Welcome to Club Hot Rod!  The premier site for everything to do with Hot Rod, Customs, Low Riders, Rat Rods, and more. 

  •  » Members from all over the US and the world!
  •  » Help from all over the world for your questions
  •  » Build logs for you and all members
  •  » Blogs
  •  » Image Gallery
  •  » Many thousands of members and hundreds of thousands of posts! 

YES! I want to register an account for free right now!  p.s.: For registered members this ad will NOT show

 
Like Tree2675Likes

Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

Reply To Thread
Page 70 of 226 FirstFirst ... 20 60 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 80 120 170 ... LastLast
Results 1,036 to 1,050 of 3376
  1. #1036
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
    Posts
    1,307

    Sometimes it pays to be old

     



    No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

    An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

    Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

    On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

    Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

    Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

    The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

    "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

    Sally said, "No."

    Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

    Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

    The Mounties turn to Andy and began to question him.

    One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"

    Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

    The first cop turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

  2. #1037
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
    Posts
    1,307

    Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
    He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

    The 10:00 PM news was coming on.

    The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large
    building preparing to jump.

    The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
    Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.' The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
    Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge
    did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

    The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,
    saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

    Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5pm news and so I knew he would jump.'

    The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

    Bob took the money.

  3. #1038
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
    Posts
    1,307

    Aging

     



    An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
    ***********************************

    Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
    Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
    "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
    "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
    ****************************************

    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
    The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns"
    "Do you mean a rose?"
    "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the
    name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
    *************************************

    Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients
    being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
    *************************************


    Couple in their nineties are both having problems
    remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
    Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up
    from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
    "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
    "Sure."
    "Don't you think you should write it down so you can
    remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it."
    "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
    "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
    cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?"
    ***************************************

    A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
    "So I hear you're getting married?"
    "Yep!"
    "Do I know her?"
    "Nope!"
    "This woman, is she good looking?"
    "Not really."
    "Is she a good cook?"
    "Naw, she can't cook too well."
    "Does she have lots of money?"
    "Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
    "Well, then, is she good in bed?"
    "I don't know."
    "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
    "Because she can still drive!"
    ************************************

    A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
    "Really," answered the neighbor ."What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
    ************************************


    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a
    physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
    Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
    *************************************

  4. #1039
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    648

    repost? maybe but still good

    had an awful day yesterday.

    It all started when I crashed the car into the back of someone at a roundabout, this dwarf who was driving lept out and screamed at me "I'M NOT HAPPY!"

    All I said was "Well which one are you then?"

    And that's when the fight started.....................

  5. #1040
    IC2
    IC2 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    UPSTATE New York
    Posts
    4,336

    A Gary Larson Cartoon
    Attached Images
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  6. #1041
    42K3's Avatar
    42K3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Redmond
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1942 IH K3
    Posts
    507

    dogs playing poker
    Attached Images

  7. #1042
    Yellow72's Avatar
    Yellow72 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    cincinnati
    Car Year, Make, Model: 6-71 blown smallblock '72 corvette
    Posts
    136

    Three daughters

     



    "An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
    responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

    With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

    Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning,
    gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
    So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

    The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
    so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

    The man dated the first daughter.
    The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

    "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

    The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

    The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

    "Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

    The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

    The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

    "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

    So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
    When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
    the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

    "Well," explained the Redneck...
    "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
    pregnant when you met her."

  8. #1043
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
    Posts
    1,307

    An Irish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking out of a pond.

    The Irish farmer shouted: "Paid a yfed a dwr, maer gwerthin wedi cachu un a for."

    Which in Gaelic means: "Don't drink the water the cows have sh*t in it."

    The man shouts back: "I'm a muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English."

    The Irish farmer says: "Use two hands, it holds more"!!!

  9. #1044
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    648

    A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
    Halloween party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued
    and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need
    for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

    The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain
    and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't
    know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

    So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
    cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick'
    he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

    His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

    After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
    and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate
    love in the back seat.

    Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put
    the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he
    would make up for his outrageous behavior.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
    'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're
    not there.'
    Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?' He replied, I'll tell you, I
    never even danced one dance.

    When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'

    You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
    night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.

    To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your
    brother, apparently he had the time of his life.

  10. #1045
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
    Posts
    1,307

    A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

    The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

    The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

  11. #1046
    DennyW is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    outahere
    Posts
    1,080

    Trip To Wal-Mart (this is a funny one)



    Ladies, be real careful where you drag your husbands.



    Mr. And Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:



    Dear Mrs. Fenton,



    Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a

    commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.



    Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in

    Wal-Mart:



    June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

    July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute

    intervals.

    July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the

    ladies' restrooms.

    July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,

    'Code 3' in housewares..... And watched what happened.

    August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

    September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

    September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry

    and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

    October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,

    and picked his nose.

    November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

    December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

    December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

    December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

    December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"



    And last, but not least...

    December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,

    then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

  12. #1047
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    648

    A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party.
    He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he
    writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
    A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:

    Dear Sir,
    Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
    will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just
    right as a pirate.

    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume Co.


    The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
    wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he
    receives another parcel and a note, which says:

    Dear Sir,
    Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
    The long robe will cover your wooden
    leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume Co.


    Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
    wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company
    another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and
    a note, which reads:

    Dear Sir,
    Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
    Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
    wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.


    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume Co

  13. #1048
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
    Posts
    1,307

    A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch
    together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler.
    The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a beer?
    Grandpa replied 'Can your p*cker touch you're ass?
    The little boy answered, 'No Grandpa, It's just a little p*cker!'
    Grandpa said, Then you're not man enough to have a beer.
    After a while, Grandpa lit up a cigar.
    The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a cigar?'
    Once again, Grandpa asked, 'Can your p*cker touch you're ass?'
    The little boy answered 'no,' again.
    Grandpa said, 'Then your not man enough to have a cigar.'
    A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.
    Grandpa asked, 'Can I have a cookie?'
    The boy asked, 'Can your p*cker touch you're ass?'
    Grandpa replied, Hell yeah, my p*cker can touch my ass!'
    The boy replied, Then go f*ck yourself! Grandma made these for me.'

  14. #1049
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    648

    Bert and his boots

    Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. He's an elderly man
    and figures he's not getting any younger. So seeing some on sale one day, he
    buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

    He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different
    about me?'" Margaret looks him over, "Nope" she says.

    Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
    into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little
    louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

    Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down
    today it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

    Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'"

    'Nope', she replies.

    Bert Yells 'CAUSE IT'S LOOKIN' AT MY NEW BOOTS"

    To which Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, Shoulda bought a hat."

  15. #1050
    IC2
    IC2 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    UPSTATE New York
    Posts
    4,336

    Tough Love vs. Spanking


    A friend writes: Much of America 's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments."

    One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

    They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

    I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
    Attached Images
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

Reply To Thread
Page 70 of 226 FirstFirst ... 20 60 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 80 120 170 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Links monetized by VigLink