Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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In my experience you need only two tools in the workshop.
WD40 if it doesn't move and it should, and duct tape if it moves and it shouldn't.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein

A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have avocados get six."
A short time later the husband returns with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him "Why did you get six cartons of milk?"
He replied "They had avocados."

If you're a woman I'm sure you'll have to go back to read it again.
Men will understand it first time.

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Bubba and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bubba says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."

Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.

"Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bubba says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," Bubba replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly", Donnie says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow'." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow." Then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Rednecks are good at sensitive shit.

A man was called in for an audit by Inland Revenue.
He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper." The accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and expensive tie."
Confused, the man went to his minister, told him the conflicting advice and asked him what should he do.
"Let me tell you a story." Replied the minister.
"A woman about to be married asked her mother for advice on what to wear on her wedding night."
Her mother told her to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks.
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Her friend to her to wear her hottest negligee with a V Neck right down to her navel."
The man protested. "But what does this have to do with my Inland Revenue audit?"

The Minister replied, "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get screwed."

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," says the doctor.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What's happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!
" "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his grown-up son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

So a guys walking down the road with a real long stick.

I stopped and asked him, “Are you a Pole Vaulter?”

He responded with “No, I’m German, but how did you know my name was Walter?”

Just before the Summer holidays, our grandaughter did a disection and DNA test on a frog.

The results showed that the frog was:

87% British

12% French

and a Tad Pole.

Sister Rita was sitting by her convent window one evening as she opened a letter from home: inside the letter was a $50 note from her parents. Sister Rita smiled but as she continued to read the letter by what was left of the last glimmers of daylight coming through her window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamp post in the street below. Quickly she took a piece of paper and wrote, "Don't despair - Sister Rita". She then wrapped the $50 note in it and having got the man's attention, she tossed the wrapped note out of the window to him. The stranger picked it up and read what was on the paper. He looked up, tipped his hat and slowly made his way down the street and into the darkness. Meanwhile, Sister Rita returned to her letter hoping he would use the money wisely.

The following day, Sister Rita was told that there was a man at the main door of the convent insisting that he should see her so, she made her way down the stairs to see what the commotion was all about.

True enough, she found the stranger, who she had last seen standing in the street, waiting for her. Without a word, he handed her an envelope stuffed full with $50 notes.

"What's this?" she asked.

"It's your winnings Sister," he replied, "Don't Despair came in at Eighty-to-One.

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed, and photographed, and then placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly.
I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years.
I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.

The dead man had a twin.

One Sunday, an elderly couple are in church when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I just let out a long silent fart, what should I do?”
The husband says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot.
One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing, she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”
He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
“Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.
“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. “She’s selling batteries.”
“Batteries?” cried the wife.

“Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the Seashore.”

So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and asks, “Is this whisky?”

Elmer replies, “Yeth but not as whisky as wobbing a bank.”

So an 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a biker and that's why I'm in such good shape”. “I'm unwell before daylight on Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, wildest mountains I can find at the crack of dawn”.
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?".
The old biker said, "Who said my dad's dead?".
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"...T he old biker said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's still alive, he's a biker too”.
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it”. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?.
The old biker said, "Who said my grandpa' dead?".
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living!”. “How old is he?". The old biker replied, "He's 117 years old”....
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went riding with you this Sunday too?.
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married”.'
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!!”. “Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?".

To this the old biker smiled and answered, "Who said he wanted to?"