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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1096
    jyardgirl's Avatar
    jyardgirl is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1971 monte carlo
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    A little old lady is walking down the street,
    > dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand.
    >
    > There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while
    > a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.
    >
    > Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there
    > are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
    >
    > "Damn!" says the little old lady ... "I'd better go
    > back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the
    > warning!"
    >
    > "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you
    > get all that money? Did you steal it?"
    >
    > "Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back
    > yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.
    > Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the
    > bushes, right into my flower beds!
    >
    > So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
    > clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through
    > the bushes, I yell: "'$20 or off it comes!'"
    >
    > "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By
    > the way, what's in the other bag?"
    >
    > "Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay!!!!"
    >
    > *****************************
    BARB

    LET THE FUN BEGIN

  2. #1097
    Yellow72's Avatar
    Yellow72 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 6-71 blown smallblock '72 corvette
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    A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

    Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

    The woman continued to bounce on the bed and she says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

    "The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"

    "Your name never came up," she replied.

  3. #1098
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Sentence structure is so important

    The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of
    two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they
    were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would
    fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

    Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after
    partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

    The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this
    before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

    "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like sh*t."

  4. #1099
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    9 WORDS WOMEN USE

    (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

    (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

    (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

    (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

    (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

    (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.DO NOT say "you're welcome" .... that will bring on a "whatever").

    (8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*cK YOU!

    (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

  5. #1100
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Cat in the Hat on Aging.
    Attached Images

  6. #1101
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    A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students.

    "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

    A little girl raised her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

    "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

    "That must have been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'.... And before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him."
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  7. #1102
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    Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting
    about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all
    three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their
    eyes.

    After a few days they meet up for lunch.

    The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me
    with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
    'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night
    long.

    The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I
    was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
    When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all
    night.

    The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the
    night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
    stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the
    door and saw me he said,

    'What's for dinner, Batman?'


  8. #1103
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    Why did the chicken cross the road?

     



    DR. SEUSS
    Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
    Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
    but why it crossed, I've not been told!

    GRANDPA
    In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.

    Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that
    was good enough for us.

    JOHN LENNON
    Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.


    VOLTAIRE
    I may not agree with what the chicken did,
    but I will defend
    to the death its right to do it.

    SIGMUND FREUD
    The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed

    the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

    ALBERT EINSTEIN
    Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move

    beneath the chicken?

    BILL CLINTON
    I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
    What do you mean

    by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

    COLONEL SANDERS
    Did I missed one?

  9. #1104
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    ORIGIN OF THE HUMAN RACE
    A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
    The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

    Two days later she asked her father the same question.
    The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was evolved."
    The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were evolved from monkeys?"

    The mother answered, "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side."
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  10. #1105
    IC2
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    In one episode of "Cheers", Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this:

    "Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  11. #1106
    roofcam's Avatar
    roofcam is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    UPS pilots and the mechanics.

    -----Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but
    only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance
    for those who fly routinely in their jobs.

    After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called
    a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems
    with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems;
    document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
    review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
    humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints
    submitted by UPS 'pilots (marked with a P) and the
    solutions recorded (marked with an S)
    by maintenance engineers.

    By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has
    never, ever, had an accident. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
    per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
    serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
    like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.
    Leo Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the RODS that take your breath away.

  12. #1107
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    What Gets Longer When Pulled,

    Fits Between your Boobs,

    Inserts Neatly in a Hole

    AND Works Best When Jerked?

    (scroll down)





































    A Seatbelt you Pervert! Buckle Up!



  13. #1108
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    An old Scottish World War 1 flying ace is on a talk show and is telling some of his adventures during the big one.

    He starts: "One fine morning I was on patrol over France...when two Fokkers came divin' outa the sun and strafed me"

    (The crowd gasps at the term "Fokker")

    "I turned and dove on the first Fokker <crowd gasps again> and shot him outa the sky".

    "The second Fokker (crowd gasps again) was on my tail...guns ablazin', so I pull a loop and get behind him and pump that Fokker (crowd gasps again) fulla lead"

    By this time the host has to break in and explains to the crowd that a Fokker is a type of German aircraft.

    "Ahh...that's true...but these Fokkers were flyin' Messerschmidts"

  14. #1109
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for
    the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked
    his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was
    Breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied. "Well, strip down
    to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded,
    rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed,
    rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he
    said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk." "I
    know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

  15. #1110
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    DOG FOR SALE!!

    Even if you don't own a dog at present, you'll appreciate the efforts of
    this owner to sell her dog.

    Read the sales pitch!

    Dog for sale!

    * Free to good home.
    * Excellent guard dog.
    * Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore,
    as there are no more thieves, murderers, or
    molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
    * Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.'

    Attached Images
    Last edited by RestoRod; 04-17-2008 at 09:33 PM.

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