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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1561
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    A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley:
    On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.


    One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

    Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

    Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
    Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

    Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

    Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

    After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!


    Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

    The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.


    A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!


    The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

    Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.


    The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.





    The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)->




    'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!

  2. #1562
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    Grandparents:

     




    1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful
    eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After
    she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But
    Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably
    never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet
    paper good-bye...

    2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He
    asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.
    My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at
    1?"

    3.. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
    old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
    heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew
    thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their
    room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the
    room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was
    THAT?"

    4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
    childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing
    made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our
    pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was
    wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten
    to know you sooner!"

    5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know
    how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No,
    how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

    6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
    processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he
    asked.
    "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

    7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
    decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it
    was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I
    continued.. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think
    you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

    8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
    lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
    Still, a few fireflies followed us in.
    Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa.
    Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

    9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm
    not sure."
    "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

    10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
    "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The
    grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
    "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?"
    "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add
    'es'."

    11.. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said
    a teacher. The small boy wrote:
    "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad
    aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
    "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

    12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day
    when a fire truck zoomed past.
    Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
    The children started discussing the dog's duties.
    "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
    "No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
    A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she
    said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

    13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
    "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just
    go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to
    the airport."

    14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good
    things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

    15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks,
    and they blame their dog.



  3. #1563
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    My 1 day employment

     



    So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
    a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......




    About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
    unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
    yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.




    As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
    Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
    The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
    'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
    Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'


    So I replied,
    'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
    I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
    Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'


    My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

  4. #1564
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    re Golf:
    1 . BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

    2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

    3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

    4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

    5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

    6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

    7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

    8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

    9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

    10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

    WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

  5. #1565
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    It was once said a black man would be president of the United States when pigs fly!

    Iíll be darned 100 days into Obamaís presidency....


    Swine flu!!!
    Our race team page

    Chuck

  6. #1566
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    Now this is a grill!!
    Attached Images

  7. #1567
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    A modern day Texas cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

    His horse has already died of thirst.

    He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking
    out of the sand several yards ahead of him..
    He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
    He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no
    ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA
    (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
    There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
    'Well, cowboy,' says the female genie.. 'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
    'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy... 'I'm
    not going trust a FEMA genie...'
    'What do you have to lose?
    You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
    The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
    'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
    ***POOF***
    The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
    'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'
    'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
    ***POOF***
    The cowboy finds himself surrounded
    by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
    'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.
    Better make it a good one!'
    After thinking for a few minutes,
    the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
    ***POOF***
    He was turned into a tampon.

    The moral of the
    story:
    If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached

  8. #1568
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    Subject: Speeding in Pennsylvania



    Speeding in Pennsylvania :

    1) Good:

    An Erie, PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
    getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve-year-old boy was
    standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP
    AHEAD.' The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
    reading
    'TIPS' . . .
    and a bucket full of money.

    (And we kids used to just sell lemonade!)


    2) Better:

    A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
    automated radar post in Pittsburgh, PA. A $40 speeding ticket was included.
    Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police
    responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

    3) Absolute Best:

    A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State
    Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
    'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.'
    He replied ' Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a
    moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just
    said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was
    laughing too hard to start her car......

    Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you
    can't change Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over
    my mouth "If you can read this, thank a Teacher and since it's in
    English, thank a Soldier!!!

  9. #1569
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"

    The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"

    The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"

    By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

    Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"

    The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

  10. #1570
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    An Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to fleet services and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

    The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about that he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

    As he's leaving the plane, the reserve captain pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

    Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says,"Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's rumps are beginning to look pretty good to me, I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 below, and my job here is to pump the latrines on your aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  11. #1571
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    Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'

    One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

    'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'



    A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.

    I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.'



    The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'



    Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

    'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right , and can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'



    'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss . . . and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'

  12. #1572
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    Gun Control
    Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

    Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

    Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  13. #1573
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    Catholic golf

     



    A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
    and enjoying a round of golf.


    The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
    He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

    The good Sister told him to watch his language.

    On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

    "Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly..

    The priest promised to do better and the round continued.


    On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

    Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead
    if you keep swearing like that."

    On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
    "Shit, I missed."

    A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes

    out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.


    And from the sky comes a booming voice......





    "Shit, I missed."

  14. #1574
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    FACTS TO PONDER:

    FACT # 1

    Physicians:

    (A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

    (B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

    (C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

    Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

    Now think about FACT # 2:

    Guns:

    (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million.)

    (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

    (C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

    Statistics courtesy of FBI

    So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

    FACT # 3: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT

    ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

    Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

    We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

    Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on

    Lawyers

    for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention


    Pride Runs Deep

  15. #1575
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    A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

    After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

    'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

    'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

    'Anything, Father.'

    'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

    'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

    The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.


    'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

    'Father, could I ask something of you?'

    'Yes, Sister?'

    'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

    'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

    'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

    The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

    'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

    'Is that true Father?'

    'Yes, it is, Sister.'

    'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

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