Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A woman was going to Italy on a ten-day business trip. Before leaving, she asked her husband if there was a present he wanted her to bring back.
“How about an Italian girl?” he laughed.

The suggestion was met with stony silence.

Ten days later, she returned home and he asked her whether she’d had a good trip.
“Yes, it was surprisingly enjoyable,” she replied.
“And where’s my present?” he smiled.
“What present?”
“The one I asked for – an Italian girl.”

“Oh, that! I did what I could; now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl.”

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN.'

That's a good one.

That was a good one JB!

This one most likely been told before but had me laughing

IMMUTABLE LAWS

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated
to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Law of Public Speaking
-- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better.
But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him ; 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

Nearing the end, an old man is surrounded by his loved ones.

As the final moment approaches, he whispers, “I must tell you my greatest secret.”

His family urges him to go on. “Before I got married, I had it all,” he explains,

“Fast cars, cute girls and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me, ‘Get married and start a family. Other wise, no one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you’re on your deathbed.’

So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you know what?”

“What?”

“I’m not even thirsty!”

Hillary is talking to The Pope, and he says:

“With but one wave of my hand, I can make these people feel joy. A joy that nothing else in the world can bring. And it will be an eternal, everlasting joy.”

Hillary says:

“I’ll believe that when I see it.”

And so, the Pope raises his hand into the air, And slaps her across the face, and the crowd goes wild.

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have
been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined
by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer
was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching
the description of the offender, running several blocks
away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this
so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer.
Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation
for your daily duties?' A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?' A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow
officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your
locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court
complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk
through that room.'


The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess
was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated
for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and
we think he'll win.

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. Fearing the worst, and with trembling hands, she opens it.

Dear Mum,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found a real passion, and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos, and his big motorcycle.
But it is not only that mum, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed says that we will be very happy in his caravan in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me, and that's also one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt any-one and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who will be providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime we'll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry mum, I'm 15 years old now, and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Jenny.






P.S. Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my School Report Card that's in my desk drawer.
Jenny.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver..'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'

*******************************************************

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece...
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy
you're talking about.

*******************************************************

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

*******************************************************

Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?' He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids

***********************************

So the DW and I were RVing through Nebraska, the land of corn and soybeans and not much else, when the RV started to run warm. It was 102 degrees out so no big surprise. We decided to pull in to a farm yard and see if we could park there until it cooled off. On the porch was an older couple sitting in rocking chairs enoying the afternoon. There were chickens all over the farm yard. I got out of the RV and explained why we stopped in. The man introduced himself and his wife. They were George and Martha. George said we could park our RV next to the barn and we could stay until early morning when it was cooler. He told Martha to get us some tea and to join them on the porch. The DW and I were sitting on the porch watching the chickens. I mentioned to George that I noticed a rooster strutting around the yard like he was king. George said his name was Henry and he was quite the hens man. After a short while Henry started chasing a young hen around the yard. The hen knew of his intentions and was wanting no part of it. Around the yard they went. Finally Henry was about to catch the young hen when all of a sudden he stopped in his tracks and started pecking at a bug that was on the ground. George leaned back in his rocker, looked at Martha and then looked up at the sky. He then said Lord please don't ever let me get that hungry.

After 12 children an Irish couple decided enough was enough, so the husband went to the Doctor to find out what their options were.
"Well, you could have a vasectomy," said the Doc., "that would fix the problem, but it's very expensive."
When the Irishman pleaded poverty, the Doctor continued: "There is a cheaper alternative, go home, get the largest firecrackers you can find, put them all in a beer can, light it, hold it up next to your ear, and count to ten."
"C'mon, said the patient,"I mayn't be the brightest crayon in the box, but I can't see how firecrackers in a beer can will help me!"
"Trust me," said the Doc., "it will do the job."
So the man went home, put lots of crackers in a beer can, lit it, held it up to his ear, and began to count: "1,2,3,4,5,......." at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so as to continue counting on the other hand.

This option can also be applied in Auckland, Australia, and Washington.

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?

"Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry’s whore ...

BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA.... Thanks Ryan!