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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #196
    53 Chevy5's Avatar
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    there was a high school wrestler ready to go to a meet and his coach told him about a guy he would have to wrestle. " your going to be wresting a guy named Bob and whatever you do, don't let him get you in his snake hold, anyone he has ever got it this hold has lost because it is impossible to get out of. "

    well when the meet took place the boy won a few rounds and sure enough he had to wrestle Bob next.they started going at it and after about 3 minutes, sure enough Bob got him in the snake hold and he was wound up like a pretzel unable to move. the young man struggled to get out of the tangled mess and all the sudden the boy swung around to the top and pinned Bob down for the win.

    immediatly his coach ran up to him and asked " how in he world did you get out of the snake hold, no on has ever got free from that before." The boy replied " well i was all tangled up twisted in a knot and all the sudden i seen two testicles dangling in front of my face, so i stretched a little and bit them as hard as i could,--- and you would not belive the strength you have when you bit yourself in the nuts."
    Seth

    God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing. C.S.Lewis

  2. #197
    lt1s10's Avatar
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    Originally posted by 53 Chevy5
    there was a high school wrestler ready to go to a meet and his coach told him about a guy he would have to wrestle. " your going to be wresting a guy named Bob and whatever you do, don't let him get you in his snake hold, anyone he has ever got it this hold has lost because it is impossible to get out of. "

    well when the meet took place the boy won a few rounds and sure enough he had to wrestle Bob next.they started going at it and after about 3 minutes, sure enough Bob got him in the snake hold and he was wound up like a pretzel unable to move. the young man struggled to get out of the tangled mess and all the sudden the boy swung around to the top and pinned Bob down for the win.

    immediatly his coach ran up to him and asked " how in he world did you get out of the snake hold, no on has ever got free from that before." The boy replied " well i was all tangled up twisted in a knot and all the sudden i seen two testicles dangling in front of my face, so i stretched a little and bit them as hard as i could,--- and you would not belive the strength you have when you bit yourself in the nuts."

    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
    http://hometown.aol.com/kanhandco2/index.html




  3. #198
    lt1s10's Avatar
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    Thumbs up cowgirl

     



    BAPTIST COWGIRL
    >
    >
    > A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks
    > into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in
    > the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one
    > in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the
    > bar and orders three more.
    >
    > The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You
    > know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste
    > better if you bought one at a time." The cowgirl
    > replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
    > Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left
    > our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this
    > way to remember the days when we drank together. So
    > I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and
    > one for myself."
    >
    > The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and
    > leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the
    > bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three
    > mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in
    > and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice
    > and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for
    > the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to
    > intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
    > condolences on your loss."
    >
    > The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a
    > light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no,
    > everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that
    > my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had
    > to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters though."
    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
    http://hometown.aol.com/kanhandco2/index.html




  4. #199
    lt1s10's Avatar
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    "Hello, Darlin!!"

     



    Texas Preacher

    The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country
    music singer.

    One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been
    to service lately.

    He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she
    answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

    "No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer
    with you."

    So she said come right on in.

    He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway
    Twitty.

    Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street.
    She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around
    her and opened the door.

    When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the
    towel to fall to the floor.

    "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"

    And the preacher said................................


    "Hello, Darlin!!"
    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
    http://hometown.aol.com/kanhandco2/index.html




  5. #200
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood
    on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he
    noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder
    was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load
    of empty beer and liquor bottles.

    Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last
    night." the mailman comments.

    Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night.
    This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
    morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

    The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
    Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through
    a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

    The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
    Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came
    up four or five times."


    BTW that wrestling joke was great-

    hank

  6. #201
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door and into the tool shed out the back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenters saw. The banged up cowboy was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut if off with that rusty damn saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said "Nope. I'm going to set this shed on fire and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want!!!"

  7. #202
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    hahaha good ones
    Dan

    Home page http://www.danstrucks.4t.com

    dont have anything good to say/(type) dont say/(type) NOTHING AT ALL..........(figure out the rest)....

  8. #203
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    All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.

    It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all beenable to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

    So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake.

    Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety.

    Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother.

    "Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before
    him?"

    Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July".
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  9. #204
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    windows

     



    A blonde enters a store that sells curtains and tells the salesman, "I
    would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her
    that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several
    patterns, but the blond seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally
    she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size
    curtains she needs. The blond promptly replies, "fifteen inches."
    "Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what
    room are they for?" The blond tells him that they aren't for a room;
    they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "but
    Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

    The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo... I've got Windoooooows!!"
    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
    http://hometown.aol.com/kanhandco2/index.html




  10. #205
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    An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

    "Here's what you do," said the doctor, "Start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

    That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

    Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

    Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
    wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.

    So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.

    So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

    "Damn it, Earl, for the FIFTH time..... I said CHICKEN!!!!!!!!"
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  11. #206
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Nine Months Later
    Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

    "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

    "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

    The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

    They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

    About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

    He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

    "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

    "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

    "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

    "She just died and left me everything..."

    hank

  12. #207
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

    Juan on Juan

    What is a Yankee?

    The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

    What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
    The position of the dirt bag

    Why is divorce so expensive?
    Because it's worth it.

    What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
    Doughnuts?

    Why is air a lot like sex?
    Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

    What do you call a smart blonde?
    A golden retriever.

    What do attorneys use for birth control?
    Their personalities.

    What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
    45 lb.

    What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
    45 minutes

    What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
    Through his chest with a sharp knife.

    Why do men want to marry virgins?
    They can't stand criticism.

    Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
    good-looking?
    Because those men already have boyfriends.

    What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

    Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
    Because they have cotton balls.


    What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    "Are you sure it's mine?"

    Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
    Mace will do that to you.

    Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
    Everyone has the same DNA.

    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Breasts don't have eyes.

    Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
    He walks around saying "Yo."

    Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
    Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
    Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

    Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
    A different bar.

    Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
    They named him "Sum Ting Wong

    What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
    A speech impediment.

    What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
    They're hiring.

    What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
    A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
    along with... "a recipe."

    How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

    What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
    A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
    begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

    Why is there no Disneyland in China?
    No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

    hank

  13. #208
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    A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules so, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

    The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

    Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

    To: My Loving Wife
    Subject: I've Arrived
    Date: October 16, 2004
    I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

    Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
    P.S. Sure is hot down here!
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  14. #209
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    Subject: morning smile


    The Twist
    Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

    Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.
    When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

    "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

    "That's cool." says Bobby.
    Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.

    Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

    Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

    Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"

    "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

    Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

    A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
    Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.

    About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

    "DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  15. #210
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    Exclamation Homeland security

     



    Warning, this is a little political, but funny nonetheless

    this is "A" typical of what COULD happen. priceless.


    ORDERING PIZZA IN 2008

    This is so close to what is probably going to be happening in
    2008 that we're not sure how funny this really is...

    Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your
    national ID number?

    Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.

    Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

    Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.

    Operator: Thank you Mr Sheehan. I see you live at 1742
    Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office
    number over at LincolnInsurance is 745-2302 and your cell
    number is 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net. Which
    number are you calling from sir?

    Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this
    information?

    Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.

    Customer: The HSS, what is that?

    Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir.
    This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

    Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your
    All-Meat Special pizzas.

    Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.

    Customer: Whaddya mean?

    Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors
    indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely
    high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't
    allow such an unhealthy choice.
    Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

    Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure
    you'll like it.

    Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?

    Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from
    your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the
    suggestion.

    Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones,
    then.

    Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your
    four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is
    $49.99.

    Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

    Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in
    cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.

    Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before
    your driver gets here.

    Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is
    overdrawn also.

    Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash
    ready. How long will it take?

    Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
    minutes, sir.
    If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're
    out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle
    can be a little awkward.

    Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

    Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments,
    so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just
    filled the tank yesterday.

    Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

    Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've
    already got a July
    4, 2003conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see
    here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a
    judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day
    stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first
    pizza since your return to society?

    Customer: (speechless)

    Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

    Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke..

    Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause
    prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New
    Constitution prohibits this.. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.
    Right engine, Wrong Wheels

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