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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #2731
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

    I changed my car horn to the sound of gun shots. People move out of the way much faster now.

    You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

    Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

    You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.


    I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" get's thrown around in the courtroom.

    I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

    I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the jim this morning.

    Paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers – btw: if you find one… what's your plan?

    "A gun is kind of like a parachute…if you need one and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again"








    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  2. #2732
    firebird77clone's Avatar
    firebird77clone is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    I want a T shirt with #t5 on the front, and #10 on the back
    .
    Education is expensive. Keep that in mind, and you'll never be terribly upset when a project goes awry.
    EG

  3. #2733
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1962 Ford Fairlane 2dr with 289
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    Extensive Surveys have proven beyond a doubt that women who are over weight live longer than me who mention it.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  4. #2734
    rspears's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by firebird77clone View Post
    I want a T shirt with #t5 on the front, and #10 on the back
    Huh?? That one's gonna take some explanation for me...
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  5. #2735
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    HISTORY LESSON FOR TODAY.
    163 YEARS AGO THIS FALL...

    California became a state

    The people had no electricity.

    The state had no money.

    Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

    There were gunfights in the streets.

    So basically nothing has changed except
    then the women had real boobs and the
    men didn't hold hands.

    That, my friends, is the history lesson for today.

  6. #2736
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    An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.


    "I'm sorry," says the maître d' after scrutinizing the group.


    "You can't come in here without a Thai."
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  7. #2737
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    Quote Originally Posted by MelloYello View Post
    ......."You can't come in here without a Thai."
    Grooooooooaaaaaaannnnnn!!
    Rrumbler likes this.
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  8. #2738
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    Quote Originally Posted by rspears View Post
    Grooooooooaaaaaaannnnnn!!
    hahahaha I know, a waste of cut and paste, eh?
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  9. #2739
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    Human Geography


    Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

    Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

    Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

    Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

    Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.

    Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

    Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

    After 70, she becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


    THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

    Between 1 and 90, a man is like North Korea , ruled by a pair of nuts.
    TOW'D, johnboy and Mudduck3 like this.

  10. #2740
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    An older gentleman was on the operating table
    awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
    a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
    As he was about to get the anesthesia, he
    asked to speak to his son.
    "Yes, Dad , what is it?"
    "Don't be nervous, son; do your best,
    and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
    if something happens to me,
    your mother is going to come and
    live with you and your wife...."

  11. #2741
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    A college class was asked to write a short story using as few words as possible.
    The instructions were that the story had to include the following three themes:

    1. Religion
    2. Sexuality
    3. Mystery

      The following is the only A+ short story in the entire class.


      “Good God I’m pregnant; I wonder who did it?"
    .
    mrmustang, Rrumbler, 34_40 and 1 others like this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  12. #2742
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    Today's Lesson On Irony


    These three statements tell you a lot about government and culture:


    1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics,
    but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
    Funny how that works.

    And another statement for consideration--

    2. We constantly hear about how Canadian Pension Plan (CPP) is going to run out of money.
    How come we never hear about welfare running out of money?
    What's interesting is, the first group "worked for" their money, but the second didn't.

    Finally ..

    3. Provincial Social Services is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free money ever .
    Meanwhile, the Parks Branch, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."
    The stated reason for this policy is because....
    "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."

    That ends Today's Lesson On Irony
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  13. #2743
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    Quote Originally Posted by RestoRod View Post
    Today's Lesson On Irony


    These three statements tell you a lot about government and culture:


    1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics,
    but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
    Funny how that works.

    And another statement for consideration--

    2. We constantly hear about how Canadian Pension Plan (CPP) is going to run out of money.
    How come we never hear about welfare running out of money?
    What's interesting is, the first group "worked for" their money, but the second didn't.

    Finally ..

    3. Provincial Social Services is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free money ever .
    Meanwhile, the Parks Branch, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."
    The stated reason for this policy is because....
    "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."

    That ends Today's Lesson On Irony


    Resto,,you have nailed it.. in all three counts..but with the same group...
    Micah 6:8

    If we aren't supposed to have midnight snacks,,,WHY is there a light in the refrigerator???

    Robin.

  14. #2744
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    An Engineer finds a note that his wife left him that morning.
    "The Shepherd's Pie needs to be taken out of the Frig and put in the Oven at 140 degrees."
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  15. #2745
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    One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a Cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started.



    My wife walked into the den and asked "What's on the TV?" I replied "Dust".

    And that's how the fight started.



    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

    And that's how the fight started.



    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a scale.



    And that's how the fight started.



    I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

    And that's how the fight started.



    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I
    then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

    And that's how the fight started.



    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

    And that's how the fight started.



    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'

    And that's how the fight started.

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