Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter in their mini van and honked his car horn by mistake.

She immediately turned and looked at him with an expectant look on her face.

Seeing her look at him he said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "Oh, yes, I know that, daddy."

He replied, "How did you know?"

The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"

.

--------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me.What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

Once upon a time, (all good stories start like that,) in deepest darkest Africa there lived a native king named Kohenkongalonga, (his favourite pastime was line-dancing,) who was much admired, loved, and respected by his people for his wise and compassionate governance.
When he held court in his grass-thatched state room he sat on his own special three-legged stool; from whence he espoused and expounded upon his views of the world, the universe, and everything, including the affairs of state in his own kingdom.
Such was the awe and reverence that his subjects held for him that they decided to raise funds to buy something special for his birthday.
After much debate amongst themselves they decided to replace his old three-legged stool with a magnificent golden throne.
The main source of income in their little kingdom was tourist oriented; so they set up a little stall selling such culinary delights as ‘Boiled Missionary on a Stick’, ‘Barbequed Intrepid Explorer’, and ‘White Hunter in a Bun’.
Such was the success of this enterprise that the people of the kingdom soon franchised it, and very quickly had franchises opening up as far north as Italy, France, and Germany.
Which returned and awful lot of overseas funds to the people of the small African Kingdom, and they were very soon able to fulfil their dream of buying their king the promised golden throne, one crafted by the finest goldsmiths in the world.
With much ceremony they presented it to their beloved King Kohenkongalonga and he was truly grateful.
But over the ensuing weeks and months their king found the throne to be cold to sit upon.
And uncomfortable.
And too ostentatious for his humble opinion of himself.
So after explaining this to his subjects, (and thanking them most sincerely for their fine gift,) he had the throne stored in the attic of his grass hut, and returned to using his old three-legged stool.
Unfortunately, one day whilst holding court, the golden throne fell through the ceiling right on top of poor King Kohenkongalonga SPLAT!
And flattened him flatter than a squashed louse.
Much wailing ensued, but after scraping up what they could of their beloved king, his subjects buried him with his golden throne.

Now if there’s a moral to this sad story it would have to be: ‘People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.’

Pardon me if I've posted this before - it's too funny:

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV; but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.

Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice bed and a plasma screen TV; but I’m sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I once again would be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married an Australian girl. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he urinates

Funny thing that - I thought the third girl was a Kiwi; not an Aussie.
Why do you think I call my missus She Who Must Be Obeyed?

You know how scuba divers tip backwards into the water instead of going forward? I finally learned why they do that. It's because if they tipped forward, they would land on the boat.

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if
not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,

thought this would be a great opportunity to get $$. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!

You've got your taste back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so,
"Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, mean looking woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

Of course, her children were at least two years apart, and while they share common features, they certainly didn’t look like each other.

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other ones 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins Are you blind, or stupid?”

So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am. I just can’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye 'tis', says Paddy. 'Hand me da shovel.'

I was talking to a Mexican guy the other day and the subject came up about the "wall".
"The folks in Mexico must be really upset about a wall being built between our two countries",I said,
"That's true," he replied, "but they'll get over it,"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps,

"My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says,

"Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says,

"OK, now what?"

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Recruiter asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! You've got to be kidding?”

The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,
a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies —
two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing
exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving
slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...
22 miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed,
the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask...
Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they
haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”