Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Its about time we starting playing hard ball with OPEC

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel.
Solution: Sell grain to them, for $136.00 a bushel.
Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!
Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camel ass!!!

Two Rednecks, Jim and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bubba and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.' Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the t wo leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jim says 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I a m a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar. He tells Bubba about his classes & how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Bubba says, 'What's that?'

Jim says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'

New Government Symbol
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Why don’t they have sex ed classes and driving classes on the same day in Afghanistan???


Because the camels would be too tired.

St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people
waiting to enter Heaven.

He asks the next one in line, 'So, who are you, and
what did you do on Earth?'
The fellow says, 'I'm Barack Obama, and I was the
first black to be elected President of the United States.'
St. Peter says, 'The U.S.? A black President? You
gotta be kidding me!
When did this happen?'
And Obama says, 'About twenty minutes ago.'

What is the difference between a blonde female and a blonde male?













The blonde female has a higher sperm count

Inner Peace

Some doctor on the television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over 'Nope'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!''

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.
'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a
ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside
plus a membership to the country club ........ (takes a breath) ...... and an invitation for ye all
to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and ...'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'

A young boy on his way home from school must pass a group of hookers.
Every day as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say 'Hi there, little boy.'
One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies.
She replies, 'Well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke.'
The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, 'Hi there ladies!'

Well, this Doctor who had a very successful Proctology practice finally decides he's had enough of dealing with peoples behinds and retires to pursue his live long dream to become an auto mechanic so he could work on his hot rod.

After the first year of school the doctor is given his exam to qualify for the next advanced class.
The instructor of the class gets a call from the Dean of the School and is asked to report to his office. The Dean asks why the Doctor received an A+++++ on his final exam.
The instructor exclaims that the final included rebuilding an engine while still mounted in the car.
The Dean asks why the excessive grade....any one of the better students could have done this task easily.
The instructor remarks, "Thru the tail pipe"?

Q: Why does Tiger Woods wear 2 pairs of pants?

A: Incase he gets a hole in 1.

Best Comeback Line Ever

In summary; the police arrested Ward Branham, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Lethbridge, Alberta, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Ward will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Calgary courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. 'You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around there for miles. At least I thought there wasn't,' he stated in a phone interview. Ward went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.'

'I guess I was just really into it, you know?' he commented, with evident embarrassment. In the process, Ward apparently failed to notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brin Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to (Ward) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin.' Taylor went on to describe what happened when SHE approached Ward. 'I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said . . . . . . .















'A pumpkin? Damn . . . is it midnight already?'

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the
door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. The CD player was playing
soft music,
and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Bill to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in- law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"

''Bill loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no
end....
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her
best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, lay on the couch waiting for
her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw
her lying there
so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"


'HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT'

Being retired...

Working people frequently ask retired people what we do to make our days
interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown to the news stand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my investments. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said, "Come on, man, don't you have anything better to do than write a retired person a ticket? Why aren't you out chasing crooks or child molesters? That's out of your league, obviously."

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him "Barney Fife."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus.

The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "OBAMA in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.