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Cheers !!
Sometimes, after playing golf, I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth
My previous wife and I bought a water bed.....but we soon drifted apart
I heard a good quote yesterday about bad luck
" If I fell in a swimming pool full of titties I'd come up sucking my own thumb"
cracked me up
Attachment 62852
!!!!!!!!!!!
Now that's one of the best one's I've heard in a long time.
Thanks for the chuckle! :)
Thanks, Mudduck, that is definitely a laugh maker. I often say that it takes a good bit to make me laugh, and that one did it.
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Police Harassment
Recently, the Chula Vista, California Police Department ran an e-mail forum
with the local community (a question
and answer exchange) with the topic being, "Community Policing." One of
the civilian e-mail participants posed the following question:
"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually
harass people and get away with it?"
From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett, obviously a
cop with a sense of humor replied:
"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In Chula Vista,
we average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops
are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we
do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments
that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. At any
given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and
available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So
roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents.
When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that
attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where
a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.
Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives
a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a
second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is
not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge
day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some
tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically
harass.
The tools available to us are as follow:
PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to
focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his
wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give
somebody some special harassment.
Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house." The
harassment team is then put into action.
CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They
like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no
driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them
out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light.
Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they
have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant
on file.
RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police
officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a
beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass
them for hours to determine why they didn't want to talk to us.
STATUTES: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better
to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to
harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor
Vehicle Codes, etc...They all spell out all sorts of things for which
you can really mess with people. After you read the statute, you can
just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of
these listed offenses and harass them.
Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this
book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission
to harass this guy. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and
it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks
to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens
who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they
pay us to "harass" some people.
Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger wave."
That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can't harass me."
It's one of our favorites. Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a
little bit better how we harass the good citizens of Chula Vista.
A 1st grade teacher was readiing the
story of the Three Little Pigs to her
class. She came to the part of the
story where first pig was trying to
gather the building materials for
his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to
the man with the wheelbarrow full
of straw and said:
'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of
that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the
class: 'And what do you think the man
said?'
One little boy raised his hand and
said very matter-of-factly, "I think
the man would have said, 'I'll be a
son of a bitch!! A talking pig!"
The teacher had to quietly leave the room.
There were protesters outside my local grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America and our involvement in the Middle East.
I politely declined to take one.
There was an elderly lady and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman’s shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a soft voice, “Lady, don’t you care about the children of Iraq?”
The old woman looked up at her and said: “Honey, my father died in France in World War II, I lost my husband in Korea and a son in Vietnam. All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again I’ll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.”
I could have pushed the 'like' button twice for that!
A guy, who was not feeling well, went to the hospital to have tests run.
Two days later, he received a call to get to the hospital as fast as he could and NOT to have contact with anyone.
Upon arrival, he was ushered to a room where everyone was in HAZMAT suits......
The lead doctor said, "Sir.....I am sorry to inform you that your tests came back and you are positive for HEADS."
The guy says, "Huh? What the hell is HEADS?
The doc says, "Well, Sir....it is a mutated virus that combines Herpes, Ebola, AIDS, Diphtheria and Syphilis..."
"Oh, Dear God!" the guy replies, "What can you do?"
The doctor says, "Just stay calm....the first thing we are going to do is get you a room all to yourself. Then, we are going to start you off with a diet of pancakes and pizza....."
The guy says, "Wait! What? Pancakes and pizza? Will that help cure me?"
"Well,.....no." says the doctor, "But, it's the only things we can slip under the damn door...."
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're
not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you.
I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again."
The man, feeling anguished and betrayed, went directly into his
bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife dead.
A few moments later, a second text came in, "Bloody Spell Check!!
Sorry Bob, the second sentence should refer to "your Wifi'."
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Not so Professional Sports ?
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:"I wan' all dem kids to do
what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me.”
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to
rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:"You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
9. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'".
10. Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
11. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
An oldie but goodie!
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion..
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
