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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #2686
    stovens's Avatar
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    40FordDeluxe likes this.
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  2. #2687
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    OK so I stole this while looking up Boyle's Law
    hank


    Hell Explained in relation to Boyles Law EXO or ENDO?



    The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona

    chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.



    The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is,

    of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:



    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?



    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is

    compressed) or some variant.



    One student, however, wrote the following:



    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving

    into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets

    to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different

    religions that exist in the world today.



    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one

    of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth

    and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of

    change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,

    the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.



    This gives two possibilities:



    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will

    increase until all Hell breaks loose.



    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.



    So which is it?



    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,'

    and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic

    and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more

    souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,

    Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'



    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
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  3. #2688
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    The Golfer's Confession


    A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

    "What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.

    "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."

    "When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.

    "I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

    "Is that when you swore?"

    "No, Father." Said the man.

    "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

    Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.

    "Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

    "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.

    "No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

    "Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.

    "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

    "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
    34_40, stovens and 40FordDeluxe like this.

  4. #2689
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    Can anyone relate to this one? GRRRRRRRRRRR

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_-xTxP1hD4
    Rrumbler, glennsexton and stovens like this.

  5. #2690
    42K3's Avatar
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1942 IH K3
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    One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw 2 men by the road-side eating grass.
    Disturbed, he ordered the driver to stop so he could get out and investigate.
    The lawyer ask one of the men, "why are you eating grass?"
    The man replied "We have no money for food, so we must eat grass to survive" the poor man replied.
    Well then, the lawyer replied, "you can come to my house and I'll feed you".
    But sir, I have a wife and 2 children with me, they are over there, under that tree. said the poor man.
    Bring then along, proclaims the lawyer.
    The lawyer then turned to the other poor man and said, you may come with us also.
    The second man says "but sir, I have a wife and SIX children with ME".
    That's OK says the lawyer, bring them along.
    So they all got into the limousine, and once under way, the first poor man says "Sir, you are too kind,"
    "thank you for taking us along with you".
    The lawyer replies, "glad to do it", "you will really love my house",
    "the grass is almost a foot high."

  6. #2691
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    Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate
    exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have
    either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

    The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the
    receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large
    unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.

    In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME
    HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

    All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to
    look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

    But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
    "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I
    DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

    The room erupted in applause!
    DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!

  7. #2692
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    Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

    "I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says Silvio, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'


    "Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?"

    "Who said my Father's dead?''

    The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive! How old is he?"

    "He's 100 years old," says Silvio. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too."

    "Well,' the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?"

    "Who said my Nonno's dead?"

    Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

    "He's 118 years old," says the Old Italian golfer.

    The doctor is getting frustrated at this point.
    "So. I suppose he went golfing with you this morning, too?"

    "No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today"

    At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?"

    "Who said he wanted to get married?"

  8. #2693
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    AN AMISH LADY DRIVER IS PULLED OVER:



    "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."


    "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."


    "Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."


    "Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.


    "Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
    Rrumbler, stovens and 40FordDeluxe like this.

  9. #2694
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    A church's bell ringer passed away.
    The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job.
    The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
    They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody.
    They gave him the job on the spot.
    The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below.
    Two priests were walking past.
    One asked, "Do you know this guy?"
    The other responded . . . . . . . . .














    "No, but his face rings a bell."

    Didn't see that comin' did ya?!?
    Rrumbler, 34_40, stovens and 4 others like this.

  10. #2695
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    A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for
    the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started
    canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

    She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
    any odd jobs for her to do.

    "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much
    will you charge me?"

    Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

    The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would
    need were in the garage.

    The man's wife hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she not
    realize that our porch goes all the way round the house?"

    "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

    The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
    dumb blond jokes."

    A few hours later the blond came to the door to collect her money.

    "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

    "Yes" the blond replied, and I even had paint left over so I gave it two
    coats."

    Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her
    along with a £10 tip.

    "Thank you" the blond said, "and by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an
    Audi".
    40FordDeluxe likes this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  11. #2696
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    Sewing on a wee button..........

    Angus Broon of Glasgow, Scotland, comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants."
    "Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
    About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.
    Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god" what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"
    "Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, and she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread Mr. MacDonald walked in."
    lamin8r and 40FordDeluxe like this.

  12. #2697
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement ...and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he is my right-hand man, and he is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
    Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
    "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
    Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
    Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*ck off."

  13. #2698
    Fauxre's Avatar
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    Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
    The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
    Kiwidreamer and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    Wes
    You don't have to be crazy to do this...
    ... but it helps!

  14. #2699
    Fauxre's Avatar
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    I'm always a little skeptical when I read these these types of stories, but these seem to have the right feel.

    a_1028_20141111152803.jpg
    lamin8r and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    Wes
    You don't have to be crazy to do this...
    ... but it helps!

  15. #2700
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    Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, North of Marine Corp Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching near the crest of a hill.

    The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300+ miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and turned off.

    Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

    Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander demanding a response and criticizing the pilots and their tactics as well as questioning their intelligence at flying so near the Interstate.

    Back came a reply in true USMC style:

    Thank you for the message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air to ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the highly trained and very intelligent Marine piloting the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system mere seconds before the missile was launched and your hostile radar was destroyed.

    Thank you for your concerns.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

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