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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #2011
    IC2
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    I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form I put "poor planning" as the cause of my acident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

    I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pully which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor.

    Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to assure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of brick. You will note in block number eleven of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds.

    Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

    In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone.

    Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

    Fortunately by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

    At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground......and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.

    I refer you again to my weight in block number eleven. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

    In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.

    The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

    I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay on the bricks - in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me - I again lost my presence of mind...............

    I LET GO OF THE ROPE...................
    Rickomatic likes this.
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  2. #2012
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    Boudreaux and Thibodeaux got up at 3am and headed to the bayou for some hunting, trapping and fishing. As Thibodeaux was driving his old 58 International Pickup down the narrow south Louisiana back road, Boudreaux would holler STOP and Thibodeaux would slam on his brakes and Boudreaux would get out, take a piece of chalk out of the bib overall top pocket and draw a big circle around any roadkill that happened to be in the road. He did that consistentally all the way to where the boat was tied to a tree by the bayou and during the trip he drew circles around dead possums, squirrels, nutrient, racoon, skunk, deer, hogs, frogs and a few large snakes. All of this time Thibodeaux kept silent and didn't say a word but when they stopped the truck and started loading their guns, rods and reels and other stuff in the boat, he said - - - "Boudreaux why you holler STOP all the way here and den git out and make a circle 'round dem dead critters?" Boudreaux just smiled, stuck out his chest and said - - - "Well Thib (he called him that cause they were close friends) - - Thib iffin wez spends all day out cher hunting, fishing and trapping and don't happen to have any luck at all - -- - - then everything lying in road on the way home that doesn't have a chalk circle around it is TONIGHT'S GUMBO !"
    rspears and lamin8r like this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  3. #2013
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
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    An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

    His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Vincent,

    I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

    Love,
    Papa

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Papa,

    Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

    Love,
    Vinnie

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
    That same day the old man received another letter from his son..

    Dear Papa,

    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

    Love,
    Vinnie
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  4. #2014
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
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    My wife and I recently traveled to Washington state for a vacation. We got to the airport on time and boarded our flight. Our plane was fully loaded except for one seat in the First Class section, which remained empty. A woman three rows behind us decided to try to claim that seat and walked forward and sat down in that First Class seat. When the flight attendant told her she would have to return to her seat in economy, she refused, saying “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to Seattle in First Class!” The attendant told her she wouldn’t be allowed to sit in First Class because she only paid for an economy ticket. “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to Seattle in First Class!” she again replied, refusing to give up her seat.
    Not wanting to alert the Air Marshall that was aboard and possibly causing a scene in front of the other passengers, the attendant decided to speak directly to the Captain about this situation.
    “Captain,” she said to the pilot, “There’s a situation in First Class and I’m not sure how to handle it.”
    “What is it?” he asked.
    “A woman from economy class has claimed a seat in First Class and refuses to move.”
    “What is she saying?” asked the captain.
    “Only that she’s blond, she’s beautiful, and she’s going to Seattle in First Class.”
    “I think I know how to handle this,” said the captain, “I’ve dealt with this type of person before.” With that he rose from his pilot’s seat and approached the woman. “Ma’am,” he said, “you must return to your seat now, we can’t allow you to remain in this seat.”
    With that, the woman again stated very firmly, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to Seattle in First Class!”
    The Captain then leaned forward and whispered something in the woman’s ear and stood up.
    “I see then,” she replied. She rose from the First Class seat and made her way back to the economy section and sat down.
    “That was amazing!” said the astonished flight attendant. “What did you say to her?”
    “I told her First Class wasn’t going to Seattle.”

  5. #2015
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Men Are Seldom Depressed...

    Men Are Just Happier People.
    What do you expect from such simple creatures?
    Your last name stays put.
    The garage is all yours.
    Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    Chocolate is just another snack.
    You can be President.
    You can never be pregnant.
    You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
    You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
    Car mechanics tell you the truth.
    The world is your urinal.
    You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
    You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
    Same work, more pay.
    Wrinkles add character.
    Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
    People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
    New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
    One mood all the time.
    Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
    You know stuff about tanks.
    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
    You can open all your own jars.
    You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
    If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
    Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
    Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
    You almost never have strap problems in public.
    You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
    Everything on your face stays its original color.


    The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
    You only have to shave your face and neck.
    You can play with toys all your life.
    One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
    You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
    You can 'do your nails with a pocket knife.
    You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
    You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
    No wonder men are happier.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  6. #2016
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
    'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

    **************************


    In a Podiatrist's office:
    'Time wounds all heels.'

    **************************


    On a Septic Tank Truck:
    Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

    **************************


    On a Plumber's truck:
    'We repair what your husband fixed.'

    **************************


    On another Plumber's truck:
    'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'

    **************************


    On a Church's Bill board:
    '7 days without God makes one weak.'

    **************************


    At a
    Tyre Store
    'Invite us to your next blowout..'

    **************************


    On an Electrician's truck:
    'Let us remove your shorts.'

    **************************


    In a Non-smoking Area:
    'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
    **************************


    On a Maternity Room door:
    'Push. Push. Push..'

    **************************


    At an Optometrist's Office:
    'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

    **************************


    On a Taxidermist's window:
    'We really know our stuff.'

    **************************


    On a Fence:
    'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

    **************************


    At a Car Dealership:
    'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

    **************************


    Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
    'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

    **************************


    In a Vets waiting room:
    'Be back in 5 minutes.
    Sit! Stay!'

    **************************


    In a Restaurant window:
    'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'

    **************************


    In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
    'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

    **************************


    And don't forget the sign at a
    RADIATOR SHOP:
    'Best place in town to take a leak.'

    **********************


    Sign on the back of yet another
    Septic Tank Truck:
    'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  7. #2017
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    duplicate posting
    Last edited by RestoRod; 05-30-2011 at 02:59 AM. Reason: duplicate posting
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  8. #2018
    lamin8r's Avatar
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    Resto,there is,in Auckland,a septic tank truck business,and their name is McDonald...Do I need to tell you what is written on the back of their trucks??I will anyway......McDonalds Takeaways....
    Micah 6:8

    If we aren't supposed to have midnight snacks,,,WHY is there a light in the refrigerator???

    Robin.

  9. #2019
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Ha Ha....good one.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  10. #2020
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    As seen on a large mobile drill rig, Barneys hole drilling....Your hole is our goal.

  11. #2021
    Jack F's Avatar
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 ford 3 window/461 pontiac
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    These four older ladies that lived in Yugoslavia always sat outside together near the church and chatted about when
    they were younger.
    One month ago they pooled their money together and bought a laptop.



    Never having been to but had heard all about Florida ,
    they just happened to click on St. Augustine, FL and
    They read about the "Fountain of Youth" claimed by
    the Spaniards when they arrived there.
    They collected up all they had left and sent for four
    bottles of the water. As soon as it arrived, they drank as directed.

    The rest of this story will make you a believer, because
    Here they are today...................

    No......This is TRUE! Really! Would We B.S. you?

    We have a limited supply of this water
    Available at an incredible $1,499.95 a bottle.
    Just email. Seriously
    ...Supplies are limited ...
    HURRY BEFORE THE INVENTORY RUNS OUT!!!!

    Really true.

    Jack.
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  12. #2022
    MelloYello's Avatar
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    911 Dispatcher talking to a Redneck husband:

    911 can I help you?

    Is this 911 emergency line?

    Yes sir, it is what can I help you with?

    My wife has been bitten by a rattlesnake and she needs help quick !

    OK Sir, I will dispatch an ambulance now, what is your address?

    We are located at 1846 South Eucalyptus Street.

    Sir, can you spell that for me please?

    E - er uh - U - er uh - hmmm - I'll drag her over to Oak street and you can pick her up there !
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  13. #2023
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    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  14. #2024
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    One Liners

     



    My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

    Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

    I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

    My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

    Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! Do you think I should change dentists?

    A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "

    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

    I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one, and asked Him to forgive me....

    Marrying a woman for sex is like buying a tiger for transportation.

    I used to have a big gay following... but I ducked down an alley and lost him.

    I had a very close relationship with this other kid growing up; I was his imaginary friend.

    So I'm in a bar, nursing a beer... and my nipple's getting all soggy....

    I've learned about women the hard way (through books)

    My mom gave me one of those cloth calenders for my kitchen; took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment....

    My nephew's computer beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing!

    I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy....

    I was married once. I had always wanted a beautiful, loving wife;
    and she had always wanted to be a citizen....

    Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose (except band together)

    When I was a kid, my nickname was Mister Baseball (because of the stitches in my face).

    My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous...
    waiting for those adoption papers to clear....

    Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

    I was born in Chicago. When I was 10, my parents moved to a suburb called
    Downers Grove. When I was 12, I found them.

    If someone strikes you, turn the other cheek! That way, the swelling comes out even.

    Last summer I was in Provence shooting a documentary about a Frenchman with OCD who showers up to once a day....

    I ran three miles today. Finally, I said, "Lady, keep your purse."

    Last year I donated $ 10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not voluntarily....

    So I'm in a bar, trying to undress this woman with my eyes... and I got my lashes caught in her zipper....

    The Scots are the toughest guys in the world; they have drive-by head-buttings. (In Glasgow, a sweatband is considered a silencer.)

    My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited...placing bets...

    I hate Indian givers. No, I take that back....

    I'm in my fifties, but all day today I've felt like an 18 year old..... but, unfortunately, I didn't get one!

    My wife said to me once, "I want to go on vacation, someplace I've never been".
    I said, "Try the kitchen".

    Man goes to a doctor. Doctor tells him he has six months to live. Man says he can't pay his bill. Doctor gave him another six months.

    Television executives had to cancel plans for a new show "CSI Arkansas" when they discovered that all the DNA was the same..... and there were no dental records.

    Finally, I'm a big Rodney Dangerfield fan........here are some of his:

    1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.

    2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. I went over. Nobody was home.

    3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel .

    4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
    He said "Because you came home early."

    5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

    6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

    7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

    8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

    9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

    10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

    11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

    12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

    13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

    14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

    15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

    16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

    17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

    18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

    19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

    20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

    21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

    And my Favorite: I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  15. #2025
    MelloYello's Avatar
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    A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey and ordered a drink.
    While he was drinking, the monkey jumped all around the place. It grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. It jumped onto the pool table, took one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his mouth, and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole.

    The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

    The guy replied, "No, what?"

    "He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table...whole!"

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
    Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

    He finished his drink, paid his bar bill along with the stuff the monkey ate,
    and walked out.

    Two weeks later, he came into the bar again along with his pet monkey. He
    ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before. While
    the man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a maraschino cherry on the
    bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it. Then he
    found a peanut. This, too, he stuck up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.

    The bartender was disgusted "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked.

    "No, what?" replied the guy.

    "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The
    same with a peanut!"

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me." said the guy.. "He still eats everything in
    sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything
    first.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

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