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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1606
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    In the spirit of RestoRod's post on Seniors...Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny and obviously written by a Former Soldier..

    New Direction for any war:
    Send Service Vets over 60!

    I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

    For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

    Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

    An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing fanatical s-o-b's....

    If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser...

    Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food.. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
    They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any 20 pushups after completing basic training.

    Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

    An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

    These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

    Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

    ***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS... or in Menopause...!!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

    If nothing else, put us on border patrol.....we will have it secured the first night!
    Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  2. #1607
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    Is Texas great state or what? (I doubt this is true but it certainly is entertaining)


    In Texas , a woman was called in front of a grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger in the back six times as he was running away with her purse.

    He had grabbed her purse and ran. She had her hand on her gun inside the purse and when he ran with the purse she was left holding just the gun.

    When asked by the grand jury why she shot him six times, in the back as he was running, under oath she replied:

    "Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click."

    She was acquitted of all charges.

    That's the way it is in Texas .








    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  3. #1608
    IC2
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    ...........AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED :

    One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
    The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started.....

    *** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******


    My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the TV?"
    I replied "Dust".
    And that's how the fight started.....

    *** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
    And that's how the fight started.....

    **** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
    She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
    I bought her a scale.
    And that's how the fight started.....

    **** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
    I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
    'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
    So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
    And that's when the fight started.

    ***** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *****
    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
    So, I took her to a gas station.
    And that's when the fight started.....

    **** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
    Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95..
    I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
    And that's when the fight started.....

    **** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady
    swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
    I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
    'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
    And that's when the fight started...

    **** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
    The waiter said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
    'Nah, she can order for herself.'

    And that's how the fight got started....

    **** ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
    I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph,
    so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back
    into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
    and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
    is out fishing in that?'

    And that's how the fight got started.....
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  4. #1609
    IC2
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    Where to retire

     



    WHERE TO RETIRE

    Since I already retired a couple of years ago and my wife just did a few months ago, this is a very important set of criteria for us to consider now that NY has become the 2nd most expensive state - just behind CA and just ahead of NJ.


    You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...
    1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
    2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
    3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
    4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
    5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
    6.. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

    You can retire to California where...
    1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
    2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
    3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
    4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
    5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
    6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

    You can retire to New York City where...
    1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .....
    2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
    3. You think Central Park is "nature."
    4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
    5.. You've worn out a car horn. (ed note if you have a car).
    6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

    You can retire to Maine where...
    1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ..
    2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
    3.. You have more than one recipe for moose.
    4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
    5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

    You can retire to the Deep South where...
    1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
    2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
    3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
    4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
    5.. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

    You can retire to Colorado where...
    1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car .
    2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
    3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
    4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

    You can retire to the Midwest where...
    1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
    2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
    3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
    4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at? "
    5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

    AND You can retire to Florida where..
    1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
    2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
    3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
    4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
    5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  5. #1610
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    Mike was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them
    he couldn't make the upcoming camping trip because his wife wouldn't let
    him go.

    After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow
    4X4 friends Mike left to go home to his wife.

    When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the following week
    who should be there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up ,
    fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of
    coals..

    "How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?"

    "I didn't have to" was Mike's reply.

    "When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a
    beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered
    my eyes and said, surprise!!

    When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see
    through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the
    bed and you can do whatever you want."

    So Here I am!

  6. #1611
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    I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA

    Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
    His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
    his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my
    birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten
    into trouble at school and at home.

    Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for
    his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother,
    being a Christian woman, wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over
    the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have
    behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you
    deserve a bike for your birthday."

    Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
    God a letter.

    Letter 1

    Dear God:

    I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
    birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Johnny

    Johnny knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
    year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

    Letter 2

    Dear God:

    This is your friend, Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year
    and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend,
    Johnny

    Johnny knew that this wasn't true, either. So, he tore up the letter
    and started again.

    Letter 3

    Dear God:

    I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a red bike
    for my birthday. Thank you, Johnny

    Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Johnny
    wrote another letter.

    Letter 4

    God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I
    will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
    Please! Thank you, Johnny

    Johnny knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him
    a bike. By now, Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his
    Mom that he wanted to go to church.

    Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked as Johnny looked very sad.
    "Just be home in time for dinner," Johnny's mother told him.

    Johnny walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little
    Johnny went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see
    if anyone was there. Johnny bent down and picked up a statue of the
    Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church,
    down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to
    his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

    Johnny began to write his letter to God.

    Letter 5

    God, I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
    Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

  7. #1612
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    The veterinary

     



    One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

    The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,approached her.

    'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate, he stated.

    'Why yes, she replied, every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church'

    The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?'

    The elderly woman answered, $10,000 a week.'

    The pastor was amazed, your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?

    'He is a veterinarian, she answered.

    'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money, the pastor said.

    'Where does he practice?'

    The woman answered proudly, in Nevada , he has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno .

  8. #1613
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    New Sex Study

     



    It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.


    The husband sits up and begs.

    The wife rolls over and plays dead.

  9. #1614
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    She was standing in the kitchen
    Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
    wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

    As I walked in almost awake,
    She turned and said softly,
    'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

    My eyes lit up and I thought,
    'I am either still dreaming or
    this is going to be my lucky day.'

    Not wanting to lose the moment,
    I embraced her and then gave it my all;
    right there on the kitchen table.

    Afterwards she said,
    'Thanks,'
    and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt
    still around her neck.

    A little puzzled, I asked,
    'What was that all about?'

    She explained . . .

    'The egg timer is broken'


  10. #1615
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    The Wedding Fairy:
    A married couple in their early 60 ' s were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant...

    Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such
    a wonderful married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.


    The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.


    So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 93 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember ... fairies are female.....





  11. #1616
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    Quote Originally Posted by RestoRod View Post
    She was standing in the kitchen
    Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
    wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

    As I walked in almost awake,
    She turned and said softly,
    'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

    My eyes lit up and I thought,
    'I am either still dreaming or
    this is going to be my lucky day.'

    Not wanting to lose the moment,
    I embraced her and then gave it my all;
    right there on the kitchen table.

    Afterwards she said,
    'Thanks,'
    and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt
    still around her neck.

    A little puzzled, I asked,
    'What was that all about?'

    She explained . . .

    'The egg timer is broken'

    3 minutes
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  12. #1617
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    creation

     



    The Creation of Man
    God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
    The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.
    Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
    And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.
    God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
    And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so.
    Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
    And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
    And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.
    Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.
    Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
    And it is so.
    BARB

    LET THE FUN BEGIN

  13. #1618
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    Church Potluck


    One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Ben, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BB's in the other. He tripped and the BB's, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.

    Thinking it over, Ben could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

    The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.

    The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Ben's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

    Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"

    "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary..."

  14. #1619
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    The young rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy,"Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

    Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?

    The young rancher answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."



  15. #1620
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    Hope this doesn't produce too many groans!!!


    It is said that the ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest.

    1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

    2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’

    3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

    4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

    5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’

    7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’

    8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to ‘persuade’ them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

    9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    10. And, finally, there was the person who posted ten different puns, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make his readers laugh. No pun in ten did.

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