Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor. The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36'.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'

All y'all are welcome!
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Two old cowboys are lost in the desert. After wandering around for hours, no food, no water one looks out and sees a tree that's covered with slices of bacon!!
"Look!! It's a Bacon Tree!" he exclaimed, and he rushed to the tree only to be met with bullets from all directions!

His partner shook his head in dismay. "He wouldn't wait! I knew it wasn't a Bacon Tree! It was a Ham Bush!!!"

I was in a cafe this morning happily dipping my biscuits in other people's tea and they called the police.

Said I was dunkin' disorderly.

I was in a cafe this morning happily dipping my biscuits in other people's tea and they called the police.

Said I was dunkin' disorderly.

tell a bad joke once is OK but it is not going to get better the second time
just kidding keep up the good work

Originally Posted by TOW'D

tell a bad joke once is OK but it is not going to get better the second time
just kidding keep up the good work

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Now That's funny!!!
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Sorry jb

Try this one then...

A couple's once-happy married life nearly hit the rocks due to the constant presence of old Aunt Emma in their household. For seventeen long years, she lived with them, perpetually crotchety and demanding.

Eventually, Aunt Emma passed away. On their way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I could have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."

His wife stared at him in shock. "MY Aunt Emma!" she exclaimed. "I thought she was YOUR Aunt Emma!"
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one morning a blind bunny was hopping down a bunny trail when he tripped over a large snake and fell kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh please excuse me," said the bunny, "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "It was my fault, I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well I don't really know," said the bunny...I'm blind and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said "Well you're soft and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy nose...you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The bunny said "I can't thank you enough. But by the way what kind of animal are you?"
The snake replied that he didn't know either and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny had finished, the snake said, "Well what kind of animal am I?"
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...you must be a politician..."
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After twenty minutes in Bunnings trying to attract the attention of one of the staff I was getting a wee bit exasperated.

It's quite surprising how quickly you can get attention when you press the appropriate buttons on an electric chainsaw...
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A blonde stormed in to the front desk in a library and said "I have a complaint!"
"Yes Ma'am? said the librarian looking up at her.
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
Puzzled by the complaint the librarian asked, "What was wrong with it?"
"it had too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our telephone book."
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Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are chatting.
Dorothy says, "That nice George Johnson asked me out on a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna responds, "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me beautiful flowers! Then he took me downstairs, and there was a luxury car waiting—a limousine with a uniformed chauffeur and all. He took me out for a marvelous dinner: lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we’re coming back to my apartment, and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me twice!"
Dorothy exclaims, "Goodness gracious! ...so you're telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna replies, "No, no, no! I'm just saying; wear an old dress."
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It is a slow day in a little Greek Village.

The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

Wife: "It's 2 o'clock in the morning and you come home half drunk! Explain!"

Husband: "I ran out of money."
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Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the Hall of Residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
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