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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #2581
    Mudduck3's Avatar
    Mudduck3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

  2. #2582
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    An Israeli doctor says: "in Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles, put them on another man and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

    The German doctor says: "that’s nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

    The Russian doctor says: “gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

    The United States doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work !"
    MikeB likes this.
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  3. #2583
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    34_40, lamin8r and Jack F like this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  4. #2584
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    In Washington, D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had
    faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known
    among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

    "Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

    "I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die,"
    whispered the priest.

    "I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the nurse.

    The nurse sent the request to the President and Congress and waited for a
    response.

    Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to
    visit the priest.

    As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, "I don't know why the
    old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.

    Reid agreed that it was a good thing.

    When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his
    right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of
    serenity on the old priest's face.

    Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have
    chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?

    The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after
    our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

    "Amen", said Obama. "Amen", said Reid.

    The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  5. #2585
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    So, there was this Doctor that invented a serum that once injected could make you live indefinitely.
    He had, so far, been experimenting on aquatic mammals like dolphins and small whales, etc
    Pretty neat stuff. It was made from the antibodies in, of all things, seagull blood.
    So, the Doc is at the beach collecting traps full of the sea birds when a Lion escapes from the State zoo across the street from his lab and after prowling around for awhile decides to go to sleep right in the doorway of the lab.
    So, upon returning, the doc sees the beast asleep and then considers the fact that seagull blood is fairly perishable so, waiting for the Lion to drift further into slumber land, he picks his moment and steps over sleeping beast and safely into the lab.

    Where upon the State Police who were waiting for him in the lab grabbed him and arrested him and took him into central booking where he was charged with the violation of the Mann act which, of course, prohibits:

    Taking Gulls across a State Lion for Immortal Porpoises.
    Rrumbler, johnboy, 34_40 and 1 others like this.
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  6. #2586
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    A woman was having sex with her husband's best friend and the phone rang. She answered it and then said "OK, see you later". After she hung up she turned to the man in bed and said "That was my husband but don't worry he's playing cards with you and will be real late getting home!"
    lamin8r and Jack F like this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  7. #2587
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    Just one more reason why I stay home on Black Friday !
    NOTHING could possible be priced low enuff to make me join those air breathing Neanderthals.

    Crazy Wal-Mart Black Friday fight for TV 2013 - YouTube
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  8. #2588
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    Things never got out of control when Santa delivered the toys.
    34_40 and lamin8r like this.
    Charlie
    Lovin' what I do and doing what I love
    Some guys can fix broken NO ONE can fix STUPID
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  9. #2589
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    MikeB, 34_40, stovens and 1 others like this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  10. #2590
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Socially Unacceptable Humor


    I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

    I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

    My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

    Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

    A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

    At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa !


    A new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the latest bomber-jackets.

    You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

    A buddy of mine just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

    Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people porn, you sick bastard.

    The Red Cross knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

    __________________
    johnboy likes this.

  11. #2591
    geezer69's Avatar
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    my girl friend said a small penis wasnt a problem to her.....i still would rather she didnt have one....

  12. #2592
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    how many has she had!!!!!!!**
    34_40 likes this.
    Charlie
    Lovin' what I do and doing what I love
    Some guys can fix broken NO ONE can fix STUPID
    W8AMR
    http://fishertrains94.webs.com/
    Christian in training

  13. #2593
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    The General Manager of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

    He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from University and I need some help.

    If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

    The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
    stovens and lamin8r like this.

  14. #2594
    dogtag's Avatar
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    Who?

     



    Who was Alexander Graham Dumbrowski?


    The first telephone pole.
    cffisher and lamin8r like this.
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    LS1 powered
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    13' Wilwood brakes with
    Hydraboost power.

  15. #2595
    MelloYello's Avatar
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    This is the kinds of email I get know that I'm a Fairlane owner.
    cffisher likes this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

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