Welcome to Club Hot Rod!  The premier site for everything to do with Hot Rod, Customs, Low Riders, Rat Rods, and more. 

  •  » Members from all over the US and the world!
  •  » Help from all over the world for your questions
  •  » Build logs for you and all members
  •  » Blogs
  •  » Image Gallery
  •  » Many thousands of members and hundreds of thousands of posts! 

YES! I want to register an account for free right now!  p.s.: For registered members this ad will NOT show

 
Like Tree2740Likes

Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

Reply To Thread
Page 182 of 219 FirstFirst ... 82 132 172 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 192 ... LastLast
Results 2,716 to 2,730 of 3285
  1. #2716
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
    Posts
    1,307

    A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem .

    While they were there, the wife passed away.
    The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home
    for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150."
    The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
    The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home,
    when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
    The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
    later he rose from the dead.

    I just can't take that chance."


    .
    Rrumbler, 34_40, lamin8r and 2 others like this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  2. #2717
    pepi's Avatar
    pepi is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Woodstock
    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 quick & fun a carnival ride on wheels
    Posts
    1,060

    TICK warning

     



    [IMG]Tick%20warning[2].jpg[/IMG]
    Attached Images
    34_40 and stovens like this.
    I have two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it

    Best viewed loud:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmmyMGQojzI

  3. #2718
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    659

    An airline pilot is walking through an airport when he is approached by a young lady.

    "Hello, I'm conducting a survey about the sexual habits of the nation. Would you mind telling me when you last had sex?"

    "It was 1958" he replies

    "Umm, if you don't mind me saying so, that seems quite a long time ago."

    "Not really" says the pilot "its only 20:42 now."

  4. #2719
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
    Posts
    1,307

    While strolling round the Harbour this morning about 11 am., I noticed a terrorist who slipped from the quayside and fell into the water.
    He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
    Being a responsible Canadian citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.
    It is now 4 p.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond.

    I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  5. #2720
    stovens's Avatar
    stovens is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Petaluma
    Car Year, Make, Model: 48 Ford F1
    Posts
    9,553

    Snotty Receptionist

    Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......

    The waiting room was filled with patients.

    As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.


    In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

    All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

    'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

    The room erupted in applause!

    DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS
    ted dehaan and glennsexton like this.
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  6. #2721
    stovens's Avatar
    stovens is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Petaluma
    Car Year, Make, Model: 48 Ford F1
    Posts
    9,553

    Snotty Receptionist

    Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......

    The waiting room was filled with patients.

    As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.


    In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

    All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

    'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

    The room erupted in applause!

    DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  7. #2722
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
    Posts
    1,307

    The Tooth Brush Salesman

    The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

    Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

    Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

    "Very good", said the teacher.

    Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

    "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

    Eventually, it was Little Mike's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Mike walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

    "$2,467", he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

    "Toothbrushes", said Little Mike.

    "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

    "I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Mike, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

    They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the Government method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

    Little Mike got an A+ for his assignment.
    Bless his heart.
    lamin8r and Kiwidreamer like this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  8. #2723
    TerpnGator's Avatar
    TerpnGator is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    CENTRAL FLORIDA
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1939
    Posts
    147
    Blog Entries
    1

    A man liying in the recovery room calls the nurse over and through his oxengen mask says to the nurse,
    Would you please check and see if my testicles are black
    the nurse replied, Im sorry sir I can't do that
    The man again said, please, it will only take a second, check and see if my testicles are black
    The nurse presisted, sir, that is something the doctor will have to do
    The man pressed on, I'm begging you, will you PLEASE check to see if my testicles are black
    Reluctantly, the nurse lifted the sheet, took the mans testicles in her hand, inspected them closely and pulled the sheet closed
    The man props himself up, removes his oxengen mask and says to the nurse
    Well thank you for that, but please listen carefully
    Will you please check to see if MY TEST RESULTS ARE BACK

  9. #2724
    echnidna's Avatar
    echnidna is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    Garvoc, Australia
    Posts
    70

    and she responded
    "nuts to you"
    lamin8r likes this.
    Regards
    Bob Thomas

    "if aussies were to steer from the left like the yanks, that would mean our women are always right!! "

  10. #2725
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
    Posts
    2,313

    A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?" The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back." The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out. Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?" From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."
    RestoRod, rspears, stovens and 1 others like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  11. #2726
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
    Posts
    2,313

    A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and asks, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?" Raising his voice, he continues, "Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no." With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, alright then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk quietly replies, "Um, because this is Home Depot."
    RestoRod, pepi and lamin8r like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  12. #2727
    rspears's Avatar
    rspears is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Gardner, KS
    Car Year, Make, Model: '33 HiBoy Coupe
    Posts
    9,764

    Since we're going ethnic, here's an Irish Text Message:

    Paddy texts his wife:
    "Mary, I am just having one more pint with the lads. If I am not home in 20 minutes, read this message again."
    stovens and lamin8r like this.
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  13. #2728
    pepi's Avatar
    pepi is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Woodstock
    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 quick & fun a carnival ride on wheels
    Posts
    1,060

    News you can trust

    imrs.php.jpeg
    glennsexton likes this.
    I have two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it

    Best viewed loud:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmmyMGQojzI

  14. #2729
    HOSS429's Avatar
    HOSS429 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    New Market
    Posts
    2,412

    Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go thru the pearly gates in heaven.
    >
    > The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
    > "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
    >
    > She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
    > Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.
    > I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
    > I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB
    > clinging to the rail by his fingertips.
    >
    > I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot.
    > He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
    > On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.
    > It hit the man and killed him.
    >
    > At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
    > Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
    >
    > The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
    > "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment.
    > I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.
    > I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
    > I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me.
    > I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
    > Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
    >
    > Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
    > He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
    >
    > I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest....
    lamin8r likes this.
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  15. #2730
    Rrumbler is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Las Vegas
    Car Year, Make, Model: Sans hot rod, sold the truck.
    Posts
    1,207

    Subject: Pilot in Distress


    THERE IS NOTHING MORE TO SAY !!!!!!



    This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
    He has a heart attack and dies.

    She, frantically calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and he's dead and I don't know how to fly. Help me! PLEASE HELP ME!”

    She hears a voice over the radio saying:
    "This is Air Traffic Control, retired Marine fighter pilot, and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you safely back on the ground. I have a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine!”

    “Now give me your height and position.”

    She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama.”

    "O.K." says the voice on the radio...."Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in heaven.”

    .
    34_40, lamin8r, Jack F and 1 others like this.
    Rrumbler, Aka: Hey you, "Old School", Hairy, and other unsavory monickers.

    Twistin' and bangin' on stuff for about sixty or so years; beat up and busted, but not entirely dead - yet.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Links monetized by VigLink