Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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All True REALLY



1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - I f you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - A t any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - A s soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - I f there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.(this also applies to all hotels as well - and those folks next door go out for the evening, leaving the TV on - LOUD - as a theft deterrent until 3:00AM. I generally "make adjustments" to that problem at about 05:30)

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

After a particularly nasty battle during the French and Indian War, the French captured a British officer. In questioning the captured officer, the French asked, "Why do you Brits wear red coats? You know it makes you easy to spot from a long distance?"

The British officer stood erect and replied, "We wear red so if in the off chance we are hit in battle, our soldiers will not see the blood and they will continue to follow their officers into battle!"

And that my friends is why the French officers wear brown trousers to this day....

a Ozzie friend sent this to me:

On a tour of Australia, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing.

He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an All Black rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Wallabies rugby jerseys.

One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Kiwi fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Australian and NZ rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies,
"Who was that?"
"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said,
"he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know $#!t about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

Towd,,when we tell that one,we reverse the roles..of course..

LENA and OLE ---

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.

Late one night, Lena vakes up Ole

and says, 'I tink it's time!'

So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere

tractor and took her

to the hospital to have their

first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor

looked over at Ole and

said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!

' Well, Ole got excited by dis,

but yust den the doctor spoke

up and said,

'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!

' The doctor den held up

a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole!

You got you a daughter!

' She's a pretty little ting, too.'

Ole got kind of puzzled by this,

an then the doctor said,

'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't

done yet!' The doctor then

delivered another boy and said,

Ole, you yust had yourself

another boy!'

Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought

Lena and their three Children

home in the self-propelled combine.

He was real serious and he asked

Lena , 'How come we got tree on

the first try?'

Lena said, 'You remember dat night

we ran out of Vaseline and You vent

out in the garage and got dat dere

3-in-1 Oil?'

Ole said, 'Yeah, I do... Uffda!

It's a darn good ting I didn't get

the WD-40.

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Relax, here's our real problem.

In a Michigan State University classroom, they were discussing
qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty
simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35
years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair
the requirement to be a natural born citizen was. In short, her
opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals
from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit
the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating: "What makes a
natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one
born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kind of 18 to 21-year-olds that just voted in
our last election!

They breed and they walk among us... !!!! Be worried! Be very worried.

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited , he was approached by a man who asked ,
"Son , can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied ,
"Sure! Just go straight down this street a Coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said , "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday.
I'll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww , come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

A baby bird is left alone in its nest high in a tree. The bird is unhappy in the cold nest, and begins chirping loudly in distress. When no one comes to his aid he climbs over the edge falling to the ground.
He’s now out of the nest, but he’s still cold. So he begins chirping again. A cow nearby hears the little bird, wanders over, sees the bird shivering and drops a big steaming cow pie on the bird.
The little bird is now all toasty warm, but he’s still unhappy and continues to chirp at the top of his lungs.
Hearing the little bird from a distance, a coyote wanders over. He plucks the bird from the cow pie, brushes him off… and swallows him down in one gulp.

The moral of the story?

People who throw dirt on you aren’t always trying to hurt you.
And people who get you out of a jam aren’t always trying to help you.

But the main point is:

When you’re up to your nose in sh*t….. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. " I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.

(keep reading)

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"My Rolex !!"

Ghosts in the machine... I mean it is Halloween.

Yep,,Hallowe'en.. Never had that happen before,Dave..very strange..Everything was stacked down one side of the page,,and I couldnt find anything,,help,,mummy...Nothing would load,without a kick in the refresh mode..even funnier,I opened a new tab,and picked up anything else without any probs...Nightmare... Never mind..Its working again now..(had thoughts of Brent experimenting ,or something..)

Three Hot Rodders were working up on a cell phone tower: Fisher, Lamin8tr and Stovens. As they start their descent, Fisher slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Stovens says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife. Lamin8tr says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser Stovens says, 'Where did you get that beer, Lamin8tr' 'Fisher's wife gave it to me,' Lamin8tr replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Lamin8tr says 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Fisher's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Hot Rodders are good at sensitive stuff.

(I don't writ'em, I just shar'em, so nothing personal, Y'all)
A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late 70's or early 80's model Dodge pickup," said the pastor. "Then go get married to a woman Democrat from California, and then buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have left seem like forever."