Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.

"How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

Originally posted by DennyW
Bricklayer's Accident Report ~

Possibly the funniest story in a while. This is a bricklayer's accident
report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....


Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar
bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain
unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.


Bill Fuller

A farmer went to town to buy some goods. He stopped at the hardware store and bought a pail and a hammer.

He then went to the market and bought a live goose and 2 chickens. He didn't know how to carry everything but the shopkeeper suggested "put the goose in the pail the hammer in one hand and hold each chicken under you arms.

He did this and started to walk home. Soon he saw a beautiful young lass with huge tits bulging out of a low cut dress. She looked lost.

He asked "Lassy can I help you, you look lost?" She replied, "I am, I'm looking for my Uncle Mr. Simms. The farmer said, "Why he's my neighbor, follow me there."

So off they went, he was getting tired so he suggested a short cut through an alley. "Why sir, how do I know that you will not force me against the wall and take me once we are alone in the alley?"

"Now how can I do that? Don't you see the goose, the hammer and chickens I carry?" he said. She replied "...well you can put the goose on the ground, the pail over the goose, place the hammer on the pail and I'll hold the chickens!"

There's this bloke drinking in a bar twenty stories up. Suddenly he opens the window, steps out, gently floats down to the pavement, walks back inside, gets in the lift, and returns to the bar.
All the other patrons are absolutely gob-smacked.
Half an hour later he does it again --- opens the window, steps out, gently floats down to the pavement, walks back inside, gets in the lift, and returns again to the bar.
One of the other drinkers comes up to him and says;"Excuse me, but I couldn't help but notice you, --- how did you do that?"
"Oh it's easy," said the first bloke, "simple physics. You drink beer, beer's cold and full of gas, the gas expands as it warms in your stomach, you become much lighter, and so you just float down to earth. It's fun. Try it."
So the second bloke did.
Opened the window, stepped out .....
SPLAT!!! on the pavement twenty floors down.
The barman looked at the first bloke, shook his head, and said; "You know, you can be a real s##t when you've been drinking Superman"

johnboy

Originally posted by johnboy
There's this bloke drinking in a bar twenty stories up. Suddenly he opens the window, steps out, gently floats down to the pavement, walks back inside, gets in the lift, and returns to the bar.
All the other patrons are absolutely gob-smacked.
Half an hour later he does it again --- opens the window, steps out, gently floats down to the pavement, walks back inside, gets in the lift, and returns again to the bar.
One of the other drinkers comes up to him and says;"Excuse me, but I couldn't help but notice you, --- how did you do that?"
"Oh it's easy," said the first bloke, "simple physics. You drink beer, beer's cold and full of gas, the gas expands as it warms in your stomach, you become much lighter, and so you just float down to earth. It's fun. Try it."
So the second bloke did.
Opened the window, stepped out .....
SPLAT!!! on the pavement twenty floors down.
The barman looked at the first bloke, shook his head, and said; "You know, you can be a real s##t when you've been drinking Superman"

johnboy

johnboy,did you get your name from the "waltons mountains tv show"?

Nothing much escapes your notice does it?
My mummy and daddy named me "John" nearly sixty years ago, I went farming and bought a place on the slopes of Mt Egmont. Then that damned "Waltons" programme came on TV and I've been "johnboy" ever since. And yes, you can say "Good-night johnboy," you won't be the first, and I doubt you'll be the last.

johnboy

Originally posted by johnboy
Nothing much escapes your notice does it?
My mummy and daddy named me "John" nearly sixty years ago, I went farming and bought a place on the slopes of Mt Egmont. Then that damned "Waltons" programme came on TV and I've been "johnboy" ever since. And yes, you can say "Good-night johnboy," you won't be the first, and I doubt you'll be the last.

johnboy

No, I live outside of Lynchburg, Va. on "Chandlers Mountain," which is about 3 hollers over from "Waltons Mountain." Nice part of the country.
http://www.waltonmuseum.org/

I forgot to say "Good-night johnboy,"

Originally posted by lt1s10
No, I live outside of Lynchburg, Va. on "Chandlers Mountain," which is about 3 hollers over from "Waltons Mountain." Nice part of the country.
http://www.waltonmuseum.org/

I forgot to say "Good-night johnboy,"

WELL!!!! Look at that! To say I'm gob-smacked would be an understatement.
I just thought you were being facetious, I didn't realise the Waltons are still that popular, man, there's even a fan club!
(Wanders around in a circle, shaking head and looking bemused.)
I looked through their merchandise, but unfortunately they don't have anything labelled "johnboy," I would've loved a hat or something.
I just didn't realise........I thought you would have to be an old fella to know who they were.
I just didn't realise...........
Many, many thanks for that.
Goodnight lt1s10.

johnboy

Originally posted by johnboy
WELL!!!! Look at that! To say I'm gob-smacked would be an understatement.
I just thought you were being facetious, I didn't realise the Waltons are still that popular, man, there's even a fan club!
(Wanders around in a circle, shaking head and looking bemused.)
I looked through their merchandise, but unfortunately they don't have anything labelled "johnboy," I would've loved a hat or something.
I just didn't realise........I thought you would have to be an old fella to know who they were.
I just didn't realise...........
Many, many thanks for that.
Goodnight lt1s10.

johnboy

i am old i'll see if i can find you a hat. good nite Johnboy!

i can get you a BOW TIE !!!!

http://cgi.ebay.com/1974-THE-WALTONS...QQcmdZViewItem


found you a hat John Boy

well i am only 18 and i used to watch the waltons (reruns obviously) so don't feel to old

Denny W, yep, you're right, he did want to be a city slicker, but I'm a city slicker that's turned red-neck country boy, boy! See, I can even talk red neck, boy!

lt1s10, a bow tie! Any social event I attended that meant I had to wear a tie (let alone a bow tie ) a) they wouldn't want me there, and b) I wouldn't want to be there!
Thanks for the hat, but it's in Chicago, and I ain't sending my hard-earned dosh to no Chicago gangster. (I know they're all gangsters and criminals there, 'cos I used to watch "G Men" too on the TV)
And you sure as ain't old, man. You're only three or four years older than I am. (Hold on..... I'll be fifty-nine next month .......damn! Maybe you are at that!)

Nineftfreak, don't apologise for being "only" eighteen, you'll grow out of it waaaaaaay too soon. Believe me.

johnboy

you're older than you think, you just don't know it yet. i found out Johnboy wan't much on hats. I wish I had a few of those old cars they drove around in. when I go passed Waltons Mountain I think I'm gonna see one of them coming down the rd.

I can never understand why women love cats......they're independant, they don't listen or come when you call. They stay out all night, and when they return they expect to be fed, stroked, and then left alone to sleep.......all the things women hate about men.

johnboy