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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1051
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    George Carlin's New Rules For 2007

     



    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

    New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

    New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

    New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

    New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

    New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

    New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

    New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.

    New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

    New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

  2. #1052
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    send help quick

     



    quick someone send me a gallon of gas and a box of matches before this thing multiplies what a shame
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  3. #1053
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    when i wore a young childs clothes me and several of my brothers would take a small wagon and go to the market and buy watermelons for 25 cents each then walk all day around the community selling them .. after several days of this we came to notice we weren`t making any money .. how much do we charge for them ? one of my brothers ask ... 25 cents another brother replied ...well !! said i ... i see what the problem is ... we aint selling enuff .. we need a bigger wagon
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  4. #1054
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    DOCTORS OFFICE


    Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office
    should appreciate this!


    Doesn't it seem that more and more that physicians are
    running their practices like an assembly line? Here's
    what happened to Bubba:


    Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the
    receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said,
    "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical
    insurance number and told him to have a seat.


    Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and
    asked Bubba what he had.


    Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height,
    weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to
    wait in the examining room.


    A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba
    what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave
    Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
    electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his
    clothes and wait for the doctor.


    An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba
    what he had. Bubba said, "shingles." The doctor asked,
    "Where?"


    Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them??"

  5. #1055
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    A grade school teacher in upstate New York asked her class how many of them are 'Hillary fans'.

    Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy.

    The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Hillary fan."

    The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Hillary fan?"

    Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."

    The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.
    The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"

    The teacher asks, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

    So Johnny replies, "That would make me a Hillary fan."


    Age and treachery will always overcome youth and enthusiasm.

    Kenny

  6. #1056
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    Why Men Make Lousy Advice Columists...

     



    Dear Bob,

    I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

    I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.

    I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

    When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

    I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

    Can you please help?

    Sincerely,

    Mrs. Sheila Walker



    Dear Sheila:

    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

    I hope this helps
    Bob

  7. #1057
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Beer Troubleshooting ********************

    SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

    SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

    SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

    SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.

    SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

    SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

    SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

    SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.

  8. #1058
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    bear hunting in tenn

     



    a fellow hotrodder i know from out in californicate came to visit me this past summer and one time we were riding up in tenn and came across an amasing happening .. a big black bear was mauling a little yankee man from boston and the little man was holding his own pretty good when all of a sudden a pic up truck came flying up and billyray- joe bob bobbyjoe and several others jumped out of the bed of the truck and proceeded to beat the bear to death with a bunch of big sticks ..and then very tenderly attended to the little yankee fellow .. washing blood from him and stitching up his wounds .. my california friend was quite touched by the kindness shown to this boston stranger and i assured him all was not what it seemed .. we stopped and i said to billyray "" thats a nice bear you caught yerself .". he said yep ! ..my friend then thanked him for saving the life of the yankee and billyray said " yep " he`s a tough little feller and then proceeded to chain the yankee back to the tree and said " he`s the best bait we`ve ever had
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  9. #1059
    IC2
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    A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

    He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

    Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

    Upstairs the wife thinks (no dummy she), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

    She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'


    He never heard the shot.

    Funeral is next Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  10. #1060
    kitz's Avatar
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    Stumbled across this .............

    Kitz
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    Jon Kitzmiller, MSME, PhD EE, 32 Ford Hiboy Roadster, Cornhusker frame, Heidts IFS/IRS, 3.50 Posi, Lone Star body, Lone Star/Kitz internal frame, ZZ502/550, TH400

  11. #1061
    IC2
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    A guy is driving around the back woods of Georgia and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

    "Talking Dog for Sale"

    He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking yellow lab sitting there.

    "You talk?" he asks.

    "Yep," the lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

    The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ..the United States Marines you know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs". In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps
    (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

    "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    "Ten dollars," the guy says.

    "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

    "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Navy!"
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  12. #1062
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    Two Italian men were sitting behind an elderly woman on a bus. "Emma come first," one of the men said to the other. "Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I comea one more time." "Alright," yells the lady. "I've had enough of your filthy mouths! Keep your trashy sex talk to yourselves!" "Hey, coola down, lady," the man said, "I no talk about sex. I tella my friend how to spella Mississippi."

  13. #1063
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    one morning i was late in setting out the garbage .. as i heard the truck go by i told my wife to run and catch them .. she went after them shouting " you didnt stop at my house !! " they stopped and said " ok lady "" get in !!
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  14. #1064
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    Blond humor
    Attached Images

  15. #1065
    HOSS429's Avatar
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    dude .. 5 years and only 45 posts .. you need to speak up a bit more
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

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