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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #2716
    Mudduck3's Avatar
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    What do you call a hooker with a runny nose??
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    Full!!

  2. #2717
    Mudduck3's Avatar
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    INTERESTING STUFF


    In the 1400's a law was set forth in England
    that a man was allowed to beat his wife
    with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
    Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

    ------------

    Many years ago in Scotland , a
    new game was invented.
    It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...
    Ladies Forbidden'... and thus,
    the word GOLF entered
    into the English language.

    ------------

    The first couple to
    be shown in bed together
    on prime time TV was
    Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

    ------------

    Every day more money
    is printed for Monopoly
    than the U.S. Treasury.

    ------------

    Men can read smaller
    print than women can;
    women can hear better.

    ------------

    Coca-Cola was
    originally green.

    ------------

    It is impossible to
    lick your elbow.

    ------------

    The State with the
    highest percentage of
    people who walk to work:

    Alaska

    ------------


    The percentage of
    Africa that is wilderness: 28%
    (now get this...)

    ------------

    The percentage of
    North America that is wilderness: 38%

    ------------

    The cost of raising
    a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

    $ 16,400

    ------------

    The average number of people
    airborne over the U.S.
    in any given hour:

    61,000

    ------------

    Intelligent people
    have more zinc and copper
    in their hair.

    ------------

    The first novel ever
    written on a typewriter:
    Tom Sawyer

    ------------

    The San Francisco
    Cable cars are the only mobile National
    Monuments.

    ------------

    Each king in a deck of playing cards
    represents a great king from history:

    Spades - King David

    Hearts - Charlemagne

    Clubs - Alexander, the Great

    Diamonds - Julius Caesar

    ------------

    111,111,111 x
    111,111,111 =
    12,345,678,987, 654,321

    ------------

    If a statue in the
    park of a person on a horse
    has both front legs in the air,
    the person died in battle.
    If the horse has one front leg in the air,
    the person died because
    of wounds received in battle.
    If the horse has all four legs
    on the ground, the person died
    of natural causes

    ------------

    Only two people signed the
    Declaration of Independence on July 4:
    John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
    Most of the rest signed on August 2,
    but the last signature
    wasn't added until 5 years later.

    ------------

    Q. Half of all Americans live
    within 50 miles of what?


    A. Their birthplace

    ------------

    Q. Most boat owners name their boats.
    What is the most popular boat name requested?

    A. Obsession

    ------------

    Q. If you were to spell out numbers,
    how far would you have to go until you
    would find the letter 'A'?

    A. One thousand

    ------------

    Q. What do bulletproof vests,
    fire escapes,
    windshield wipers
    and laser printers
    have in common?


    A. All were invented
    by women.

    ------------

    Q. What is the only
    food that doesn't spoil?

    A. Honey

    ------------

    Q. Which day are
    there more collect calls
    than any other day of the year?

    A. Father's Day

    ------------

    In Shakespeare's time,
    mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
    When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
    making the bed firmer to sleep on.
    Hence the phrase...
    'Goodnight , sleep tight'

    ------------

    It was the accepted practice
    in Babylon 4,000 years ago
    that for a month after the
    wedding, the bride's father
    would supply his son-in-law
    with all the mead he could drink.
    Mead is a honey beer and
    because their calendar
    was lunar based, this period
    was called the honey month,
    which we know today as
    the honeymoon..

    ------------

    In English pubs, ale
    is ordered by pints and quarts...
    So in old England , when
    customers got unruly, the bartender
    would yell at them 'Mind
    your pints and quarts, and settle down.'

    It's where we get
    the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

    ------------

    Many years ago in England ,
    pub frequenters had a whistle
    baked into the rim, or handle,
    of their ceramic cups.
    When they needed a refill,
    they used the whistle
    to get some service.
    'Wet your whistle'
    is the phrase
    inspired by this practice.

    ------------

    At least 75% of people who read
    this will try to lick their elbow!

    ------------

    Don't delete this just because it looks weird.
    Believe it or not, you can read it.

    I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
    Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

    ------------

    YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...



    1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.



    2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.



    3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.



    4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.



    5.Your reason for not staying in touch
    with friends and family is
    that they don't have e-mail addresses.



    6. You pull up in your own driveway and
    use your cell phone to see if anyone is
    home to help you carry in the groceries.



    7. Every commercial on television has
    a web site at the bottom of the screen



    8. Leaving the house without your cell phone,
    which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60)
    years of your life, is now a cause for
    panic and you turn around to go and get it.



    10. You get up in the morning and
    go on line before getting your coffee



    11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )



    12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.



    13. Even worse, you know exactly to
    whom you are going to forward this message.



    14. You are too busy to notice
    there was no #9 on this list.



    15. You actually scrolled back up
    to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list




    ~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~



    NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.



    Go lick your elbow!!!
    August Mariner likes this.

  3. #2718
    Rrumbler is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: Sans hot rod, sold the truck.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mudduck3 View Post
    What do you call a hooker with a runny nose??
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    Full!!
    Booo, hisss!!!!!!

    rspears and MelloYello like this.
    Rrumbler, Aka: Hey you, "Old School", Hairy, and other unsavory monickers.

    Twistin' and bangin' on stuff for about sixty or so years; beat up and busted, but not entirely dead - yet.

  4. #2719
    HOSS429's Avatar
    HOSS429 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

    Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

    Officer: Don't have one?

    Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Woman: I can't do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
    please!

    The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

    Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

    Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The first officer is stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

    Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
    ted dehaan, Rrumbler and 34_40 like this.
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  5. #2720
    Mudduck3's Avatar
    Mudduck3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 65 Mustang
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    Speaking of work . . .
    We got this letter today

    Revisions are as follows:

    SICK DAYS:
    We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    SURGERY:
    Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

    PERSONAL DAYS:
    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

    VACATION DAYS:
    All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

    BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

    OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
    This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

    RESTROOM USE:
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

    LUNCH BREAK:
    Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

    DRESS CODE:
    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

    -- Management

  6. #2721
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
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    1,307

    Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
    Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
    Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
    When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit............




    ***********


    This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
    I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."



    .

    When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?




    ***********


    I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."


    I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
    When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?




    ***********


    I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
    "Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
    After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
    I said, "Yesterday."
    When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?




    ***********


    I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
    The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
    When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?




    ***********


    I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
    The girl giggled and said, "Do you really
    think so."

    I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
    When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  7. #2722
    fitzwilly's Avatar
    fitzwilly is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
    Posts
    207

    This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

    I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.


    She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"


    I thought for a few seconds and asked,
    "What kind of ammo 'ya got?"

  8. #2723
    Mudduck3's Avatar
    Mudduck3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?
    A: A piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye.

  9. #2724
    rspears's Avatar
    rspears is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: '33 HiBoy Coupe
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    A young lady in the neighborhood related the other day, "Last year, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago. and I still hadn't, like, paid for them. OMG! Hellloooo,............ Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm, like, automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would, like, pay for themselves in a year. Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're, like, paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back.
    I bet he felt like an idiot."
    stovens likes this.
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  10. #2725
    chopt50wgn is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A dad taking his son for his first drink..................a dad took his son to the local pub. He ordered a Guinness but the son didn't like it, so he drank it. Then he ordered a Bud but the kid didn't like that either , so he drank that. Then he ordered a Coors light, but again the son did not like that ,so he drank that too. So by the time the dad started ordering whiskey, he was too drunk to push the stroller home.

  11. #2726
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
    Kiwidreamer is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1960 Lincoln Premier
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    The Simple Truth:

    SIMPLE TRUTH 1

    Lovers help each other undress before sex.
    However after sex, they always dress on their own.
    Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


    SIMPLE TRUTH 2

    When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats."
    But, none of them touch the man's penis and say "Good job."
    Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.


    FIVE Other Simple Truths

    1. Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
    2. Forgive your enemy but remember the jerk's name.
    3. If you help someone when they're in trouble they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
    4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
    5. Alcohol does not solve any problems but then neither does milk or water.


    Bonus Truth

    Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
    A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
    Rrumbler and August Mariner like this.

  12. #2727
    MelloYello's Avatar
    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Just plain funny !

    Ravenstoke Alaska
    stovens likes this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  13. #2728
    stovens's Avatar
    stovens is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    I'm moving to Ravenstoke!
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  14. #2729
    MelloYello's Avatar
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    Another boat intercepted off the Texas coast.

    The Navy intercepted a boatload of people off the Texas coast today.

    This placed the Navy in an awkward position as the boat was not heading to the USA, but towards Mexico and Central America.

    Another surprise finding was the people were white American retirement age seniors. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Central America or Southern Mexico as they wanted to return to the US as illegal immigrants. Then they would be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate American retirees.

    It is believed the Navy gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey.

    We are booking on the next boat out. Let me know if you want to join us.

    jerry clayton, 34_40 and Jack F like this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  15. #2730
    jerry clayton's Avatar
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    went Kayaking yesterday to start getting into shape for the bigger boat trip down in the gulf--------------went a little over 2 miles---some current going upstream but we went that way first so the return wouldn't be too hard-----------
    stovens and MelloYello like this.

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