Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Meller - you WILL pay for that one. Had to clean the screen, keyboard and the pup

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"

when we are already there?

10.Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?


11.Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?


12.Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?


13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?


14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?


15.Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?


16.If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?


17.If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?


18.If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?


19.If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?


20.Why is bra singular and panties plural?


21.Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control


when you know the batteries are dead?

22.Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?


23.How come abbreviated is such a long word?


24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?


25.Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


26.Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?


27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

The local doctor was stitching up the hand of an old farmer,and after a while the conversation switched to politics..and the doctor asked the farmer what he thought of..[Insert your UNfavorite politician]The old farmer said..''well,[politician]is just a post tortoise..
The doctor who was unfamiliar with the term,asked...''What is a post tortoise??
The farmer said..''Well,when ya driving down the road,and you see a tortoise on a post,,thats a post tortoise..The doctor still looked confused,,so the farmer explained..
You know he didnt get up there by himself,,he doesnt belong up there..he doesnt know what to do while hes up there..he sure isnt going any where,and you just wonder what dumb SOB put him up there in the first place..



My apologies if someone has already put this on here,cos I know I have seen it before..

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

CATHOLIC GOLF

Catholic or not you have to laugh at this one.


A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
the nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going
to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice.


"Shit, I missed."

YouTube - ‪Father's Day Gift Advice‬‏

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your
balls become.

There must be a ton of people in Ottawa and Washington playing marbles!

Limerick Time !
There once was a pervert named Weiner
Who had a sarcastic demeanor
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one wiener leaner

Dumb Newspaper headlines

1.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
2.Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use
3.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
4.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
5.Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says
6.Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
7.Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
8.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9.Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
10.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
11.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
12.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
13.Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy
14.Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
15.Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16.Actual Headline: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
17.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
18.If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
20.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
21.Teenage girls often have babies fathered by men
22.Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
23.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
24.Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
25.Infertility unlikely to be passed on
26.Work after Death
27.Child's death ruins couple's holiday
28.Milk drinkers are turning to powder
29.Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
30.Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
31.Lack of brains hinders research
32.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
33.Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
34.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
35.Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
36.Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
37.How to combat that feeling of helplessness with illegal drugs
38.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
39.Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
40.Here's How You Can Lick Doberman's Leg Sores

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...

Doctor: "What happened to you?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on beer he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Beer, just take a glass of sweetened tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow.. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Beer stupor.

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Beer, I swished with sweetened tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:


A wife asked her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me
and buy a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband returned with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asked him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk???"


He replied, "They had eggs."

LMAO - - - took 3 reads but I finally got it.
That's like the communication at our house.

Just trying to make sure you were awake, Em

(took me twice)

I heard a few days ago,that Hugh Hefner had been rushed to hospital.....
Apparently he is awaiting the birth of his next wife...

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high"