    The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'
    'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times...

    Puts me in mind of a true story that might be amusing to some, it sure is and was to my family.

    In the mid fifties, my folks decided to move from the semi-urban area of Los Angeles to the suburbs some thirty miles to the east. In doing so, my Dad, who worked for the Postal Service, took a job as a mail carrier, and my Mom, who usually held a full time job as well, took a bit of time off and stayed home for a few months. My Dad delivered various routes in the community, and once or twice a week, he did the route that we lived on, and it was a bicycle route - anyone remember the post office bikes? In addition, my Grandfather operated a milk distributorship, and on Tuesday and Friday, he stopped by the house to leave milk and stuff. One day, I was sitting on the curb down the street visiting with another kid, and a few of the neighbor ladies were at the mail boxes between their houses, talking. I heard them mention "that woman down at the end of the street, 'the merry widow of Galatea'"; "she is a very busy woman", said one, and another made some other snide remark about this woman entertaining all sorts of men during the day, that the postman visited her at least a couple of times a week around lunchtime, and that the milkman also came around twice a week and stayed for a while; sometimes, both men were there at the same time. There was a lot of clucking and tsking, and they went on gossiping about other folks on our street. It finally dawned on my thirteen year old brain who they were talking about. I told my folks about it, and they were somewhat taken aback, but we got a real laugh out of the episode, and my Mom actually joined in the gossip that went around the neighborhood, and let on subtly what her husband and father-in-law did for a living. That episode was a source of a lot of amusement for us over the years.

    .
    Rrumbler, Aka: Hey you, "Old School", Hairy, and other unsavory monickers.

    Twistin' and bangin' on stuff for about sixty or so years; beat up and busted, but not entirely dead - yet.

  13. #2908
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    The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

    He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

    Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her.

    As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his
    steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again.

    Don't women just love shopping for shoes ?
    Rrumbler, 34_40, stovens and 3 others like this.

  14. #2909
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    An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."

    To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

    And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."
    So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

    He replies, "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
    The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

    He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git maself a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."
    The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells…..."SUPPLIES!''
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  15. #2910
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    OHHHhhhh Groannnnnn... ouch!
    Rrumbler, stovens and 40FordDeluxe like this.

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