Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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That one is good, lmao....

An elderly couple go to the doctors and explain that the old man is having trouble 'rising to the occassion'.

The doctor says "I can do something about that. You have probably heard about the new wonder drug called Viagra. Here is a bottle of Viagra pills. Take these home, give them a try and come back in a few days to tell me how you get on".

Three days later the couple return to the doctors.

"How did you get on?" asks the doctor.

The old man says "Not too good. We took the tablets home and that night I tried with my left hand but that was no good
. I tried with my right hand and I tried with both hands together but that did not work.
My wife tried with her left hand; she tried with her right hand and she tried with both hands together.
But it was still no good. She tried with her teeth in and she tried with her teeth out.
we even went over and got the neighbor to help
But we still could not get the top off the bottle!"

George Burns said
Sex at my age is like trying to play pool using a length of rope

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

.

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the ne wspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt


.

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars! '
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes,
So the doctor decides to show
The old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ? the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator
And takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him,
He sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph

And he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy.
He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor....
Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,













'Please unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..
He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'


They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.


After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place
for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..


The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!


'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you
meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ..


Wait for it

... ....


It's coming

..... ....


She said ... ...:



'You just happened to catch my eye.'


==================================================

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?", she asked.
"Hunting flies", he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?", she asked.
"Yup, 3 males and 2 females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell the difference?"
He responded, "Well, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

An old hearing impaired gentleman visited his doctor and he had been warned to be careful as he had a heart murmur.

The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. "Don't you remember what I told you the other day?" he inquired.

"Oh, I surely do." the old gent replied, "Best dang advice I ever had. I did just as you said.
I got me a hot mama and I'm cheerful"

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.




Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.





Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.



Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.



Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.



Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator (engineers).



Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.



Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.



Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't, and if you are feeling amorous afterwards then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.



Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?



Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2012, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.



This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says,
'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.

That's an automatic fine.'

The driver says,
'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says,
'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
' WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)

'Only when he's been drinking'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This of course, does NOT apply to any of us:



One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'

And they say blondes are dumb....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.
------------ --------- -------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor ------------
--------- --------- --------- ----

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy. .
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world……...
………….Then He made the earth round.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Truthfully, we had a guy near by who did that two years ago, but on a single story ranch - not nearly so dramatic. However, after about two weeks he had so many complaints that he took the dummy down, and strung his lights normally.....

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter repl! ied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called "Cojones de Toro",.... bull testicles from the bull fight this morning. A mucho grande delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order..'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.......Sometimes, the bull wins'.

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a catholic elementary school test.

Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following 25 statements about the bible written by the children.

They have not been retouched or corrected.incorrectspellings have been left in...


1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mountcyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandment was when eve told adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery..

11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of david's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.