Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Homework Assignment


The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call on little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Blimey," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before!" "Like what?" Ted said. "All twisted like a pig's tail" Ed said. "Well what's yours like?" Ted said. "Well straight like normal" Ed said. "I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours" Ted said.
Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Ted said. "Shaking off the excess drops" Ed said.
"Like normal." "Shit" Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing it!"

Tiger Woods turns to Stevie Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, in dismay, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."

Confucius says:

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.



Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ....

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild love, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ... Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

IT’S A BOY!" he shouted. "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY!" And with tears streaming down his face he swore he’d never visit another Thai Brothel!

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital..one's in a korma... the other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in... GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A Retired Person's Perspective:

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.


2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.


3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they're holding a gun, she's probably pissed off.


4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.


5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.


6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.


7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.


8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.


9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?


10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 10 foot
man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.’

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, ‘Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’

‘No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,’ said Leroy.

The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?’

No thanks, I don’t want it,’ answered Leroy.

The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well, Leroy, then what do you want?’

Leroy said, ‘I want the name of the Sumbich who pushed me in the pool!’

An old lady went into a bar in Ibiza and saw a man with his feet propped upon a table.

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The old woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The man grinned and said, 'Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?'

The old woman considered she might never get an offer like this again and was curious to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a £50 note.

Blushing, he said, 'Well, thank you, I'm really flattered. Nobody has ever paid me for my 'services' before!'



'Don't be flattered' she replied...



'Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit...'



Women can be so cruel !!

She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street

and up my driveway.

She knocked on my front door...

I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says,

"I just got home, and I am so horny!

I have this strong urge to have a good time,

get drunk, and make love all night long!

Are you busy tonight?"


I immediately replied,

"Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good!

In that case, could you please watch my dog?"






MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!

STORY OF 2 BEGGARS…
This is how you can get rich….
Hasam and Habib are street beggars. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Hasam but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Hasam brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Hasam 'I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Hasam says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Hasam says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3.'
Habib says, 'So what does your sign say'?
Hasam shows Habib his sign.
It reads,
'I only need another £10 to move back to Syria.'

A POEM TO WHICH WE CAN RELATE:

I remember the corned beef of my childhood,

And the bread that we cut with a knife,

When the Children helped with the housework,

And the men went to work not the wife.

The cheese never needed a fridge,

And the bread was so crusty and hot,

The Children were seldom unhappy,

And the Wife was content with her lot.


I remember the milk from the bottle,

With the yummy cream on the top,

Our dinner came hot from the oven,
And not from a freezer; or shop.

The kids were a lot more contented,

They didn't need money for kicks,

Just a game with their friends in the road,

And sometimes the Saturday flicks.



I remember the shop on the corner,

Where biscuits for pennies were sold

Do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic?

Or is it....I'm just getting Old?

Bathing was done in a wash tub,

With plenty of rich foamy suds
But the ironing seemed never ending

As Mum pressed everyone's 'duds'.



I remember the slap on my backside,

And the taste of soap if I swore

Anorexia and diets weren't heard of

And we hadn't much choice what we wore.



Do you think that bruised our ego?

Or our initiative was destroyed?

We ate what was put on the table

And I think life was better enjoyed.

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last week

when I asked if I could please borrow a newspaper.


"This is the 21st century, old fart," my son said.

"We don't waste money on newspapers anymore.

Here, you can borrow my iPad."

.
.
.
.
.
.
I tell ya, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........!

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”

The second nun answered, “Indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand.”

“I can handle that without a problem,” the other nun replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. “We use beer for washing our hair,” the nun said. “Back at our nunnery we call it Catholic Shampoo.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said, “The curlers are on the house.”

Rye Bread


Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"


He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, But she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and saute'd them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful.



Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog.

The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear,



"Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible,


Called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.



I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.

We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine.


Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.

The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said,

"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the

Living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum.....


"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"

"You know, that bastard who ran over Spot;

He never even slowed down."