Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

hope this isn't a repost

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet - which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

A nurse walks into a bank, exhausted after a twenty hour shift.
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write a check with it.
She looks at the teller and says, "Well! That's great, that's just great!
Some a**hole got my pen!"

Official Announcement

The government today announced that it is changing it's emblem from Eagle to Condom...........because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts productions, destroys the next generation, protects the bunch of pricks, and gives you sense of security while you actually being screwed.

Farmer had too many animals.
He decided to raffle off an old mule to thin the herd.
he sold 1,000 $2 raffle tickets.
The mule died before the raffle drawing.
When asked, weren't people disappointed that the mule was dead?
The farmer replied, "only the winner and I gave him his money back

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again..

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"




Don't mess with old people

my neighbor grows some of the most impressive big brite red tomatoes you have never seen .. my wife has been trying for years and has never had much luck .. one day she asked the guy " how do you grow so big and red of tomatoes ? " .. he said every morning i walk out here in my nite clothes and "flash" them briefly !! it embarasses them and makes them blush brite red .. my wife say`s " i`ll try that .. so after a week of flashing the neighbor asks my wife has it helped tomatoes ? no she said .. but you should see my cucumbers !!!!

Old Geezer and Young Blonde

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, old geezer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and drool over her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the geezer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old geezer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

Five year old's first job

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller asked the little girl how she had earned the money. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those a**holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**kin' sheet rock..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house, I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare

This black lady walks into the photo studio with her teen age daughter to have their portrait taken. The photographer sets them down in front of the camera then goes behind and puts his head under the black cape. The daughter asks the mother.... What he gona do? the mother replies.... he gona focus. The daughter asks in amazement.... boff us?

Roger that - none here wish Mr Obama ill and certainly not the fate of President Lincoln..

I agree with the "back to the jokes part..."'

Did you hear the one about the lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkey get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

That Christmas story at the beginning of this thread reminds me of one summer day when I and two of my 6th grade friends were sitting on the curb trying to think of something different to do that day. The three of us dug our hands into our pockets and came up with a total of 75 cents. My friend Johnny then suggested that we all go down to Sophie's (the local madam). He said his father goes there every now and then and always has a big grin on his face when he comes back. My friend Sammy and I agreed and away we went. When we got to Sophie's and rang the bell she opened the door and asked us what we wanted and Johnny said we wanted the same fun his father got when he came over. Sophie then asked us how much money we had and we showed her the 75¢. She thinks for a few seconds then tells us to come on in and sets us down in the front room. She then goes up stairs and gets a blow up doll and slips it between the sheets. She comes back down and asks "who's first?". Johnny says me so she takes him up to the room. When he comes back down Sammy and I ask him how was it? "Great" was his reply. I was next so up I go. When I get back down the other two ask me how I liked it. "Great" was my reply as well. Finally it is Sammy's turn so up he goes. He's up there a very long time and when he comes down Johnny and I ask him what took him so long. "Well" he says, "I get to the room and there she is under the covers, I climbed in and kissed her on the lips, nothing happened so I kissed her on the neck, still nothing so I bit her on the Tit. She laid a fart, flew around the room a couple of times then went out the window and that was it".

I swear, true story.

Jack

The world is just getting too complex for me. They mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up my purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found that 'Person of My Dreams'.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.