Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Three women had lunch together.
One was engaged, one was a mistress, and the third had been married for 20+ years.

They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

The engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then the married woman:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,








"What's for supper, Zorro!"



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How To Change Your Oil

Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands.

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Drive car.

Quote of the Day

"Wives, your husband will do the things that he said he would
do so you don't have to keep reminding him every 6 months!"





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The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office, but they refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, started the car, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner', on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford not about to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.....

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million, and that just their nicknames would be shown on the dashboard.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the AC controls.

Old men and their convertibles - turn up the volume. This is a hoot!

Epic Old Man - Picking Up Young Ladies - YouTube

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.


"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

I don't write'm I just paste'm OK?

I had a dream the other night.
I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach.
Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the
left side of the stagecoach, and a rider-less horse
pulls up on the right. The man leans down,
pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse
into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door
on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out,
"What was all that about?"
He replied,
"Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

The Soccer Stars

A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game".

They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture.

The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.

"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."

"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.

Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?"

"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being referred to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"

"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"

Guy walks into a bar and see's a horse in the corner and a jar on the table with cash in it. The man ask's the bartender "What's this?" and he replies "It's a game. If you can make the horse laugh you win the cash." The guy orders a beer, sits at the bar, and observes for awhile. Meanwhile, man after man fail at making the horse laugh. He finaly gets up, puts his $1 in the jar and whispers in the horses ear. The horse erupts with laughter while the bartender stands in amazement. The man finishes his beer, grabs the jar and starts to leave. The bartender stops him and say's "If you can make 'em cry I'll double the $$." The man thinks for a minute and gladly accepts. He walks over to the horse, again he whispers in the horses ear, the horse looks down and this time it breaks down sobbing uncontrolably. The man grabs the jar and starts to walk out but the bartender stops him."Hey mister, what did ya say to that there horse"?? The man replied "The first time I told him my 'Johnson' was bigger than his'. "And the second time?' asked the bartender. "I showed it to him"!

Two indians are out in the plains hunting
Chief indian puts his ear to the ground and says to the other "buffalo come"
The other indian says how do you know?
Chief indian replies " ear sticky"

Toilet Roll Holder!!

If the paper broke off inside . . . Would you dig it out with your finger???

What has two wings and a halo?





Did you say angel? WRONG!!





It's a Chinese telephone!

"Wing, wing!!!"
"Halo?"

Women in Saudi Arabia and other Middle Eastern

areas are now permitted to drive for the first time.

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Mother of all Jihad Jokes..
.
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a liter of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujib. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,'' she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . ..


"They blow up so fast, don't they?"*

Ouch! Hah!