Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

They can't warn "truck" either.

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.


No further testing was considered necessary!

A seven year old kid walks up to the woman behind the counter in a chemist shop.
"Can I have a packet of tampons please?" he asks.
She raises her eyebrows at his request and asks "Are they for your mother dear?"
"No, they're for me."
This raises her eyebrows a bit further. "Perhaps you'd better explain," she says.
"I saw on the television that if I use tampons I'll be able to swim and ride a bicycle. At the moment I can do neither."

With that one about Mahatma Ghandi I thought I'd better bring this one out of the closet too...




I suppose it's about time I told this story...I've kept quiet about it for years...but now I think it can finally come out...it was a long time ago...


It all started when my sister and brother-in-law bought a ten acre block up Valley Road in Paraparaumu, and needed it fenced into smaller paddocks.
They got a quote from a local fencing contractor for $180 per chain, (a chain is a lineal measure; 1 chain = 66 ft.,) which they thought rather excessive, so asked me for my opinion.
Being young and dumb, and proud of my fencing skills, I offered to do it for them for nothing...and hey; that's what you do for family.
So She and I loaded my fencing gear into the car and headed for Paraparaumu expecting to knock the job out in a week or so.

Oh boy! Was I in for a surprise!

On my land I'd budget on 35 minutes for a strainer hole, another 35 mins. for stay and plate, and 5 mins. per post hole.
Whereas their land is all rotten rock...every hole had to be dug with a crowbar; if I got two strainer/stay assemblies in in a day I was doing well.
So the job took much longer than anticipated.
But my farm had to be run at the same time...so I sent She back home (with the car,) while I stayed on to fence the block up, sleeping in the wee shed on the property.
I soon found there were some things I really needed for creature comfort, so I started making a wee list for 'stuff' I needed to buy from down in the village.

1) Soup. Versatile stuff, and easy to prepare on the wee gas burner I'd brought with me.

2) A cauli. I really love my veges, and cauliflower is one of my favourites.

3) Fridge. Gotta have somewhere to keep my cauli...and my beer!

4) Elastic. The elastic band in one pair of my dacks had given out, and they were bunching around my crotch...most uncomfortable.

5) Eggs. They too are versatile...scramble them, fry them, poach them...all good.

6) Peas. Yep...love my veges.

7) Halitosis. Not expecting to be long, I hadn't brought enough tooth-paste...and its got pretty bad when you spit on the grass and it shrivels in a puff of smoke.

So I set off on the ten mile walk to town, intending to get a local courier to bring these things (and me,) back up to Valley Rd.
I was about half way there when I realised I'd left my list behind, so I started chanting it under my breath so that I wouldn't forget anything.
One of the locals, driving to town himself, saw me walking and stopped to give me a lift.
(He was English, or French, or Belgian, or some other sort of Italian.)
"What's that you're saying?" he asked.
So I told him.
"Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis."
"Hmm," he said. "I think I can do something with that. Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis. Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious."

So now you know how it came about.
And I first put those words to paper.

Grandmas don't know everything...
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.


A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I posted this message before? or did I get it from you!?

A husband and wife were having a bad day.

They were arguing a lot until the wife got fed up and said to just write her a note if he really wanted to talk to her. He agreed, so for the rest of the day they passed notes here and there.

At night the husband left a note on the table saying,

“Please wake me up at 6 A.M, I have to get up early for a very important meeting at work.”

He went to sleep and all was well. The next morning he woke up and immediately realized something was wrong, he was too rested for comfort. He looked at the time and panicked because it was already 9:00 o'clock.

He ran to his wife and asked why she didn’t wake him up. She glanced at the table.
Next to his note was another one. He opened it and it said,

“Wake up, it’s 6 A.M.”

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little old, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him .........


but they kind of taste like peppermint.

along that vein and yet not very funny at the time at the service station i worked at in the mid 80`s the nite closing crew forgot to set the safety catch on the car lift with a reasonable new mercedes convert of some kind up in the air .. the next morning it was found upside down in the next bay .. it came down on the tire rack stored nearby and flipped off ..

Originally Posted by HOSS429

along that vein and yet not very funny at the time at the service station i worked at in the mid 80`s the nite closing crew forgot to set the safety catch on the car lift with a reasonable new mercedes convert of some kind up in the air .. the next morning it was found upside down in the next bay .. it came down on the tire rack stored nearby and flipped off ..

There's a new, bright red C8 Corvette up for auction that suffered the same fate. Fell off of the lift at the dealership and they ordered the guy a new one - https://www.hotrod.com/articles/2020...4198F82D317D4B

A buxom young lady decides to go for a swim in the ocean, so she wades in and is hit by a huge wave, tearing off her bikini top and washing it out to sea.
She tries to cover herself up with her hands and arms and heads back to shore.
Just as she walking is out of the water and heading for her beach towel and clothes,
a little boy comes up to her and says, "Hey lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with the brown nose."

A huge thank you to my neighbour for allowing me to borrow her large sheet of plastic covering.


Ta, Pauline.

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said:

“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."

I gave all my dead batteries away today…


Free of charge.


The positive side is that I recycled them instead of sending them to landfill.


The negative is that I didn't get paid.

During my last physical examination, the doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through bush.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees - (ahhh, what a relief.)
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers"
Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied,



"I'm just a shit golfer".