Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Why Men Live So Long


God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will

work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on

your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will

live for 35 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too

much. Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You

will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to

whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his

table scraps and live for 30 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like

that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey.

You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You

will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown

of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10

years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the

only rational Being that walks the earth. You will
use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of
the world.
You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too

little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused,

the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey

rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry

and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy

loads on his back. Then, he is to have

children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and

eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry;

then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting

like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so...

Sigh.
Ain't that the truth.

A little Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him.

He looks down and says:
"7 ft. tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown."
The little Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him round, shaking him.
The big guy says,
"What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice, the little guy says,
"What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"
The big dude says,
"Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................
I 'm 7 ft. tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown."
The Irishman says: "Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, “Turn around!"

Originally Posted by 34_40

A little Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him.

He looks down and says:
"7 ft. tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown."
The little Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him round, shaking him.
The big guy says,
"What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice, the little guy says,
"What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"
The big dude says,
"Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................
I 'm 7 ft. tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown."
The Irishman says: "Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, “Turn around!"

Nah, it wasn't a little Irishman, it was Jared; and it wasn't an elevator, it was the cell block.....

Originally Posted by rspears

Nah, it wasn't a little Irishman, it was Jared; and it wasn't an elevator, it was the cell block.....

Can only hope what he did comes back to him 10 fold.

Seniors' Tax Return

I just received my tax return for 2014 back from the Revenue Canada. It puzzles me!!!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the line : "List all dependents" ...

I replied: 2 million Native Indians; 1 million crack heads; 7.3 million unemployed people; 100,000 people in prisons; Half of Haiti; 105 Senators and 308 Members of Parliament.
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF,










WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?

.

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you."

In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me"

The parrot replied, "Yes."

Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?"

The parrot said, "Moses."

The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Moses?"

The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus."

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. A week later they get together to discuss the results.

The priest begins: “When I found a bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

The rabbi was in a wheel chair and in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

Men are deep thinkers:

A gentleman mowed his lawn today, and after doing so he sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
His wife walked by and asked him what he was doing and he said 'nothing'.

The reason he said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point he would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally he thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, he come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for his conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think It would nice to have another kick in the nuts."

Time for another beer.

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.


The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $50 in the box and go and sin no more."


A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $50 in the box and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once."

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $50.”

Ok, KiwiDreamer, you get a trophy for that one; you did the almost impossible, you made me laugh 'til I couldn't get my breath. I am not much of a laugher; the best most folks get from me is a smirk or a humph; that one had me hee-hawing.

.

TOUGH SITUATION:

A man went to the Harborview Medical Center in Seattle, Washington, to have his wedding ring cut off his penis. According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.


I don't know what's worse:


1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis....OR...
3. Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.


Tough call. You decide.

Some of you may not remember the old-time Jewish comedians: Shecky
Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Young man, and
others. But some of us miss their kind of humour. Not a single swear
word in their routines, and you don't have to be Jewish to enjoy their
jokes.

*A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic asks, "Are you
comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

*I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

*I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds
out, she'll kill me!

*Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The
thief spends less than my wife did.

*We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

*My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls
it the Dead Sea.

*My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

*My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the
mud fell off.

*The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

*The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
back."Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

*Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

*A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc,
how do I stand?"
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

*Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

*A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought
here for drinking."
The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

*Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason is Won Ton
spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In
Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it
graduates from law school.

*Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

*Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

*Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too
good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She replied, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said,"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in
case you should call."

*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two
choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a
part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a
speaking part."

*Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

*Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody."

*A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his
birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says,
"What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"

*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the
street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force
yourself," she replied.

*Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

*Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.