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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1516
    Larry M's Avatar
    Larry M is offline Senior Club Hot Rod Member Lifetime Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

    Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

    Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.


    Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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    Every Day I Wake Up Above Ground Is a Good Day!!

  2. #1517
    Larry M's Avatar
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    New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

    I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

    For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

    Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

    An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b....

    If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

    Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

    They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

    Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

    An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

    These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

    Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

    ***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

    If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
    Every Day I Wake Up Above Ground Is a Good Day!!

  3. #1518
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to actually writing the ticket, and as he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said,
    "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." The farmer said, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper nodded and went back to writing the ticket.
    Then after a minute he stopped and said, "Hey, wait a minute... are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer replied, "Oh, no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper said, "Well, that's a good thing," and went back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer said, "Hard to fool them flies though."

  4. #1519
    fitzwilly's Avatar
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    1.. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I
    didn't.

    2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

    3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

    4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

    6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

    7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

    9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

    10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

    11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

    12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

    13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

    14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

    15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

    16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

    17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

    18.. Procrastinate Now!

    19..I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

    20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes..

    21..A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

    22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

    23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

    24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

    25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

    26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.

    27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

    28..The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

    29.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
    Last edited by fitzwilly; 08-25-2009 at 03:55 PM.

  5. #1520
    abicarsy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Nice post! It is really interesting.
    Honda Accord 2008 Car Parts Information

  6. #1521
    IC2
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    World's shortest fairytale

    Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, drove fast cars and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and Jack Daniels bourbon and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted and scratched whenever he wanted. THE END
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  7. #1522
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    now thats a good one dave.
    BARB

    LET THE FUN BEGIN

  8. #1523
    glennsexton's Avatar
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    For Everything Else.. There's Mastercard
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    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  9. #1524
    glennsexton's Avatar
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    I was confused when I heard the word 'service ' used with these agencies.

    Internal Revenue 'Service '
    Postal 'Service '
    Telephone 'Service '
    Cable TV 'Service '
    Civil 'Service '
    Provincial, City, County & Public 'Service '
    Customer 'Service '


    This is not what I thought 'service ' meant.


    But today, I overheard two farmers talking,
    and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service ' a few cows.


    BAM!!! It all came into focus.

    Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  10. #1525
    fitzwilly's Avatar
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    A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

    On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but
    less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as
    first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the
    injured Marine what had happened.

    The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along
    the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
    We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the
    road.

    I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife
    scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted
    Kennedy was a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who
    didn't know how to drive, and Obama is an idiot .

    So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses
    and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.

    He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

    "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when
    a truck hit us."

  11. #1526
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    The local news station was interviewing an 84 year old lady because she had just gotten married...... for the fourth time.
    The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation.
    "He's a funeral director," she stated.
    Interesting, the interviewer thought.
    Then he asked her if she wouldn't mind telling a bit about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
    She paused for a moment, needing time to reflect on all those years.

    After a moment, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly that she had married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's and, now, in her 80's, a funeral director.
    The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked her why she had married men of such diverse careers.
    "Easy son," she answered.
    "I married one for the money,... two for the show,... three to get ready and four to go."

  12. #1527
    stovens's Avatar
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    :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  13. #1528
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    Democrats, realizing the big success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of the Obama Nationalization - Health Care Plan.

    President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reid are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named....

    "CASH FOR CODGERS" and it works like this... Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person on the day of delivery. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.

    Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, - and any member of the Republican Party.

    Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, cheese, or Girl Scout Cookies.

    All codgers will be rendered totally useless via a toxic injection, - similar to that given to the engines of the 'clunker' trade ins. This will insure that they like the vehicle 'clunkers' are not secretly resold (traded in) or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair and among society.


    Judging by this I should be gone soon. I'll miss you guys...

  14. #1529
    IC2
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    I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!

    I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.


    Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!


    In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

    My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

    One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!


    I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative! To my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

    In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.


    What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

    I thank you, once again, for having a great product.



    Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
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    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  15. #1530
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same
    complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip
    replacement.

    The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same way and
    has a time booked for surgery the following week.

    The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an
    appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray,
    which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery
    scheduled for 6 months from then.
    Why the different treatment for the two patients?





    The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
    The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

    Next time, please take me to a vet!

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