Welcome to Club Hot Rod!  The premier site for everything to do with Hot Rod, Customs, Low Riders, Rat Rods, and more. 

  •  » Members from all over the US and the world!
  •  » Help from all over the world for your questions
  •  » Build logs for you and all members
  •  » Blogs
  •  » Image Gallery
  •  » Many thousands of members and hundreds of thousands of posts! 

YES! I want to register an account for free right now!  p.s.: For registered members this ad will NOT show

 
Like Tree2721Likes

Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

Reply To Thread
Page 181 of 227 FirstFirst ... 81 131 171 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 191 ... LastLast
Results 2,701 to 2,715 of 3391
  1. #2701
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
    Posts
    2,299

    GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
    Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

    A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

    It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

    She let out a very loud scream.

    The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

    He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

    His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

    The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

    About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

    The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

    But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

    The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

    The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

    The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

    By now, the police had arrived.
    Breathe here...

    They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

    The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

    Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

    The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

    Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

    Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

    A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

    And that's when he shot her
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  2. #2702
    Mudduck3's Avatar
    Mudduck3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Long Beach
    Car Year, Make, Model: 65 Mustang
    Posts
    98

    The Purina Diet

    I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at ASDA and was in line to check out.
    A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
    Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
    lurker mick, rspears and stovens like this.

  3. #2703
    Mudduck3's Avatar
    Mudduck3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Long Beach
    Car Year, Make, Model: 65 Mustang
    Posts
    98

    An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
    Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
    Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
    Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
    'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
    'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
    The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered . . .

    'Is that one word or two?
    Rrumbler likes this.

  4. #2704
    Mudduck3's Avatar
    Mudduck3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Long Beach
    Car Year, Make, Model: 65 Mustang
    Posts
    98

    Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
    Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
    Rrumbler and 34_40 like this.

  5. #2705
    MelloYello's Avatar
    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Montgomery
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1962 Ford Fairlane 2dr with 289
    Posts
    9,934

    A wife was curious when she found two old negatives in a drawer and had them made into prints. She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband. When she showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!", he said with appreciation, "That's my old Ford!".
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  6. #2706
    lamin8r's Avatar
    lamin8r is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Inglewood
    Car Year, Make, Model: 60 F100 truck
    Posts
    6,339

    Quote Originally Posted by MelloYello View Post
    A wife was curious when she found two old negatives in a drawer and had them made into prints. She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband. When she showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!", he said with appreciation, "That's my old Ford!".
    Then the fight started.. hehehee
    stovens and Mudduck3 like this.
    Micah 6:8

    If we aren't supposed to have midnight snacks,,,WHY is there a light in the refrigerator???

    Robin.

  7. #2707
    MelloYello's Avatar
    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Montgomery
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1962 Ford Fairlane 2dr with 289
    Posts
    9,934

    August Mariner likes this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  8. #2708
    rspears's Avatar
    rspears is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Gardner, KS
    Car Year, Make, Model: '33 HiBoy Coupe
    Posts
    9,698

    LEARNING TO CUSS
    A 6 year old and his 4 year old brother are raking the yard.
    The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
    The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass".
    The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

    When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
    "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".

    WHACK!
    He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

    She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

    "I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios"..
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  9. #2709
    lamin8r's Avatar
    lamin8r is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Inglewood
    Car Year, Make, Model: 60 F100 truck
    Posts
    6,339

    Quote Originally Posted by rspears View Post
    LEARNING TO CUSS
    A 6 year old and his 4 year old brother are raking the yard.
    The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
    The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass".
    The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

    When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
    "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".

    WHACK!
    He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

    She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

    "I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios"..
    Heehehe...Love it..
    Micah 6:8

    If we aren't supposed to have midnight snacks,,,WHY is there a light in the refrigerator???

    Robin.

  10. #2710
    stovens's Avatar
    stovens is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Petaluma
    Car Year, Make, Model: 48 Ford F1
    Posts
    9,554

    That one had me chuckling too!
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  11. #2711
    HOSS429's Avatar
    HOSS429 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    New Market
    Posts
    2,406

    A guy begins dating a beautiful woman and really begins to fall for her. But he is a little disturbed about a quirk she has.....she's always grabbing his *****. When they go out to eat, she reaches under the table and touches his crotch. In church she grabs his *********. When he's visiting his family with, she cops a feel whenever she can.

    Still, the man loves this women, so one night after making love he says, "Ya know, I feel very strongly about you. I get a lot of positive vibes about our relationship and I'd like to take it to the next level. But I have a question for you.....why are you always touching my *****?"

    Says the girl, "Because I miss mine."
    34_40 likes this.
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  12. #2712
    Rrumbler is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Las Vegas
    Car Year, Make, Model: Sans hot rod, sold the truck.
    Posts
    1,207

    Quote Originally Posted by HOSS429 View Post
    A guy begins dating a beautiful woman and really begins to fall for her. But he is a little disturbed about a quirk she has.....she's always grabbing his *****. When they go out to eat, she reaches under the table and touches his crotch. In church she grabs his *********. When he's visiting his family with, she cops a feel whenever she can.

    Still, the man loves this women, so one night after making love he says, "Ya know, I feel very strongly about you. I get a lot of positive vibes about our relationship and I'd like to take it to the next level. But I have a question for you.....why are you always touching my *****?"

    Says the girl, "Because I miss mine."

    Rrumbler, Aka: Hey you, "Old School", Hairy, and other unsavory monickers.

    Twistin' and bangin' on stuff for about sixty or so years; beat up and busted, but not entirely dead - yet.

  13. #2713
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    New Bedford
    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 Ford 3W Coupe Replica
    Posts
    13,474

    Quote Originally Posted by Rrumbler View Post

    DITTO! roflmfao!

  14. #2714
    MelloYello's Avatar
    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Montgomery
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1962 Ford Fairlane 2dr with 289
    Posts
    9,934
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  15. #2715
    lamin8r's Avatar
    lamin8r is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Inglewood
    Car Year, Make, Model: 60 F100 truck
    Posts
    6,339

    Quote Originally Posted by Rrumbler View Post
    Aaaaahhhhh,,shock,,horror... heheheheee.......
    Micah 6:8

    If we aren't supposed to have midnight snacks,,,WHY is there a light in the refrigerator???

    Robin.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Links monetized by VigLink