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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1516
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    After being married for 35 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day & said, Honey, 35 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed & watched a 10-inch black & white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot & sexy 19 year-old gal.
    Now I have a $ 250,000 home, a $55,000 car, nice big bed & plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 54 year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain.

    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out & find a hot, 19 year-old gal & she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed & watching a
    10-inch black & white TV.

    Aren't older women great?
    They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

  2. #1517
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    youther is offline CHR Head Dunce Visit my Photo Gallery
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    I was depressed last night so I called "Lifeline."
    Got a call center in Pakistan.
    I told them I was suicidal.
    They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
    Go Hokies!!!!!! ACC CHAMPS '04,'07,'08
    4-16-07

  3. #1518
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    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
    "Why of course," comes the reply.

    The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
    "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

    The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round
    to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man.

    Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
    "Dublin," comes the reply.
    "I can't believe it," says the first man.
    "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
    "Of course," replies the second man.

    Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
    "What school did you go to?"
    "Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
    "I graduated in '62."

    "This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
    "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

    About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
    "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
    "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

  4. #1519
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    1.Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

    2.When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's
    dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

    3.A penny saved is a government oversight.

    4.The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by
    then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

    5.The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
    replacement ...

    6.He who hesitates is probably right.

    7.Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

    8.If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

    9.If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to
    blame.

    10.The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
    he's really in trouble.

    11.There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look
    for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
    wrinkles don't hurt

    12.Did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS'
    together it spells 'Theirs.'

    13.Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
    your age and start bragging about it.

    14.The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

    15.Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want
    people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and
    some of the roads weren't paved.

    16.When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
    think of Algebra..

    17.You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

    18.Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

    19.First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then , you forget
    to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

  5. #1520
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    jyardgirl is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Satan

     



    One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Anytown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, and so on.
    Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

    Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had left the church except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

    Now, this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Hey! Don't you know who I am?"

    The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

    Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

    "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

    Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

    The man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
    BARB

    LET THE FUN BEGIN

  6. #1521
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    "Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
    "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree.. You can blame
    this'un on my
    Daddy. The reason I'm three
    hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

    Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.
    Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.
    Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and
    trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

    "You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote.
    The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat.
    Last night, when Daddy heard a noise
    out in the chicken pen, he grabbed
    his
    shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!"
    "Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!"

    "He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house

    he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled
    12 gauge shotgun through the
    window of the coop."

    "As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound

    dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy.
    Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old
    Zeke stuck his cold nose
    on Daddy's
    butt!"

    "Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"

  7. #1522
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    The year is 1947

    Some of you will recall that on July 8,1947, a little over 60 years ago,
    witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens
    aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New
    Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been
    covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and
    organizations.

    However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine
    months after that historic day, the following people were born:
    Albert A. Gore, Jr.
    Hillary Rodham
    John F. Kerry
    William J. Clinton
    Howard Dean
    Nancy Pelosi
    Dianne Feinstein
    Charles E. Schumer
    Barbara Boxer

    See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
    I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for
    you. It did for me.

    No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

    Now You Know

  8. #1523
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    Happy St Patricks

     



    Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

    Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Well, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

    'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

    Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

    'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

    'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

  9. #1524
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    Happy St Patricks II

     



    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

    'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

    'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

    'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

    'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

    'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

    That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty It was; but useless in a fight.'

  10. #1525
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    Happy St Patricks III

     



    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

    A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

    'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

    'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

    'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

    'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

    'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

  11. #1526
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    Happy St Patricks IV

     



    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

    'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.

    'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.. But where's my husband?'

    'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'

    'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'

    'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

    Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'

    'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.'

    'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'

    'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

  12. #1527
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    Happy St Patricks V

     



    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

    He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

    She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

    The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

    She says, 'That he did, Father.'

    The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

    'She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...

  13. #1528
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    Happy St Patricks finale

     



    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church , enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

    The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

    Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

    The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'

  14. #1529
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    Tax Audit


    The IRS
    sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

    "Yes," answered the Rabbi.

    "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

    "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

    "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

    "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

    "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

    "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

    "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

    "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS
    ."

    "To
    the IRS?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

    "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to
    the IRS...And about once a year, they send us a little pr**k like you."

  15. #1530
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    !!!LETTERMAN IN TROUBLE WITH NASCAR!
    >
    >>
    >
    >> Now, this is funny. I'll bet Dave Letterman does get
    >
    >> some 'flak' from the NAACP. Al Sharpton and the
    >
    >> Rev Jackson will go nuts !!!
    >
    >>
    >
    >> David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black
    >
    >> NASCAR drivers:
    >
    >>
    >
    >> # 10 Have to sit upright while driving.
    >
    >>
    >
    >> # 9 Pistol won't stay under front seat.
    >
    >>
    >
    >> #
    >
    > 8 Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
    >
    >>
    >
    >> # 7 Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants
    >
    >> at the same time.
    >
    >>
    >
    >> # 6 They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
    >
    >>
    >
    >> # 5 Police cars on track interfere with race.
    >
    >>
    >
    >> # 4 No passenger seat for the Ho.
    >
    >>
    >
    >> # 3 No Cadillacs approved for competition..
    >
    >>
    >
    >> # 2 When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
    >
    >>
    >
    >> AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN
    >
    >> NASCAR....... ........
    >
    >>
    >
    >>
    >
    >>
    >
    >>
    >
    >>
    >
    >>
    >
    >> # 1 They Can't wear their helmets sideways.
    >
    >>
    >
    >
    >
    >

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