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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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  1. #946
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Jun 2004
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6

    Defective Parrot


    A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a
    little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says
    aloud,"Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

    The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

    "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and
    answered me!"

    "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
    intelligent, thoroughly educated bird .."

    "Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang
    onto your perch without any feet?"

    "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
    asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little
    You can't see it because of my feathers."

    "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English
    can't you?"

    "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse
    with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
    sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
    You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

    The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't
    afford that."

    "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is,
    nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably
    get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

    The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

    Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
    humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands
    everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is

    One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes,
    "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't
    know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and
    the postman."

    "What are you talking about?" asks the man.

    "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him
    at the door in a sheer black nightie."

    "WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

    "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her
    nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

    "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

    "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his
    knees and began to kiss her all over...."

    Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

    "Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

    If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day

  2. #947
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Feb 2004
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others

    The Bathtub Test

    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, " how
    do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."

    "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
    teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
    the bathtub."

    "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
    bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

    "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
    Do you want a bed near the window?"

  3. #948
    Irelands child's Avatar
    Irelands child is offline Registered User Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Dec 2005
    Ballston Lake
    Car Year, Make, Model: Ford 5.0L '31 A Brookville Roadster

    (dis)Order in the Court


    These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are
    things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
    and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
    calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ATTORNEY: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ________________ ______ _______________

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    W ITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan.
    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    _____________________ ___________ ______

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in hissleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh.
    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What School did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    _______ _____________ ________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh?

    And the best for last

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

  4. #949
    Irelands child's Avatar
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    Dec 2005
    Ballston Lake
    Car Year, Make, Model: Ford 5.0L '31 A Brookville Roadster

    The Female Genie

    While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

    Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

    The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned
    to that bottle forever."

    Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said,"Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning.

    So just do it and be off with you." The annoyed genie said, "So be it!"
    and disappeared.

    The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

  5. #950
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Feb 2004
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others

    A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students,
    "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

    A little girl raises her hand and says, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

    The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
    could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

    "Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty, and
    the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start
    and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

    "That must've been scary," said the teacher.

    "It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
    and before he could say "Fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!"

  6. #951
    Madman's Avatar
    Madman is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Jul 2006
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1951 Frazer

    Political Correctness

    Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America:
    Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'
    You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

    And furthermore...


    1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

    2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'



    5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
    6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'


    1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
    2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

    4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
    5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
    6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.

  7. #952
    Corvette64's Avatar
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    Jun 2005
    Car Year, Make, Model: 64 Vette


    1.It's important to have a woman; who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

    2.It's important to have a woman; who can make you laugh.

    3.It's important to have a woman; you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

    4.It's important to have a woman; who is good in bed and who likes being with you.

    5.And Lastly, it's very very important; that these four women do not know each other.

  8. #953
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Jun 2004
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6

    Taking care of your older woman


    It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

    My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full -time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

    Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

    I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

    Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

    When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

    I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
    However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.



    Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
    His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. Amazingly, the all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her "Not Guilty", accepting her defense, that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

  9. #954
    42K3's Avatar
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    Aug 2006
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1942 IH K3

    Smile Put another log on the fire


  10. #955
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Jun 2004
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6

    A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
    behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine

    "What was that for?" he asked

    "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
    Laura Lou written on it," she replied

    "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name
    of one of the horses I bet on," he explained

    "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was
    a good explanation

    Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she
    walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the
    iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he
    asked, "What was that for?"

    She replied, "Your horse called."

  11. #956
    Oldf100fordman's Avatar
    Oldf100fordman is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Mar 2004
    Car Year, Make, Model: 55 Ford F100 w/390,

    How to Simulate Shipboard Life
    (Suggestions for the Ex-sailor who misses the Good Old Days)

    1. Sleep on the shelf in your bedroom closet.

    2. Replace the closet door with a curtain.

    3. Four hours after you go to sleep, have your wife open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble,"time to relieve the watch", then say "whoops, wrong rack".

    4. Build a wall in the middle of your bathtub, and lower the shower head to chest level.

    5. While showering, have wife turn off water after you are soapy.

    6. Put used lube oil in you humidifier and turn it on high, or recycle it in your hot water heater!

    7. On TV watch only old movies in the middle of the night, have your family vote on the movie to watch, then tune in a different one.

    8. (Mandatory for snipes) Leave the lawnmower running in the living room for 24 hours.

    9. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

    10. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, watch the soot land on your neighbor's car, laugh when he curses you.

    11. Buy a trash compactor, use it once a week and store the trash in the other half of the bathtub.

    12. Wake up at midnight, have peanut butter on stale bread.

    13. Make up the family menu a month in advance without regard for the inventory on hand.

    14. Set all alarms to go off at same time (after 2200 hours), when they go off, muster your family in the backyard, grab the garden hose and wet down your house. Or put on stereo headphones, stand in front of the kitchen stove and say to no one in particular, "manned and ready, sir".

    15. Once a week take every major appliance apart, and put it back together whether it works or not!

    16. Use 12 scoops of coffee grounds for 8 cups water. 16 scoops if it's after midnight.

    17. Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table, then lie under it and read a book.

    18. Invite 85 people over to stay for 2 or 3 months.

    19. Lockwire the lug nuts on your car.

    20. When baking a cake: prop up 1 end of the pan,bake, then level it out with icing.

    21. Twice a month, throw the cat in the pool, shout "man overboard", run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes off the table and yell at your wife for not having the place stowed for sea.

    22. Fill your basement half full of water, set the alarms again, muster, then get the bucket brigade going.
    Duane S
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  12. #957
    Supa Roosta's Avatar
    Supa Roosta is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Aug 2006
    Car Year, Make, Model: 98 Dodge SST-540 Blown Hemi

    All in the family


    Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.

    As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation. Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for.

    Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh
    Oranges to those waiting. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.

    When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said, "How the heck do you do this at your age?"

    She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!"

    The policeman fainted.

  13. #958
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Feb 2004
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others

    Two twin boys wake up on their 6th birthday and decide that they are finally grown men.

    John turns to James and says "The only way that people will believe that we are grown ups is to cuss. From now on, I will use the word damn whenever I can."

    James agrees and says "From now on, I will use the word ass whenever I can."

    They shake on it, get dressed, and head downstairs.

    Their mom turns to them and says "Happy Birthday. For breakfast you can have anything you want."

    John pipes up and says "Give me some of them damn Cheerios."

    Amazed at the language, their mom grabs hold of John, drags him outside and wears his ass out with a wooden spoon.

    John runs back into the house crying and the mother returns and quietly says "Well James, what would you like for breakfast?"

    James replies "You can bet your ass I'm not asking for any of them damn Cheerios!"

  14. #959
    rc57's Avatar
    rc57 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Oct 2005
    Car Year, Make, Model: 57 chevy p/u

    Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree
    to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.

    Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs: After
    every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
    which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
    The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the
    form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next
    flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of

    Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by
    UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked
    with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only
    major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit

    S: Something tightened in cockpit

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.

    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent

    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.

    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.

    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.

    S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.

    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.

    S: Cat installed.

    And the best one for last..................

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
    pounding on something with a hammer.

    S: Took hammer away from midget.
    Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas

  15. #960
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Jun 2004
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6

    Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
    straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother
    and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
    grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on
    Sunday morning."

    Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
    having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

    "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
    age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
    start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
    Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

    She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along!"

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