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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #2686
    Mudduck3's Avatar
    Mudduck3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, “Did Santa get you that?" “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her five dollars. The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!" “Well,” says the little girl, “next year, tell Santa the d*ck goes under the horse and not on it."
    August Mariner likes this.

  2. #2687
    stovens's Avatar
    stovens is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 48 Ford F1
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    A Really Bad Day...

    It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you
    had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

    So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

    The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

    "No Problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and
    yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

    I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the
    ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. In a rage, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

    The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to
    the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

    A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Hi there. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

    The guy sighs and says: "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.

    Then this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

    The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets him enter.

    A few seconds later, a third guy comes up to the gate. Finally he says, "And
    what was YOUR day like?"

    The guy says, " OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator... "
    Mudduck3 likes this.
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  3. #2688
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    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1962 Ford Fairlane 2dr with 289
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    Can I have an AMEN ?

    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  4. #2689
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
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    A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:



    Husband:I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.

    Inspector:What is her height ?

    Husband:I never checked.

    Inspector:Slim or healthy ?.

    Husband:Not slim, shecan be healthy.

    Inspector:Color of eyes ?

    Husband:Never noticed.

    Inspector:Color of hair ?

    Husband:Changes according to season.

    Inspector:What was she wearing?

    Husband:Not sure. It may have been a dress or maybe a suit.

    Inspector:Was she driving?

    Husband: Yes.

    Inspector: Tell me the type & color of the car ? . . . . .

    Husband: A black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatictransmission with manual mode.It has full LED headlights,which use light emitting diodes for all light functions. It has a very thin scratch on the front left door.….and then the husband started crying...

    Inspector:Don't worry sir,... . .We will find your car.


    .
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  5. #2690
    fitzwilly's Avatar
    fitzwilly is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
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    Husband's call:

    "Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office.
    Paula brought me to the hospital.
    They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays.
    The blow to my head was severe.
    Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury.
    However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."

    Wife's Response:

    "Who is Paula?"

    And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.
    34_40 and rspears like this.

  6. #2691
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    A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
    The blonde replies, "Oh my God! How many is a brazilian?"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Q: What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
    A: A tearjerker.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
    A: Virgin Mobile

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
    A: A wet nose.

  7. #2692
    Mudduck3's Avatar
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    Truck with ADD!!

     



  8. #2693
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    download%20(5).jpg
    !!!!!!!!!
    ted dehaan and stovens like this.

  9. #2694
    fitzwilly's Avatar
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
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    THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
    At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
    At age 12 success is having friends.
    At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
    At age 20 success is having sex.
    At age 35 success is having money.
    At age 60 success is having sex.
    At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
    At age 75 success is having friends.
    At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

    It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.

  10. #2695
    rspears's Avatar
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    Car Year, Make, Model: '33 HiBoy Coupe
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    The "Buffalo Theory" of beer.
    A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so good for you!
    ted dehaan, johnboy and Mudduck3 like this.
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  11. #2696
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    A young lad named Richard from outback Queensland goes off to University, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

    He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

    'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue into that program?'

    'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young Jackaroo says, 'and I'll get him into the course.'

    So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

    **About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.*

    *The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

    'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

    'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

    'Just send $4,500. I'll get him into the class.'

    The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

    'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

    'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.*

    *Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Financial Review. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

    The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

    'I sure did, Dad!'

    'That's my boy!'

    The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
    __________________

  12. #2697
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1960 Lincoln Premier
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    Five Year Old Son


    Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.
    “What’s up Bob?” asked the bartender …
    It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”

    “It’s my five year old son …” Bob replied.

    “Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school?
    – my lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,”
    Said the bartender, sympathetically.


    “ I only wish it was that,” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that.

    The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”

    “Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.


    “It’s not,” said the man. "The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

  13. #2698
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
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    A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

    She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action.. as it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

    In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.

    The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

    Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

    She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.

    As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

  14. #2699
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
    The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
    The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
    He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
    The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
    The group fell silent for a moment.
    The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
    The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
    The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  15. #2700
    August Mariner's Avatar
    August Mariner is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
    The glass is neither half full or half empty it is too big :-)
    The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.

    Winston Churchill

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