Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Happy Hour in Mississippi

A local boy is driving down a back road in Mississippi.

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer

Lord almighty' he says to himself, my three favorite things!

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats"

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said, ' If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He

jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until a woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after beingaway.

Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on... take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows...

You can't kill Two Birds

with One Stone !!!

Cowboy Honeymoon

A cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, "This here is a very special 'casion...our wedding night, and we need a good room with a strong bed."The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?" TheCowboy thought about it a while and then replied,
"No, I guess not. I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it."

An 85 year old man, marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could over exert himself.

After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.

They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie.

As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."

The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, Shoot! Have I already been here this evening?"

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle."

"A fottle?

That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton."

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."

"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl the other day. I asked
her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she replied, "I want to
be President!"

"If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?", I asked her. ( Both of her parents are liberal Democrats and were standing there )

She replied, "I'd give houses to all the homeless people."

"Wow
- what a worthy goal." I told her, "You don't have to wait until you're
President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the grass,
pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take
you over to the grocery store where this homeless guy hangs out, and
you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house."

Since she is only 6, she thought that over for a few
seconds. While her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye
and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and
you can just pay him the $50?"

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her folks still aren't talking to me.

bread-gloves.jpg
When you just don't have the time to make your lunch!!

Subject: Nag, Nag, Nag

A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on his about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed: "For the LOVE OF GOD, woman! Don't you EVER STOP?"

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the
breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs..smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than
twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was all with the same
old cow.'






My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the
pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the
store, there were no males employed there.

She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing this with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional
and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident
that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, 'this is tough for me
to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of
problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could
give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said, 'We discussed it at length and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000
a month, plus living expenses.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced
to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around,
went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to
diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further
announced that he would now buy at $20.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started
catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started
going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys
became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey,
let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50!

However, since he had to go to the city on some business,
his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers.
'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has
collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man
returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all
the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant ever again; only
monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market
works.

Check the tire please !!

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

A man was walking home alone one foggy night,

when behind him he hears:



BUMP...



BUMP...




BUMP...




Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




BUMP...





BUMP...




BUMP...






Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him





FASTER...





FASTER...





BUMP...





BUMP...




BUMP...





He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.








However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping





clappity-BUMP. ..




clappity-BUMP. ..




clappity-BUMP. ..





on his heels, the terrified man runs.




Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.




The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!









Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...















and,








(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)






The Coffin Stops!!!