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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #2656
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
    Kiwidreamer is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60

    Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.


    With a 5-lb. potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

    Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato bags.

    Then try 50-lb. potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I'm at this level.)

    After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
    34_40 and lamin8r like this.

  2. #2657
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    How men and women record things in their diaries......

    ------ Wife's Diary:
    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
    We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
    I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was
    upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
    Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere
    quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

    I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.'
    I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
    He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
    and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
    He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
    I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

    When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,
    as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
    He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
    Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
    About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted,
    and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep;
    I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
    thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

    -----Husband's Diary:

    A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt!

  3. #2658
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
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    A Maori bloke goes down to the Melbourne wharf looking for work and comes up to the captain of a fishing boat and says,'Hey Capt'n got any work for Me?'

    The captain gives him a 28 page job application and says 'Fill this out and bring it back to me'. So two days later the Maori brings it back and gives it to the Captain.

    The captain takes a quick look at it and says 'OK, you're hired,now go on board and find something to do..'
    Just then, this Sudanese guy comes up to the captain and says, 'Looka work, needa work.'

    The captain tells him 'OK you're hired.' The Maori is standing right there and asks the captain 'Hey, you made me fill out a 28 page job application and you just hired this guy like that, Why?"

    Captain replies 'He's got an honest face'.

    The Maori sighs and walks onto the boat, all upset. A few days later, they're out to sea and the Maori is up in the crow's nest looking for reefs and the Sudanese guy is down on the deck mopping the deck. Just then, this huge wave comes along and washes the Sudanese guy overboard.

    The Maori gets down out of the crow's nest and walks into the Captain's' office and says:
    "Remember that Sudanese guy you hired with the honest face?

    Well, he just fucked off with your mop!"

  4. #2659
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    A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling. He asks if they have any last questions before the ceremony.

    The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

    "Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

    "So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?" says the man.

    "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

    "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

    "Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

    "What about different positions?" asks the man.

    "No problem," says the Mullah.

    "Woman on top?"

    "Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"

    "Doggy style?"

    "Sure!"

    "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes!"

    "Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porn video?"

    "You may indeed!"

    "Can we do it standing up?"

    "Absolutely not!" says the Mullah."

    "Why not?" asks the man.

    "It could lead to dancing!"

  5. #2660
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    The Pope:



    The Pope was having a shower. Although he was very strict about celibacy, he occasionally needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

    Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.

    "Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, "You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!"

    "This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!"

    So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2 000 000.

    The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?"

    Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "....two million dollars..."

    "TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" replied the housekeeper. "They must have seen you coming!"

  6. #2661
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    A farmer , to improve his herd stock , buys a prime stud bull . A beautiful beast .. But after the first month the bull has not been interested in the cows on heat .. In desperation he calls the vet . The vet duly arrives and after walking around the penned bull several times sighs Ahh and takes from his bag a length of hose .He inserts it into the bull’s anus and gives a short sharp puff . The bull perks up and is quickly about those cows that are waiting on his services. The charge $150.00 at which the farmer flinches A month goes by and the bull slowly looses his libido . Again the vet is called , again the ritual of walking about the bull , the inserted tube the sharp puff of air and the bull is raring to go and of course another $150.00 .. A third month passes and the bull’s ability again declines ,,the vet is summoned and while waiting the farmer decides he will give the cure a try . He cuts a length from the garden hose inserts it and gives a good blow ,,,, nothing ,,,he blows again to no avail and the vet arrives . He looks and a look of disdain crosses his face as he spots the inserted tube . He removes the tube , reverses it , reinserts it and gives a short sharp puff of air , Ah says the farmer , I had it the wrong way round ? No says the vet , there is no way I am puffing air into the same end that you blew in to .



    A few years pass and the bull having been treated several times is slowly declining in his lust for the cows .. The farmer calls the vet who after some tests offers the farmer a drench that he assures will cure the bull . An expensive drench some hundred odd dollars . He is told the name of the product in case he wants further supplies as it is good for all animals . But it works and the bull full of vigour has served the full heard and is looking for further cows ,even giving some of the cows a second attending . The neighbouring farmer has observed the effect it has had on the stud bull and after some waiting asks the farmer what the secret is . The farmer tells all and the neighbour asks the name of the special drench … the farmer thinks for a while and replies ,, Cant remember the name but it tastes like liquorice .

  7. #2662
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    It ain't right, but you'll laugh at it!!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...&v=OBWyO4BB7f4
    34_40 and rspears like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  8. #2663
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1962 Ford Fairlane 2dr with 289
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    One time the teacher had a birthday and the kids all brought her gifts.
    The first little girl set her gift on the teacher's desk and the teacher knew her Dad owned a candy shop. So sure enuff there was a box of candy.

    The student set his gift on the teacher's desk and the teacher knew his Dad owned a flower shop. So sure enuff there was a box of flowers.

    Then came Johnny with his box and the teacher was real nervous because Johnny's Dad owned a liquor store. He sat the gift on the teacher's desk and she notice a wet spot on the box so she touched her finger to it and then to her tongue and ask "Johnny, is this Brandy?" He replied "no Mam" then she touched her finger to the wet spot again and asked "Johnny is this Whiskey?" He replied "no Mam". Then she said "OK before I open it please whisper in my ear what it is" Johnny leaned over and whispered "it's a puppy !"
    lamin8r likes this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  9. #2664
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
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    As the elderly Arab gentleman had a very rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out. Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
    The Arab sent the Scotsman an appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, five flawless one carat diamonds
    and $100,000, happy that his surgery could now go ahead.

    A couple of months later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned
    the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street Chocolates.

    The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his previous kind gesture as he had anticipated.

    He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds and money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street Chocolates."
    To this the Arab replied: "Aye, laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins."


    Rrumbler, stovens and lamin8r like this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  10. #2665
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    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  11. #2666
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.


    By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."




    In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."

    In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

    In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

    In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."

    In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

    In Wyoming and Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

    In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

    In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

    In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

    And in Texas he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."





    .


    lamin8r likes this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  12. #2667
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.


    By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."




    In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."

    In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

    In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

    In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."

    In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

    In Wyoming and Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

    In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

    In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

    In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

    And in Texas he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."



    .


    stovens likes this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  13. #2668
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    Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel named Alfred with two huge camel humps.

    He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel named Marie, who had one perfect camel hump.

    As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby boy camel, born with no humps.

    They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy.

    They finally decided on ... are you ready for this???
    '
    '
    '
    '
    'Humpfree
    lamin8r likes this.

  14. #2669
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    GETTING OLDER

    A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
    "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
    "'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

    There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.."

  15. #2670
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    How to Wash a Cat:

    1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl
    2. Pick up the cat and sooth him while you carry him towards the bathroom
    3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
    4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet as the cat is actually enjoying this!
    5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “Power-Wash” and “Rinse”.
    6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom door and the front door.
    7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
    8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
    9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean!

    Yours Sincerely,

    The Dog
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

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