Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

Re: French Bashing
There's not a lot of love lavished on the French in New Zealand either califgrrrl, they sent four of their Secret Service agents down here to sink the M V Rainbow Warrior, killing one of the crew members. When two of them (Dominique Prieur and Alain Marfait sp.) were caught, tried, and imprisoned, the French government essentially blackmailed our Prime Minister, David Lange, into releasing them into French custody by making it well-nigh impossible for any of Godzone's exports to enter Europe.
Once the pair were in their custody, it wasn't long before they were released on "compassionate" grounds. Yeah right. They served only a fraction of the sentence imposed by our courts for their murderous actions.
Some of us Kiwis, those over twenty, remember the incident well.


A Polar bear walks into a bar."I'll have.........................................a gin and tonic."
"Why the big pause?" asks the barman.
"I dunno. I've always had them."

johnboy

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack gets up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT !

"Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed.
"Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

hank

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

i like that one old John O'Relly

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer - are together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total" says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

Pooooof! In the blink of the genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."

Pooooof! Again, in the blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries..

The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall".

The genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out. It's virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."

Pooooof!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

thanks for the great jokes in the 2005
keep them up in 2006
best wishes
hank

A letter from Granny

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear son,

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat if he what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why, even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

love ya granny

I know most of you have seen part of this in the Miller Lite commercial, but click on it for the long play version and be sure to have the volume on. It's entertaining. http://www.zippyvideos.com/741422919...dsofwinter-sm/ I used to have a different link that had a larger and clear screen image of it but I can't find it now. It's he77 to get old.

This must be true, right?

Why Men Lie

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his ax has fallen into
water, and he needed the ax to make his living. The Lord went down in the
water and reappeared with a golden ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax. "Is this your ax?"
the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax. "Is this your ax?"
the Lord asked. Yes", he replied. The Lord was pleased with the man's
honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home
happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord
again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has
fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with
Angelina Jolie.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would
have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you
would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given
me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all
three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with
anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good honorable
reason, and for the benefit of others... MOSTLY his wife!

That's our story, and we're sticking to it..

THE GUYS

that is one hell of a christmas display.

Originally posted by Nineftfreak
that is one hell of a christmas display.

Yes it is. I saw a piece on it on the news on the 23rd of December. The guy has a room full of crossovers and computer equipment to run it and the music is played over a local FM Stereo station. They said you pull up in front of the house and turn on the radio and enjoy. The guy has it programed to many different songs. I forgot where the city is that it is in though. Dang memory.

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.




Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.



Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."



In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."



A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't, sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.



The boy says, "Dark! in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that again."
__________________

A C-130 was en route on a mission when a cocky F-16 fighter pilot flew up next to him.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" He went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep climb, then finished with a sonic boom when he reached the speed of sound.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought.

The C-130 pilot responded "that was impressive, but watch this."

The C-130 droned along for about 15 minutes then the 130 pilot came back

On and said "What did you think of that?"

The 16 pilot asked, "what did you do?"

The C-130 pilot responded "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back poured a cup of coffee, had a sandwich and took a pee." Any questions ??
hank

Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor,
Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in
his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies
descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they split every piece of wood,
but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd.
Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Who says rednecks aren't real bright!)