Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said,
“I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”

“She did,” he replied.

“But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life… until the boat sank! He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her,

“Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

She replies, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he says. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”

“Oh, this?” replies the woman. “I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, where did you get the tools?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgettable, conductible iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”

The guy is stunned.

“Let’s row over to my place,” she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls cut off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home sit down, please. Would you like a drink?”

“No. No thank you,” he says, still dazed. “Can’t take any more coconut juice.”

“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replies. “I have a still. How about a Pina-Colada?”

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?”

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for a really long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months?” She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean…” he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes…

“I can check my e-mail from here?”

While on a road trip, my wife and I stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing our meal, we left the restaurant, and resumed our trip. When leaving, my wife unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until we had been driving for about forty minutes.

And to add to the aggravation, we had to travel quite a distance before we could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

On the way back, I became the classic grouchy old man. I fussed and complained, and scolded my wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more I chided her, the more agitated I became - I just wouldn’t let up for a single minute. To her relief, we finally arrived at the restaurant.

As my wife got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses I yelled to her, "While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and my Visa card."

The rest of the ride was quiet - except for her non stop chuckling and a real big smile.

we just don't learn......

The wife comes home late at night from a night out with the girls. She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the sheets she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the sheet as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

“Hi, sweetheart,” he says. “Your parents have come to visit us. I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural northern Minnesota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in the country and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Minnesota. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’

The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”

The Farmer replied, “Well because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”

As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Trump strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.

The fart shakes the coach, but, the two Heads of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Trump and says:
"Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets. I am sure you understand
there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Trump, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought . .
until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.”

Jim Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Bubba says. “What’s that?”

The dean says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?” “Yeah.”

“Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a yard.”

“That’s true, I do have a yard.”

“I’m not done", the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”

“Yes, I do have a house.”

“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”

“I have a family.”

“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”

“Yes, I do have a wife.”

“And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”

“I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater.”

Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Jim Bob says, “What’s that?”

Bubba says, “I’ll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?”

“No.”

“Well then you’re a queer ain't ya”

Groan.
Aaw that's bad.
It's so bad I had to laugh.

I'm with JB... but it was FUNNY!

Then you'll love this one Johnboy....

One Day the lion wakes up in the jungle and finds that a tool is missing, he goes to an elephant and asks,

“Have you seen my tool?”

Elephant replies: “What does it look like?”

Lion: “Well it’s got four points on it.”

Elephant: “Sorry, I haven’t seen it, try mouse.”

So the Lion goes to the mouse and asks “Have you seen my tool?”

Mouse: “What does it look like?”

Lion: “Well it’s got four points on it.”

Mouse: “Sorry mate, I’ve not seen it, try croc.”

So the lion proceeds to the crocodile and asks “Have you seen my tool?”

Croc: “What does it look like?”

Lion: “Well it’s got four points on it.”

Croc: “Sorry I’ve not seen it, try Jaguar.”

So the lion goes to Jaguar and asks “Have you seen my tool?”

Jaguar: “Of course, I ate it.”

Lion: “Why did you do that?”

Jaguar: “Well I’m a four point tool eater Jaguar.”

I thought so little of it that I did a copy/paste and it's now on the joke page of the Mavericks NZ website.
With my name in the 'credit' panel.

And (so far) here's the response I got:



barracuda and bathcollector like this

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Post by Alf on 18 hours ago

Now I don't feel so bad about posting terrible jokes.................



I'm not getting old.... I'm just evolving.




Gumpy
Maverick
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Posts: 6,586

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15 hours ago

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Post by Gumpy on 15 hours ago

Sigh....

One evening, after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Hot Rod in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the workbench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage."
"You probably should consider selling your Hot Rod and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment... And what's the use of that old Harley motorcycle?"

Bob looked horrified!

She noticed and said, "Honey, what's wrong?"

He replied, "You are starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Bob replied, "I wasn't..."

FINALLY!! Something Funny!! rotflmao.. HAH!!!

That is awesome!