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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1501
    IC2
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    Where to retire

     



    WHERE TO RETIRE

    Since I already retired a couple of years ago and my wife just did a few months ago, this is a very important set of criteria for us to consider now that NY has become the 2nd most expensive state - just behind CA and just ahead of NJ.


    You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...
    1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
    2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
    3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
    4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
    5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
    6.. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

    You can retire to California where...
    1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
    2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
    3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
    4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
    5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
    6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

    You can retire to New York City where...
    1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .....
    2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
    3. You think Central Park is "nature."
    4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
    5.. You've worn out a car horn. (ed note if you have a car).
    6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

    You can retire to Maine where...
    1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ..
    2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
    3.. You have more than one recipe for moose.
    4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
    5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

    You can retire to the Deep South where...
    1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
    2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
    3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
    4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
    5.. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

    You can retire to Colorado where...
    1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car .
    2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
    3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
    4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

    You can retire to the Midwest where...
    1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
    2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
    3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
    4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at? "
    5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

    AND You can retire to Florida where..
    1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
    2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
    3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
    4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
    5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  2. #1502
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Mike was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them
    he couldn't make the upcoming camping trip because his wife wouldn't let
    him go.

    After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow
    4X4 friends Mike left to go home to his wife.

    When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the following week
    who should be there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up ,
    fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of
    coals..

    "How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?"

    "I didn't have to" was Mike's reply.

    "When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a
    beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered
    my eyes and said, surprise!!

    When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see
    through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the
    bed and you can do whatever you want."

    So Here I am!

  3. #1503
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA

    Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
    His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
    his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my
    birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten
    into trouble at school and at home.

    Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for
    his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother,
    being a Christian woman, wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over
    the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have
    behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you
    deserve a bike for your birthday."

    Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
    God a letter.

    Letter 1

    Dear God:

    I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
    birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Johnny

    Johnny knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
    year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

    Letter 2

    Dear God:

    This is your friend, Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year
    and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend,
    Johnny

    Johnny knew that this wasn't true, either. So, he tore up the letter
    and started again.

    Letter 3

    Dear God:

    I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a red bike
    for my birthday. Thank you, Johnny

    Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Johnny
    wrote another letter.

    Letter 4

    God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I
    will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
    Please! Thank you, Johnny

    Johnny knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him
    a bike. By now, Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his
    Mom that he wanted to go to church.

    Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked as Johnny looked very sad.
    "Just be home in time for dinner," Johnny's mother told him.

    Johnny walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little
    Johnny went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see
    if anyone was there. Johnny bent down and picked up a statue of the
    Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church,
    down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to
    his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

    Johnny began to write his letter to God.

    Letter 5

    God, I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
    Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

  4. #1504
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    The veterinary

     



    One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

    The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,approached her.

    'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate, he stated.

    'Why yes, she replied, every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church'

    The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?'

    The elderly woman answered, $10,000 a week.'

    The pastor was amazed, your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?

    'He is a veterinarian, she answered.

    'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money, the pastor said.

    'Where does he practice?'

    The woman answered proudly, in Nevada , he has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno .

  5. #1505
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    New Sex Study

     



    It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.


    The husband sits up and begs.

    The wife rolls over and plays dead.

  6. #1506
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    She was standing in the kitchen
    Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
    wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

    As I walked in almost awake,
    She turned and said softly,
    'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

    My eyes lit up and I thought,
    'I am either still dreaming or
    this is going to be my lucky day.'

    Not wanting to lose the moment,
    I embraced her and then gave it my all;
    right there on the kitchen table.

    Afterwards she said,
    'Thanks,'
    and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt
    still around her neck.

    A little puzzled, I asked,
    'What was that all about?'

    She explained . . .

    'The egg timer is broken'


  7. #1507
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    The Wedding Fairy:
    A married couple in their early 60 ' s were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant...

    Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such
    a wonderful married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.


    The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.


    So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 93 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember ... fairies are female.....





  8. #1508
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    Quote Originally Posted by RestoRod View Post
    She was standing in the kitchen
    Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
    wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

    As I walked in almost awake,
    She turned and said softly,
    'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

    My eyes lit up and I thought,
    'I am either still dreaming or
    this is going to be my lucky day.'

    Not wanting to lose the moment,
    I embraced her and then gave it my all;
    right there on the kitchen table.

    Afterwards she said,
    'Thanks,'
    and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt
    still around her neck.

    A little puzzled, I asked,
    'What was that all about?'

    She explained . . .

    'The egg timer is broken'

    3 minutes
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  9. #1509
    jyardgirl's Avatar
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1971 monte carlo
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    creation

     



    The Creation of Man
    God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
    The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.
    Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
    And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.
    God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
    And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so.
    Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
    And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
    And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.
    Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.
    Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
    And it is so.
    BARB

    LET THE FUN BEGIN

  10. #1510
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    Church Potluck


    One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Ben, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BB's in the other. He tripped and the BB's, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.

    Thinking it over, Ben could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

    The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.

    The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Ben's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

    Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"

    "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary..."

  11. #1511
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    The young rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy,"Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

    Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?

    The young rancher answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."



  12. #1512
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    Hope this doesn't produce too many groans!!!


    It is said that the ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest.

    1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

    2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’

    3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

    4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

    5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’

    7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’

    8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to ‘persuade’ them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

    9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    10. And, finally, there was the person who posted ten different puns, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make his readers laugh. No pun in ten did.

  13. #1513
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    a friend of mine dates girl named kate .. but he`s also looking hard at a woman named edith .. he asked for my advice .. i said jim !! .. you cant have your kate -and edith too
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  14. #1514
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    This is an Incredible story!

    In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

    On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

    The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

    He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
    As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
    after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
    The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
    Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
    Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
    Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
    Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
    As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
    walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
    The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
    The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
    Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
    Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
    He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
    The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
    and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
    Probably wasn't the same elephant.






    This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bull*#%^ stories.
    Last edited by HOSS429; 08-12-2009 at 06:56 AM.
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  15. #1515
    Larry M's Avatar
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    For the serious hobbyist/DIY practitioner who has everything else. Cordless, too!

    New Nail Gun, made by DeWALT.
    It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards.
    This makes construction a breeze,
    you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.
    With the five hundred round magazine, you can build even the longest fence with a minimum of reloading.

    Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back, relax with a cold beer and when she has the board in the right place, just fire away.
    After a day of fence building with the new DeWalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife will not ask you to build or fix anything else again.
    Attached Images
    Every Day I Wake Up Above Ground Is a Good Day!!

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