Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

Man goes to his wifes Doctor to get the results of a test she took last week. Doctor says " Mr. Smith, there has been a mixup. We had TWO Mrs. Smiths in on the same day, and when the results came back we aren't sure which one is your wifes, and which one belongs to the other Mrs, Smith."

"Oh my, says Mr. Smith. Was the news good or bad?"

The Doctor says " One was very bad, and the other was terrible. One Mrs. Smith has Alzheimers, but the other one has AIDS."

"Can we run the test again?", asks Mr. Smith. "No, we can't," says the Doctor. "Your Blue Cross will only pay for one test."

"Well then, what should I do?" asks Mr. Smith.

Doctor says " We suggest you drive your wife out into a strange part of town and drop her off. If she finds her way home, DON'T MAKE LOVE TO HER."

Last line cleaned up for mixed company.

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques for my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

I strike a key end type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can putt the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have wrung this poem threw it
I am shore yore pleased two no
Its litter perfect awl the whey
My chequer tolled me sew.

johnboy

Grass or Mud?

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the five female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied. "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look out the window and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or the grass"

"Neither," yelled his wife, "They are in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

Originally posted by DennyW

smart pigs!!!

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.

Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you're telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no . . I'm just saying, wear an old dress!

One afternoon, a little girl returned home from school and announced that a friend had told her where babies come from.

Amused, her mother replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well, Mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and then the daddy's thingy stands up, and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."

Her mother shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye-to-eye, and said,
"Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry."

this is kind of sick,,,but i guess so am i!!! 3 generations of hookers sitting around the kitchen table on a sunday morning drinking coffee and telling stories,,,,,,grand-daughter says boy i had a good night last night, i got $150.00 a pop for blow-jobs!! mom said hoooo, in my best days we were lucky to get $25.00 for a blow-job!! grandma says let me tell you missies something, in my day we were just glad to have something warm in our stomachs!!!!!!

Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall!

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then
replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women
with big boobs."

One day, Jimmy Joe

was walking down Main Street

when he saw his buddy Bubba

driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him

with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you?

I knew she was kinda sweet on ya,
but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe,

let me tell you what happened.
We were driving out on County Road 6,
in the middle of nowhere.
Bobby Sue pulled off the road,
put the truck in 4-wheel drive,

and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck, got out,
threw off all her clothes and said,


'Bubba, take whatever you want'.


So I took the truck!"



"Bubba, you're a smart man!.
Them clothes woulda never fit you!

The senior center


The excitement was almost electric at the senior center as the guest hypnotist withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

........."SHIT!" said the hypnotist...




It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.

One day back when Mike was quick of mind and long on stamina he walked out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches,

"Can I help you, sir?"

"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" Mike replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasssh right here at the end of thisssh key!" Mike replies, logically, if a bit too literally.

About this time the cop looks down to see that Mike's business is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. The cop asks him, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Mike looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH Sssssshit ... They ssshtole my girlfriend too!!!"

I knew a guy one time that drove a Corvette, but was never quick of mind and long on stamina, bacause he walked around all day with his head stuck up his butt.

How can you tell when a mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean.

Originally posted by lt1s10
I knew a guy one time that drove a Corvette, but was never quick of mind and long on stamina, bacause he walked around all day with his head stuck up his butt.

Geez, Mike, does that mean that just cause I drove a Vette 38 years ago, I still got mine there?

Originally posted by Corvette64
How can you tell when a mechanic just had sex?
One of his fingers is clean.

Well, at least one is clean. I'm just wondering why you would be on an automotive forum, with such a low opinion of mechanics when you know most people here are or have been mechanics most of their lives.