Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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-At my age I realize that:


1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop antagonizing me.
4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.
7. The day the world runs out of ice cream is just too terrible to think about.
8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!
9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
12. At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Geez, Fitz, that's not a joke, those are facts of life, and more applicable to each day as they come along. I got in hot water for number two this morning; my Bride said something, and I "rolled my eyes out loud"; I didn't mean to, but that's the way it worked out, and now I'm in self imposed time out with the computer for company.

.

Been there.
Done that.
You have my sympathy.

This will no doubt put Coke out of business in the near future…!

The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Millennial song
https://www.youtube.com/embed/hLpE1Pa8vvI

Walking Downtown . . .. . .

So, I was walking downtown and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim book store, so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye,
but asked if he could help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have
a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding
Muslims and illegal aliens?"

The clerk said, "Kiss my ass, get out, and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one! Do you have it in paperback?"


.

The good Pope

The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Removing..

This last post is rather unsophisticated and vulgar. more likely a good match for a biker forum.

Originally Posted by firebird77clone

This last post is rather unsophisticated and vulgar. more likely a good match for a biker forum.

My apologies to the over sensitive, will remove.

Originally Posted by Kiwidreamer

My apologies to the over sensitive, will remove.

They won't get offended here,they love naughty: YellowBullet.com: News

hope this test will amuse not offend

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.

B. Screwing.

C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.



2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've

both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.



3. You should time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.



4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.



5. Spending the night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. $100 extra.


6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.

You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.



7. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to an entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.



8. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at

the end of a relationship?

A. "I hope we can still be friends."

B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."

C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."



9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort

of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Originally Posted by firebird77clone

This last post is rather unsophisticated and vulgar. more likely a good match for a biker forum.

i was kinda shocked as well .. i had thought we had a post censor to **** certain words but i guess not .. oh well .. all is well ..

A guy was a passenger in a NYC Taxi. After sitting silently in the back seat for for 15 minutes he reaches forwards and taps the taxi drivers on his shoulder.

The driver starts to scream, swerves the taxi nearly hitting a bus, and stops inches from a shop window.

"Holy Cow, your jumpy aren't you, I only tapped your shoulder" says the passenger.

"Sorry," says the cabby, "It's my first day. I've been driving a Hearse for last 20 years."

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by.
What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.

"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?"

"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him," the man said.

"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.

"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow," replied the cabby.

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