Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Marilyn, half his age, in a small Newfoundland community.

After several months, Marilyn complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother, all Newfie women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Burin.

The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Father, would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Marystown to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Marilyn still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Marilyn to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Marilyn went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'I 'opes' youse was paying attention, ... Cause that, me son, is how you wave a towel!!

Sorta Gives new meaning to the terms

Low Rider, High Tide, Full Moon and

Crack Kills!

A rich lawyer was going down the street in his limo when he
saw a hobo kneeling in a park, eating the grass. The lawyer
asked his chauffeur to stop and rolled down the window to
talk to the poor fellow. The lawyer asked, "How come you are
eating this grass?"

The hobo replied, "I have no money and no house, so my
family and I live in this park, eat the grass, and drink out
of the drinking fountain."

The lawyer said, "Well, I'm rich. Go get your family and
friends, and you can all come to my house and I'll feed you."

Eventually the hobo, his family, his friends, and his
friends' families all piled into the limo. As they were
driving down the road, the lawyer broke the silence. "You
know, you guys are really going to like it at my house. The
grass is at least a foot long in the back."

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?

The man replied, 'Toronto '.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Toronto.'

' I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to
have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to
your problem. I have two male talking parrots,
which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. '

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and
we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and
worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .
that phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,
'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in
with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
' Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male
parrot and exclaimed,

'Put the beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered!'

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.

The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.


The Grandfather replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

' television

' penicillin

' polio shots

' frozen foods

' Xerox

' contact lenses

' Frisbees and

' the 'pill'

There were no:

' credit cards

' laser beams or

' ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

' pantyhose

' air conditioners

' dishwashers

' clothes dryers

' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

' man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . And then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'.

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . But who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

' ; 'grass' was mowed,

' 'coke' was a cold drink,

' 'pot' was something your mother cooked in and

' 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby.

' 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office,

' 'chip' meant a piece of wood,

' 'hardware' was found in a hardware store and

' 'software' wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a generation gap... And how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready ?????







This man would be only 62 years old.

(Actually some of these were available, but not to the point that everyone had one or even knew about the item)

Hillbilly Birth
Deep in the back woods, of Letcher county, Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!"
Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough,within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't put that lantern down yet, it seems there's yet another one coming," cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "You recon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Many, many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter,
who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother to the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild. For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.

17 Dollar Gangsta...................................

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO
BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL , SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."

"A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE
FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!"

Three blondes are training to be police officers. The man who is training them takes out a picture and asks the first blonde, "What do you notice about the man in this picture?"

The blonde says, "He only has one eye!".

The man says "No, no, it's a side view."

Then he says to the second blonde, "What do you notice about this man?"

. The 2nd blonde says, "He only has one ear!".

The man says "Hello, it's a side view! Geez!".

So the man goes over to the last blonde and says, "What do you notice about this man?"

. The final blonde says, "He wears contacts!"

The man goes to the FBI computer and looks the man in the picture up - sure enough - he wears contacts!

The man says, "How did you know that?"

. The blonde says "Well, if he only has one eye and one ear, how can he wear glasses?"

Soon my................

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew,
he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad’ replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....

'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're sh*tting in the bed!

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for
several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice,
along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and
peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming
when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you
leave!'

The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding
the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast

Sex, Church, and Pankakes

Sex :
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'



CHURCH:

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

Pancakes


Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'