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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #886
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    Thought for the day . . . There is more money being spent on
    breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This
    means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with
    perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to
    do with them.
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  2. #887
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    A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

    After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake.
    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


    An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

    "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

    The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

    "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !"

    The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


    Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm.
    She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

    Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

    They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

    "I lied about my age", Bob replies

    "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
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    A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"

    A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!
    Dave

  3. #888
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    Quote Originally Posted by RestoRod
    A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

    "No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?"

    "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

    "No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

    "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

    There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.

    "Why not?" asks the captain.

    "Jews sink Titanic."

    "Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"

    " Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, Iceberg, ...... no mattah... alla same."

  4. #889
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    Arrow

     



    ......................
    Last edited by 42K3; 09-22-2007 at 09:08 AM.

  5. #890
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    150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private
    investigator - Alan Pinkerton for protection.

    That was the beginning of the Secret Service.

    Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number of
    multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc., etc.

    Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service ".

    Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in their black
    outfits with jackets saying across their backs: F. A. T. A. S. S.

    The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of the Home Land
    Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics
    Enhancement Section or the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.

    I feel safer already

  6. #891
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    Drinks on a flight....

    A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne .
    After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a glass of wine, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
    He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a half a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
    The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said........
    "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

  7. #892
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    A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
    They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

    To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son.
    Men Use them to have safe sex."

    "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

    He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

    The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

    "Cool" says the boy.

    He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

    "Those are for college men," the dad answers,

    TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

    "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a
    12 pack.

    With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...

  8. #893
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    Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

    The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have
    passed all the tests, except one. Now you must pass
    one more in order to qualify for this job."

    Mujibar said, "I am ready"

    The manager said, "Make a sentence using the
    words Yellow, Pink and Green."

    Mujibar thought for awhile and said,
    "Mister manager, I am ready"

    The manager said, "Go ahead."

    Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,
    and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

    Mujibar now works as a technician at a call
    center for computer problems.

    No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.

  9. #894
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    Man, Yellow72, that's so close to truth that is almost not funny.
    Duane S
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    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  10. #895
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    Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer are walking together one day.
    They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

    "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total" says the Genie.

    The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will >also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

    Pooooof! With a blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

    Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want an impenetrable wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran with all believers of Mohammad inside and all Jews, Americans, and other infidels forever outside our precious state.


    "Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.......

    The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall".

    The Genie explains, "Well, it's 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds these countries........ it's virtually impenetrable.
    Now what is your wish?"

    The American engineer smiles and says.... "Fill it with water."


    Pooooof.....

    WORLD PEACE!!!

  11. #896
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    little blue pill

     



    Blue Pill

    An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the Pharmacist for the little blue pill.

    The pharmacist asked "How many?"

    The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into Four pieces."

    The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you Through intimacy.

    The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore.

    I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."

  12. #897
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    The Ohio Cow

    The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The
    people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Dayton
    Ohio, for $200.00.

    They bought the cow from Ohio and the cow was wonderful. The cow
    produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and
    very happy.

    They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more
    cows so they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

    They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

    However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move
    away.

    No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from
    the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

    The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very
    wise, what to do.

    They told the Vet what was happening.

    "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.
    If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
    When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
    An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

    The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked,

    "Did you buy this cow in Ohio ?"

    The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they
    bought the cow.

    "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow
    in Ohio ?"

    The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Ohio."

  13. #898
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    Italian Boy's Confession

    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been a week since my
    last Confession, here is my sin: I have been with a loose girl."

    The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

    "Yes, Father, it is."

    "And who was the girl you were with?"

    "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

    Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
    may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

    "I cannot say."

    "Was it Teresa Volpe?"

    "I'll never tell."

    "Was it Nina Capelli?"

    "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

    "Was it Cathy Piriano?"

    "My lips are sealed."

    "Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

    "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

    The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny
    Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You
    cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
    yourself."

    Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
    whispers, "What'd you get?"

    "4 months vacation and five good leads."
    Dave

  14. #899
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    I rear ended a car a few days ago...I tell you, It was a REALLY bad day!
    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

    He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

    So I said, "Well, which one of the 7 ARE you then?"
    Dave

  15. #900
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    Didn't know that

     



    Didn't Know That.. not really jokes, but interesting stuff


    Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
    A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called "pygg". When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as "pygg banks." When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.


    Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do not?
    A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave..


    Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
    A: When buttons we re invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. And that's where women's buttons have remained since.


    Q Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
    A: In the Middle ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document, The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.


    Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called "passing the buck"?
    A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would "pass the buck" to the next player.


    Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
    A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the host's glass with his own.


    Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be "in the limelight"?
    A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, performers on stage "in the limelight" were seen by the audience to be the center of attention.


    Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use "mayday"as their call for help?
    A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning "help me" -- and is pronounced "mayday,"


    Q: Why is someone who is feeling great "on cloud nine"?
    A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares..


    Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called "love"?
    A: In France , where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called "l'oeuf," which is French for "egg." When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced it "love."


    Q: In golf, where did the term "Caddie" come from?
    A. When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl (for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot game "golf." So he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into "caddie."
    Dave

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