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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #2596
    Mudduck3's Avatar
    Mudduck3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
    Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
    Rrumbler and 34_40 like this.

  2. #2597
    MelloYello's Avatar
    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A wife was curious when she found two old negatives in a drawer and had them made into prints. She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband. When she showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!", he said with appreciation, "That's my old Ford!".
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  3. #2598
    lamin8r's Avatar
    lamin8r is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Quote Originally Posted by MelloYello View Post
    A wife was curious when she found two old negatives in a drawer and had them made into prints. She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband. When she showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!", he said with appreciation, "That's my old Ford!".
    Then the fight started.. hehehee
    stovens and Mudduck3 like this.
    Micah 6:8

    If we aren't supposed to have midnight snacks,,,WHY is there a light in the refrigerator???

    Robin.

  4. #2599
    MelloYello's Avatar
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    August Mariner likes this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  5. #2600
    rspears's Avatar
    rspears is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: '33 HiBoy Coupe, '32 HiBoy Roadster
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    LEARNING TO CUSS
    A 6 year old and his 4 year old brother are raking the yard.
    The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
    The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass".
    The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

    When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
    "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".

    WHACK!
    He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

    She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

    "I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios"..
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  6. #2601
    lamin8r's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rspears View Post
    LEARNING TO CUSS
    A 6 year old and his 4 year old brother are raking the yard.
    The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
    The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass".
    The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

    When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
    "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".

    WHACK!
    He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

    She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

    "I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios"..
    Heehehe...Love it..
    Micah 6:8

    If we aren't supposed to have midnight snacks,,,WHY is there a light in the refrigerator???

    Robin.

  7. #2602
    stovens's Avatar
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    That one had me chuckling too!
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  8. #2603
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    A guy begins dating a beautiful woman and really begins to fall for her. But he is a little disturbed about a quirk she has.....she's always grabbing his *****. When they go out to eat, she reaches under the table and touches his crotch. In church she grabs his *********. When he's visiting his family with, she cops a feel whenever she can.

    Still, the man loves this women, so one night after making love he says, "Ya know, I feel very strongly about you. I get a lot of positive vibes about our relationship and I'd like to take it to the next level. But I have a question for you.....why are you always touching my *****?"

    Says the girl, "Because I miss mine."
    34_40 likes this.
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  9. #2604
    Rrumbler is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Quote Originally Posted by HOSS429 View Post
    A guy begins dating a beautiful woman and really begins to fall for her. But he is a little disturbed about a quirk she has.....she's always grabbing his *****. When they go out to eat, she reaches under the table and touches his crotch. In church she grabs his *********. When he's visiting his family with, she cops a feel whenever she can.

    Still, the man loves this women, so one night after making love he says, "Ya know, I feel very strongly about you. I get a lot of positive vibes about our relationship and I'd like to take it to the next level. But I have a question for you.....why are you always touching my *****?"

    Says the girl, "Because I miss mine."

    Rrumbler, Aka: Hey you, "Old School", Hairy, and other unsavory monickers.

    Twistin' and bangin' on stuff for about sixty or so years; beat up and busted, but not entirely dead - yet.

  10. #2605
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 Ford 3W Coupe Replica
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rrumbler View Post

    DITTO! roflmfao!

  11. #2606
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    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  12. #2607
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rrumbler View Post
    Aaaaahhhhh,,shock,,horror... heheheheee.......
    Micah 6:8

    If we aren't supposed to have midnight snacks,,,WHY is there a light in the refrigerator???

    Robin.

  13. #2608
    Mudduck3's Avatar
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    What do you call a hooker with a runny nose??
    /
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    Full!!

  14. #2609
    Mudduck3's Avatar
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    INTERESTING STUFF


    In the 1400's a law was set forth in England
    that a man was allowed to beat his wife
    with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
    Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

    ------------

    Many years ago in Scotland , a
    new game was invented.
    It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...
    Ladies Forbidden'... and thus,
    the word GOLF entered
    into the English language.

    ------------

    The first couple to
    be shown in bed together
    on prime time TV was
    Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

    ------------

    Every day more money
    is printed for Monopoly
    than the U.S. Treasury.

    ------------

    Men can read smaller
    print than women can;
    women can hear better.

    ------------

    Coca-Cola was
    originally green.

    ------------

    It is impossible to
    lick your elbow.

    ------------

    The State with the
    highest percentage of
    people who walk to work:

    Alaska

    ------------


    The percentage of
    Africa that is wilderness: 28%
    (now get this...)

    ------------

    The percentage of
    North America that is wilderness: 38%

    ------------

    The cost of raising
    a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

    $ 16,400

    ------------

    The average number of people
    airborne over the U.S.
    in any given hour:

    61,000

    ------------

    Intelligent people
    have more zinc and copper
    in their hair.

    ------------

    The first novel ever
    written on a typewriter:
    Tom Sawyer

    ------------

    The San Francisco
    Cable cars are the only mobile National
    Monuments.

    ------------

    Each king in a deck of playing cards
    represents a great king from history:

    Spades - King David

    Hearts - Charlemagne

    Clubs - Alexander, the Great

    Diamonds - Julius Caesar

    ------------

    111,111,111 x
    111,111,111 =
    12,345,678,987, 654,321

    ------------

    If a statue in the
    park of a person on a horse
    has both front legs in the air,
    the person died in battle.
    If the horse has one front leg in the air,
    the person died because
    of wounds received in battle.
    If the horse has all four legs
    on the ground, the person died
    of natural causes

    ------------

    Only two people signed the
    Declaration of Independence on July 4:
    John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
    Most of the rest signed on August 2,
    but the last signature
    wasn't added until 5 years later.

    ------------

    Q. Half of all Americans live
    within 50 miles of what?


    A. Their birthplace

    ------------

    Q. Most boat owners name their boats.
    What is the most popular boat name requested?

    A. Obsession

    ------------

    Q. If you were to spell out numbers,
    how far would you have to go until you
    would find the letter 'A'?

    A. One thousand

    ------------

    Q. What do bulletproof vests,
    fire escapes,
    windshield wipers
    and laser printers
    have in common?


    A. All were invented
    by women.

    ------------

    Q. What is the only
    food that doesn't spoil?

    A. Honey

    ------------

    Q. Which day are
    there more collect calls
    than any other day of the year?

    A. Father's Day

    ------------

    In Shakespeare's time,
    mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
    When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
    making the bed firmer to sleep on.
    Hence the phrase...
    'Goodnight , sleep tight'

    ------------

    It was the accepted practice
    in Babylon 4,000 years ago
    that for a month after the
    wedding, the bride's father
    would supply his son-in-law
    with all the mead he could drink.
    Mead is a honey beer and
    because their calendar
    was lunar based, this period
    was called the honey month,
    which we know today as
    the honeymoon..

    ------------

    In English pubs, ale
    is ordered by pints and quarts...
    So in old England , when
    customers got unruly, the bartender
    would yell at them 'Mind
    your pints and quarts, and settle down.'

    It's where we get
    the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

    ------------

    Many years ago in England ,
    pub frequenters had a whistle
    baked into the rim, or handle,
    of their ceramic cups.
    When they needed a refill,
    they used the whistle
    to get some service.
    'Wet your whistle'
    is the phrase
    inspired by this practice.

    ------------

    At least 75% of people who read
    this will try to lick their elbow!

    ------------

    Don't delete this just because it looks weird.
    Believe it or not, you can read it.

    I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
    Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

    ------------

    YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...



    1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.



    2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.



    3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.



    4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.



    5.Your reason for not staying in touch
    with friends and family is
    that they don't have e-mail addresses.



    6. You pull up in your own driveway and
    use your cell phone to see if anyone is
    home to help you carry in the groceries.



    7. Every commercial on television has
    a web site at the bottom of the screen



    8. Leaving the house without your cell phone,
    which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60)
    years of your life, is now a cause for
    panic and you turn around to go and get it.



    10. You get up in the morning and
    go on line before getting your coffee



    11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )



    12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.



    13. Even worse, you know exactly to
    whom you are going to forward this message.



    14. You are too busy to notice
    there was no #9 on this list.



    15. You actually scrolled back up
    to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list




    ~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~



    NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.



    Go lick your elbow!!!
    August Mariner likes this.

  15. #2610
    Rrumbler is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mudduck3 View Post
    What do you call a hooker with a runny nose??
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    Full!!
    Booo, hisss!!!!!!

    rspears and MelloYello like this.
    Rrumbler, Aka: Hey you, "Old School", Hairy, and other unsavory monickers.

    Twistin' and bangin' on stuff for about sixty or so years; beat up and busted, but not entirely dead - yet.

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