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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #2641
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
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    Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

    Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotlessly clean.


    So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
    bathroom mirror.

    Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
    "Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
    I left early to get groceries to make
    You your favourite dinner tonight.
    I love you, darling!
    Love, Jillian"

    He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.

    Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

    "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., ratted out of your mind, you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. All in all, one hell of a performance, Dad."

    Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

    His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed.....
    "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

    Broken Coffee Table $339.99
    Hot Breakfast $5.20
    Two Aspirins 0.68
    Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS
    lamin8r and Jack F like this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  2. #2642
    MelloYello's Avatar
    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1962 Ford Fairlane 2dr with 289
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    Some folks just don't adapt very well do they?
    Hitler is Mad that it's Snowing in Atlanta - YouTube
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  3. #2643
    rspears's Avatar
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    Car Year, Make, Model: '33 HiBoy Coupe
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    Gotta say that the closing shot in RestoRod's listing above, about God promising that good & obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth brought a smile. There's no verse actually stating that, but it's a cute story and in the same light:
    Talking to Adam, God said that He'd make the perfect woman. She'd cook, clean, be ever changing and amazing in the bedroom, always be up for sex and never complain or nag. Adam asked how much this would cost and God said "Oh, it'll cost you an arm and a leg", so Adam asked what he could get for a rib.....
    RestoRod and lamin8r like this.
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  4. #2644
    MelloYello's Avatar
    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    One day Boudreaux and Pierre were talking about their hunting dogs and Boudreaux said
    "I'm gonna have to get rid of all my hunting dogs 'cause I can't afford to feed them"
    Pierre replied "heck, I just feed mine collard greens"
    Boudreaux replied "my dogs won't eat collard greens !"
    then Pierre said "mine wouldn't either for about 4 weeks!"
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  5. #2645
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    21 Rules That Men Have..
    1. Men are not mind readers.
    2. Learn to work the toilet seat, youíre a big girl. If itís up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You donít hear us complaining when you leave it down.
    3. Crying is blackmail
    4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one; subtle hints do not work Ė strong hints do not work Ė obvious hints do not work Ė just say it.
    5. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
    6. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Thatís what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
    7. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
    8. If you think youíre fat, you probably are. Donít ask us.
    9. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
    10. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
    11. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to during commercials.
    12. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
    13. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. And we have no idea what mauve is.
    14. If we ask what is wrong and you say ďnothingĒ we act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is not worth the hassle.
    15. If you ask a question you donít want an answer to, expect an answer you donít want to hear.
    16. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fineÖ Really.
    17. Donít ask us what weíre thinking unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.
    18. You have enough clothes.
    19. You have too many shoes.
    20. Iím in shape, round is a shape.
    21. Thank you for reading this and yes, I know Iím sleeping on the couch tonight. But did you know men donít really mind that? Itís like camping.
    ted dehaan, stovens and lamin8r like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  6. #2646
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    Get the Kleenex as you'll be laughing so hard you will cry!!

    SEXY GIRL FART PRANK - YouTube
    stovens and lamin8r like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  7. #2647
    Milner is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    For Sale.

     



    Has Power Windows.

    powerwindows.jpg
    lamin8r likes this.

  8. #2648
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    Red green already did this!

    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  9. #2649
    MelloYello's Avatar
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    We had a power cut at home this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system all shut down. Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was snowing outside, so I couldn't play golf. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours. She seems like a nice person.
    lamin8r likes this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  10. #2650
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1960 Lincoln Premier
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    A man received the following text from his neighbour:

    I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

    The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

    A few moments later, a second text came in:

    Damn predictive text, sorry I meant "tapping your wifi", not "tapping your wife".
    rspears, lamin8r and MelloYello like this.

  11. #2651
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    olde but goodie

    A man on a flight is seated next to another man who has a dog with him. Interested to know why the dog is allowed in the passenger area of the plane, the guy asks “what’s the score”?

    “I’m airline security” says the guy “and my dog is a sniffer dog to detect anything illegal onboard.”

    “Let me show you” he says and sends the dog off down the rows of seats. About 10 rows down the dog stops next to a guy, sits down and offers him his right paw. The guy takes it, pats the dog and the dog returns to its owner and sits beside him.

    “You see that” says the owner? “That means that guy is carrying cocaine.”

    “Wow” says the guy “that’s amazing.”

    Again the owner sends the dog down amongst the passengers and after about 20 rows the dog stops next to a woman and offers her its left paw. The woman takes the dogs paw and pats it on the head. The dog returns back to its owner and sits down.

    “You see that” says the owner? “That means that woman is carrying heroin.”

    “Wow” says the guy “that’s amazing, I’m so impressed.”

    Again the owner sends the dog down amongst the passengers and after about 30 rows the dog stops next to a man and barks twice. The dog returns back to its owner and squats down and does a massive sh#t.

    “Wow” says the guy, I didn’t expect that. What does that mean?“

    The dog owner solemnly replies “I think he’s found a bomb!”
    __________________
    stovens, lamin8r and t-top havoc like this.

  12. #2652
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    t-top havoc likes this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  13. #2653
    glennsexton's Avatar
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    The Blonde Cop

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

    The blonde cop asked to see the blond driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

    "What does it look like? she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and has your picture on it."

    The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

    The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too..."
    rspears and Jack F like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  14. #2654
    stovens's Avatar
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    A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He
    asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
    The girl replied in a loud voice:

    "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

    All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was
    truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
    After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table
    and said with a laugh:

    "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you
    felt embarrassed, right> The guy then responded in a loud voice:

    "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S TOO MUCH! YOU’RE NOT WORTH IT!"

    All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

    The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  15. #2655
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A friend went to Beijing recently and was given a brochure by the hotel. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed......

    Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English……….


    Getting There:
    Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

    The hotel:
    This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

    The Restaurant:
    Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

    Your Room:
    Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

    Bed
    Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

    Above all:
    When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."

    Which reminds me of a lovely restaurant in France where the menu stated
    "We would be pleased for you to enjoy our tarts on the trolley"
    Where else?
    lamin8r likes this.

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