Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman

8:17 My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere

8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead

8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts

8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white..

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa

8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended

8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role

8:43 The council equalities officer arrived and threatened me with eviction

8:45 TV news crew from TVNZ shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist.

9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices... my children are taken by social services

9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live today, and it's going to get worse

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.

I must be 1/2 women, I had to read it 3 times

Friend of mine called & asked me if I could loan him $500 to help him pay his rent. I told him, "Give me a minute let me check my money situation & I'll call you right back."

Before I could check my account his sister calls & says, "Don’t give him any money because he's lying.” His Sister proceeds to tell me that he wants to use that $500 to get his girlfriend out of jail because he wants to be under the same roof with her for Valentine's Day.

So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give him the $500 because we all need help at times. So I called him back & said, "I got you."

A couple hours later, I got a call from the county jail and it was him. I say, "Hello" and he starts screaming & asking, “Why did you give me counterfeit money?!"

I replied, "So you & your girlfriend would be under the same roof for Valentine's Day..."

A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.

The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and £50,000.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money … but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates.”

To this the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now”.

We had a guy here locally who just lost his license to practice medicine, he got caught sleeping with one of his ex-patients! What a waste, all those years in school, all the studying and expense, all that time as an intern and putting up with all the crap from the Doctor's on staff! As a new Doc, he had to take all the cases the other doctors didn't want while they took the glory and good paying cases. He just bought a new Corvette, making payments on it so I suppose it will get repossessed. Kind of a damn shame, he was a really good Veterinarian!

This is a conversation between a man and a potential girlfriend.

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary!).

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: Oh, about 20 years, I suppose.

Woman:So, a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day, which puts your spending each month at $450.00.
In one year it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 or maybe more, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account, and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: “Are you okay? What’s your name?”

It’s John, and I’m okay, thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

John,” she said, “forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”

That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

"Oh, come on now,” Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive I was weak. “Well okay,” I finally agreed but thought to myself, “my wife won’t like it.”

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. I really need to go now.”

Don’t be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. “She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

Still under the cart, I guess.”

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces," I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,


"You've built a Golf Course?"

An elderly lady went to court for shoplifting.

What is it that you stole?” the judge asked her.

Well, Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches.”

Alright. How many peaches were in the can?”

Six,” she answered, wondering what he would ask that for.

Okay. Well, I’m going to give you six days of jail, since there were six peaches in the can, okay?
Does that sound fair to you?”

Yes, Your Honor. I suppose it does.”

“Your Honor!” her husband piped up. I thought you should also know… she also stole a can of peas…”

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No”, said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked, “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?”

“No I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now” she said,“Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?”

“No way” he said becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied:

“Good go look in the garage.”

8 words with 2 meanings..
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male....... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male...... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male....... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter- tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Again, the answer was "NO!"

"Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"

In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "Well first you gotta be dead!"

A married couple are travelling down the highway at about 40 mph with the husband behind the wheel.
The wife looks over at him and says “Honey, I know we’ve been married for fifteen years; but I want a divorce.”
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 45 mph.
She then says “I don’t want you to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend and he’s a better lover than you are.”
Again the husband says nothing but speeds up a bit more as his anger continues to build.
She says “I want the house.”
Again the husband speeds up and is now doing 55 mph.
She says “And I want the kids too.”
The husband again says nothing but just drives a bit faster.
Now he’s doing 70 mph.
She says “And I want the car, the cheque account, and all our credit cards as well.”
The husband starts to slowly veer towards the abutment of a bridge overpass.
She says “You’re taking all this very well; isn’t there something you want?”
The husband says “No; I’ve got all I need.”
She says “Really? What’s that?
Her husband, just before they hit the bridge abutment at 80 mph says “The airbag.”