Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Oh yeah ya gots ta love them rednecks

>> >> >A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
>> particularly
>> >> >dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of
>> > dollars
>> >> >for dinner.
>> >> >
>> >> >The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
>> >> >you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to
>> > stop
>> >> >drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
>> >> >
>> >> >"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I
>> >> >don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just
>> > to
>> >> >stay alive."
>> >> >"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
>> > the
>> >> >man asked.
>> >> >"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
>> >> >years!"
>> >> >
>> >> >"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
>> >> >food?" the man asked.
>> >> >"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless
>> > man.
>> >> >
>> >> >"Well," said the man, "I'm going to give you the money, and I am also
>> > going
>> >> >to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless
>> > man
>> >> >was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I
>> > know
>> >> >I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied,
>> >> >"That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up
>> >> >drinking, gambling, golf, and sex."

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and

goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there

wearing

dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything

about

this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if

you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to
know about it from the sound it makes.

She doesn't believe him but

drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot

Shakespeare

graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good

all

around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She

says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.

Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he

says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At
first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the
blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he
wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up
the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please.

"The woman is totally

\confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale f $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and
reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is
$3.50."

Originally posted by john gemmer
The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

What are you doing?she asked.

Hunting flys,he responded.

Oh,killing any? she asked.

Yep, 3 males and 2 females, he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, how can you tell?

He responded, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

hank

Originally posted by TOW'D


He responded, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

hank

thats a good one

Gotta toss a few in too...

Sign In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."


Squirrells are basically rats, but that fuzzy tail makes a heck of a difference.


You can't have everything, where would you put it? Steven Wright


Sign In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."


I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.


Sign Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."


After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.


Sign In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"


Sign Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."


I see the IQ test results were negative.


Sign On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."


When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year.


Sign At an Optometrists Office: "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the
right place."


Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."


Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.


Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"


No one ever says 'It's only a game,' when their team is winning.


Sign In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."


How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?


Sign On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."


Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and
lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?


How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.


On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.


Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.


Sign at a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."


In plumber's ad : "We repair what your husband fixed."


I may grow old, but I refuse to grow up.


Sign at a tire shop : "Invite us to your next blowout."


Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."


The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.


My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.


The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.


The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end
up at work.


I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. I had to buy them again.


Isn't having a smoking section in a resturant kinda like having a peeing section in a pool ?


Why do we park in a driveway, but drive on a parkway ?


Then...keg, Now...EKG


New Country Doctor


A young doctor moved out to a small community to
replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor
suggested that the younger doctor accompany him
as he made his house calls so that the people of
the community could become accustomed to him.

At the first house they visited, the younger
doctor listened intently as the older doctor
and an older lady discussed the weather, their
grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his
patient how she had been feeling.

"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she
replied.

"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably
been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit.
Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh
fruit you eat and see if that helps."

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked
how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis
so quickly.

"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger
doctor stated.

"I didn't have to," the elder physician explain.
"You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the
floor in there. Well, when I bent over to pick it
up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana
peels in the trash can. That is probably what has
been making her ill."

"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor.
"Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"

"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder
physician replied.

At the next house, the two doctors visited with an
elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing
the weather and grandchildren and the latest church
bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor
asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.

"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow
replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I
used to."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the
church," the
younger doctor suggested without even examining his
patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see
if that helps."

As they left, the elder physician said, "Your
diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling
me how you came to that conclusion?"

"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you,
I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent
down to pick it up, I looked around and there was
the preacher hiding under the bed!"

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

jct you bad but I like it good one

Originally posted by 40roadking
Gotta toss a few in too...

Sign In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."


Squirrells are basically rats, but that fuzzy tail makes a heck of a difference.


You can't have everything, where would you put it? Steven Wright


Sign In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."


I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.


Sign Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."


After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.


Sign In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"


Sign Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."


I see the IQ test results were negative.


Sign On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."


When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year.


Sign At an Optometrists Office: "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the
right place."


Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."


Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.


Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"


No one ever says 'It's only a game,' when their team is winning.


Sign In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."


How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?


Sign On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."


Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and
lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?


How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.


On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.


Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.


Sign at a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."


In plumber's ad : "We repair what your husband fixed."


I may grow old, but I refuse to grow up.


Sign at a tire shop : "Invite us to your next blowout."


Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."


The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.


My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.


The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.


The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end
up at work.


I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. I had to buy them again.


Isn't having a smoking section in a resturant kinda like having a peeing section in a pool ?


Why do we park in a driveway, but drive on a parkway ?


Then...keg, Now...EKG


New Country Doctor


A young doctor moved out to a small community to
replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor
suggested that the younger doctor accompany him
as he made his house calls so that the people of
the community could become accustomed to him.

At the first house they visited, the younger
doctor listened intently as the older doctor
and an older lady discussed the weather, their
grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his
patient how she had been feeling.

"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she
replied.

"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably
been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit.
Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh
fruit you eat and see if that helps."

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked
how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis
so quickly.

"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger
doctor stated.

"I didn't have to," the elder physician explain.
"You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the
floor in there. Well, when I bent over to pick it
up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana
peels in the trash can. That is probably what has
been making her ill."

"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor.
"Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"

"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder
physician replied.

At the next house, the two doctors visited with an
elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing
the weather and grandchildren and the latest church
bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor
asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.

"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow
replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I
used to."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the
church," the
younger doctor suggested without even examining his
patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see
if that helps."

As they left, the elder physician said, "Your
diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling
me how you came to that conclusion?"

"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you,
I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent
down to pick it up, I looked around and there was
the preacher hiding under the bed!"

Redneck joke:

Two Rednecks were having the blue plate
special at their favorite diner,
when they heard this awful choking
sound. They turned around to see a lady,
a few bar stools down, turning blue from
wolfing down a 'possum burger too
fast.
The first hillbilly said to the other,
"Think we otta' help?"
"I reckon," said the second hillbilly.
The first hillbilly got up and walked
over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew
breathe?"
She shook her head no.
"Kin yew talk?" he asked.
She again shook her head no.
With that he helped her to her feet,
lifted up her skirt and licked her on
the butt. She was so shocked, she
coughed up the obstruction and began to
breathe, with great relief.
The first hillbilly turned back to his
friend and said, "Funny how that
there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever'
time."


Don't you love health insurance ?
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test
results.
Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up
and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab,
the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well, and we are now
uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"
Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for
Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for
these expensive tests more than once."
Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the
middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."


And one for the Texans on the board;
An elderly couple are vacationing in the West. Sam always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys
them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says
to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly "Come on
Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and
walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a
little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and says "Sam, what's different? Its hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why it is hanging down,
Bessie? It's hanging down because its looking at my new boots!!!"

Bessie replies, ......... "Should'a bought a hat, Sam."


Matt

A Man and his wife were driving home one very cold
night when the wife asks her husband to stop the
car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of
the road, and she got out to see if it was still
alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly
frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it
warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice
and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she
used to beat him with died at the scene.

hank

ooo that smell

A guy goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes" he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment."

The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%....a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."

The interviewer then tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The
hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in
at
10:00 A.M.

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 A.M. to 4 P.M.,
then
why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job." the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours
we sit around scratching our balls.....no point in your coming in for
that."

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with

communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the

instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know

the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and

whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here

hank