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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1111
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    Why you can't send a woman to Home Depot

     



    Jack was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?'

    Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

    'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.

    Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

    From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

    " No, but I will for the faucet."

    ... and this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot

  2. #1112
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    Politics

     



    This about says it all....

    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

    Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

    I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

    Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

    We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

    The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

    And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

    Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

    Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

    He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

    So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
    Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
    Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
    He gives up and goes back to bed.

    The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

    The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

    The little boy replies, 'The President' is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t .

  3. #1113
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    You have to have some Military experience to truly understand....
    ______________________________

    The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Navy Seabees was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders.

    While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

    He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure? The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A LT. said it was 50-50%. The CO's Aide, a LTJG., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

    There being no consensus, the CO turned to the Second Class Petty Officer who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

    With no hesitation, the young PO2 responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The CO was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

    "Well, Sir, began the PO2, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

  4. #1114
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    Aadd

     



    I'VE HAD DAYS LIKE THIS FOR SURE !


    Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
    This is how it manifests:

    I decide to water my garden.

    As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
    I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

    As I start toward the garage,
    I notice mail on the porch table that
    I brought up from the mail box earlier.

    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

    I lay my car keys on the table,
    put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
    and notice that the can is full.

    So, I decide to put the bills back
    on the table and take out the garbage first.

    But then I think,
    since I'm going to be near the mailbox
    when I take out the garbage anyway,
    I may as well pay the bills first.

    I take my check book off the table,
    and see that there is only one check left.

    My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
    so I go inside the house to my desk where
    I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

    I'm going to look for my checks,
    but first I need to push the Coke aside
    so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

    The Coke is getting warm,
    and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

    As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
    a vase of flowers on the counter
    catches my eye--they need water.

    I put the Coke on the counter and
    discover my reading glasses that
    I've been searching for all morning.

    I decide I better put them back on my desk,
    but first I'm going to water the flowers.

    I set the glasses back down on the counter,
    fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
    Someone left it on the kitchen table.

    I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
    I'll be looking for the remote,
    but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
    so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
    but first I'll water the flowers.

    I pour some water in the flowers,
    but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

    So, I set the remote back on the table,
    get some towels and wipe up the spill.

    Then, I head down the hall trying to
    remember what I was planning to do.

    At the end of the day:

    the car isn't washed

    the bills aren't paid

    there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

    the flowers don't have enough water,

    there is still only 1 check in my check book,

    I can't find the remote,

    I can't find my glasses,

    and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

    Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
    I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
    and I'm really tired.

    I realize this is a serious problem,
    and I'll try to get some help for it,
    but first I'll check my e-mail....

    Do me a favor.
    Forward this message to everyone you know,
    because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

    Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

  5. #1115
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    George went to a psychiatrist.
    'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

    'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

    'How much do you charge?'

    'Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.'

    'I'll sleep on it,' said George.

    Six months later the doctor met George on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' asked the psychiatrist.

    'Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A Redneck cured me for $10 and a quart. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

    'Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a Redneck cure you?'

    'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!'

  6. #1116
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    :lol: :lol: Good One !!!

  7. #1117
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    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

    Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

    We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

    We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi fuzzball.

    He glared at me and began writing another ticket for having worn tires.

    So my wife called him a squarehead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

    Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    Personally, we didn't care. We'd come into town by bus.

    We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

    It's important at our age.

  8. #1118
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    An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore
    the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally
    stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the
    locals, and have a pint of bitter.

    After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big,
    stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants and, worst of
    all, no public restrooms.

    However, after all those Guinnesses, he really has to go. He finds a
    narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings
    and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

    As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who
    says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

    "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to
    go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

    "Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me".

    He leads the American through a back delivery alley to a gate, which he
    opens.

    "In there," points the bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."

    The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
    ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured
    hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since
    he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more
    comfortable.

    As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really
    decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?"

    "No, sir." replied the bobby. "That is what we call the French Embassy."

  9. #1119
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    LETTER FROM A FARM KID
    (NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

    Dear Ma and Pa,

    I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Larson by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

    I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
    Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there 's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

    We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

    The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

    This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.

    All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

    Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Devils Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

    Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

    Your loving daughter, Alice

  10. #1120
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    Attached Images
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    Old Skool Is Kool....


  11. #1121
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    Attached Images
    Down The Two Lane Blacktop.

    Old Skool Is Kool....


  12. #1122
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    Smart kid!






    Attached Images
    Down The Two Lane Blacktop.

    Old Skool Is Kool....


  13. #1123
    DennyW is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Good ones....I sent the Marine joke to my brother...

  14. #1124
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    Lord of The???????????


    It took him three movies to destroy jewelry, but now he's back to steal it all.




    Attached Images
    Down The Two Lane Blacktop.

    Old Skool Is Kool....


  15. #1125
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    When a Redneck wins the lotto........



    Attached Images
    Down The Two Lane Blacktop.

    Old Skool Is Kool....


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