Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a dry
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have
Give more.

Expect less


NOW ............ .

Enough of that crap . .. The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your a$$, it always comes back to bite you.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Parliament Buildings :

One is from White Rock, another is from Victoria and the third is from
Prince George.
All 3 go with An official to examine the fence.

The Prince George Contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well" he says "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials,
$400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Victoria contractor also does some measuring, and figuring,
then says, "I can do this job for $700, $300 for materials, $300 for my crew,
and $100 profit for me."

The White Rock contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
official and whispers, "$2700"

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The White Rock Contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me $1000 for you, and
we hire the guy from Victoria to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS HOW GOVERNMENT CONTRACTING WORKS.

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?"
The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic.

You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again.
"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter.

The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment.

Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"

Dont Have joke I can tell on here, but I do have a picture of my new Hunting FOX. I would have gotten a hunting Dog but I'm really into thinking outside the box. How many guys you ever heard of with a hunting FOX?

Please Picture Below

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer neglige' for his wife. He is shown
several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (no dummy am I), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as
well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

You heard of the story where the little boy was tending a hurd of sheep that cryed "WOLF" because he was bored? In the end of the story when there really was a wolf nobody came to help because everyone thought it would be yet another prank. The moral of the story had always been "Never tell a lie."

I'm here to say NOOOOOOOO - THAT is not the moral of the story.
The real moral of the story is to come up with better excuses.

The first time the boy cried wolf and the villagers came running the boy should have said "All of the noise you made rushing to help scared the wolf off."

The second time when the boy cried wolf and the villagers came running the boy should have said in his best Get Smart voice "You missed him by THAT much" - "You need to be faster if we are going to catch this wolf".

THEN when there really is a wolf and the boy cries out and the villagers race to aid the boy - He is seen as the hero instead of the boy that kept telling lies. Ticker tape parades, statues are erected in his honor, he becomes famous for his bravery and saving the community.

gee... sounds like a polititian

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !' The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese. '

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America !' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Pakistan , I am not American!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?' She says, 'No, I am from Africa !' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'

The lady checks her watch and says... 'Probably at work'

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.


Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've
>
> been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
>
> 'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
>
> His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand
>
> in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat -
>
> I do not have a headache,
>
> I do not have a headache,
>
> I do not have a headache.
>
> It Worked! The headaches are all gone.'
>
> The husband replies, 'Well, that is wonderful.'
>
> His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the
>
> bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see
>
>if he
>
> can do anything for that?'
>
> The husband agrees to try it
>
> Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
>
>picks
>
> up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
>
> He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He goes
>
> into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed
>
>and
>
> makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
>
> His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!'
>
> The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' He goes back Into the
>
> bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
>
> The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
>
> Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, He goes
>
> back in the bathroom.
>
> This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom she sees
>
> him standing at the mirror and saying,
>
>
> 'She's not my wife.
>
>
> She's not my wife.
>
>
> She's not my wife.'
>
>
> His funeral services will be held on Friday.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade. "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. "After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the the ehaust pipe. . .

A man and his wife, moved back home to North Carolina , from Texas . The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Texas cost $2000.00 a year!!

When they arrived in North Carolina , they went to an insurance Agency to see how much it would cost to insure the leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in North Carolina to insure it, because it cost him $2000.00 in Texas !!!!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,

'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:

Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00. You just have to know how to describe it!

In 2007, 5 million of our “older” Americans had not signed up in the given time for their Medicare, Part D Drug Plan. They are old and confused. Yet they were not granted an extension.

However; the 12 million illegal aliens in our country were allowed to stay, protest, procreate, receive support monies, attend schools, avoid paying income taxes, have our teachers take 300 hours of Spanish as a Second Language and training at our expense, etc.

The government must really dislike our older American citizens or they must love tacos!

Let us see how the government will handle the program in 2009 for our senior citizens.

Oh by the way! Don't forget to pay your taxes. 12 million illegal aliens are depending on you!

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled."

"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late.

baptizing a drunk..............

> A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

> The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

> "Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

> The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

> The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."

> By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

> When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

> The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

> "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"