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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #121
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    I'm Down At The Bottom Of My Barrel Well One's I Can Post That Is I Need To Get More Material Well I Do Have One Left ------------------------------------------------------------Do You Know What Animal Has The Short 'is Sex Life -------------- Frog Jump On Then Jumps Off Then Crocks
    drive it like ya stole it

  2. #122
    Oldf100fordman's Avatar
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    3-Kick RULE

    A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Nebraska. He shot and dropped a
    bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

    The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
    now I'm going to retrieve it."

    The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in
    Nebraska and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts of Nebraska. We settle small disagreements like this with the Husker Three Kick Rule."

    The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

    The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, First I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on Back and forth until someone gives up."

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
    custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

    The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his
    rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
    Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  3. #123
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Oldf100fordman
    3-Kick RULE

    A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Nebraska. He shot and dropped a
    bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

    The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
    now I'm going to retrieve it."

    The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in
    Nebraska and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts of Nebraska. We settle small disagreements like this with the Husker Three Kick Rule."

    The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

    The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, First I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on Back and forth until someone gives up."

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
    custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

    The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his
    rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
    Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
    I like it dang lawyer anyhow
    drive it like ya stole it

  4. #124
    TRUCKGUY's Avatar
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    good one
    Dan

    Home page http://www.danstrucks.4t.com

    dont have anything good to say/(type) dont say/(type) NOTHING AT ALL..........(figure out the rest)....

  5. #125
    Oldf100fordman's Avatar
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    Teaching Math In 1950

    ************************ A logger sells a truckload
    of lumber for $100.
    His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is
    his profit?


    Teaching Math In 1960

    ************************ A logger sells a truckload
    of lumber for $100.
    His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
    What is his profit?


    Teaching Math In 1970

    ************************ A logger sells a truckload
    of lumber for $100.
    His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

    Teaching Math In 1980

    *********************** A logger sells a truckload
    of lumber for $100.
    His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
    Your assignment:
    Underline the number 20.

    Teaching Math In 1990

    ************************ By cutting down beautiful
    forest trees, the
    logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of
    making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the
    question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the
    trees. (There are no wrong answers.)


    Teaching Math In 2005

    ************************
    El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta
    de production es
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  6. #126
    TRUCKGUY's Avatar
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    Red face Here are some more

     



    A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without You, we are but dust. . . "
    He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what's butt dust?"

    1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
    Unique Up On It.

    2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
    Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

    3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
    They Take The Psycho Path

    4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
    You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

    5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
    Dam!

    6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
    Polaroid's

    7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
    A Stick

    8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
    Nacho Cheese.

    9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
    Subordinate Clauses.

    10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
    Quattro Sinko..

    11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
    Spoiled Milk.

    12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
    a frost bite


    When the power mower broke and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make my point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks." The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite awhile before the casts come off.
    Dan

    Home page http://www.danstrucks.4t.com

    dont have anything good to say/(type) dont say/(type) NOTHING AT ALL..........(figure out the rest)....

  7. #127
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    Re: Here are some more

     



    Originally posted by TRUCKGUY
    A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without You, we are but dust. . . "
    He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what's butt dust?"

    1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
    Unique Up On It.

    2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
    Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

    3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
    They Take The Psycho Path

    4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
    You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

    5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
    Dam!

    6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
    Polaroid's

    7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
    A Stick

    8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
    Nacho Cheese.

    9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
    Subordinate Clauses.

    10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
    Quattro Sinko..

    11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
    Spoiled Milk.

    12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
    a frost bite


    When the power mower broke and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make my point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks." The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite awhile before the casts come off.
    No Doubt I Think If I Were To Do Something Like That I Would Be Singing Soprano And Would Have To Go To The Doctors To Get My Balls Out Of My Throat
    drive it like ya stole it

  8. #128
    TRUCKGUY's Avatar
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    Dan

    Home page http://www.danstrucks.4t.com

    dont have anything good to say/(type) dont say/(type) NOTHING AT ALL..........(figure out the rest)....

  9. #129
    TRUCKGUY's Avatar
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    Talking didnt want to open a new thread so here

     



    > >Texas Survivor Show
    >
    > >
    >
    > >Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do
    >
    > >one entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style."
    >
    > >
    >
    > >The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin
    >
    > >, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville.
    >
    > >
    >
    > >They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock
    >
    > >and Amarillo.
    >
    > >
    >
    > > >From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to
    >
    > >Dallas.
    >
    > >
    >
    > >Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:
    >
    > >
    >
    > >"I'm gay &want to get married, I love the Dixie Chicks, Boycott Beef, I
    >
    > >voted for Al Gore, George Strait Sucks, Kerry in '04, Hillary in 08, and
    >
    > >I'm here to confiscate your guns."
    >
    > >
    >
    > >The first one who makes it back to Dallas alive wins.
    Dan

    Home page http://www.danstrucks.4t.com

    dont have anything good to say/(type) dont say/(type) NOTHING AT ALL..........(figure out the rest)....

  10. #130
    TRUCKGUY's Avatar
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    Arrow here is another

     



    Redneck Love poem



    Collards is green,
    My dog's name is Blue
    And I'm so lucky
    To have a sweet thang like you.

    Yore hair is like cornsilk
    A-flapping in the breeze.
    Softer than Blue's
    And without all them fleas.

    You move like the bass,
    Which excite me in May.
    You ain't got no scales
    But I luv you anyway.

    Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
    Jist a-fry'n in the pan.
    Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
    Right out of the can.

    You have some'a yore teeth,
    For which I am proud;
    I hold my head high
    When we're in a crowd.

    On special occasions,
    When you shave under yore arms,
    Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
    And awed by yore charms.

    Still them fellers at work,
    They all want to know,
    What I did to deserve
    Such a purdy, young doe.

    Like a good roll of duct tape
    Yo're there fer yore man,
    To patch up life's troubles
    And fix what you can.

    Yo're as cute as a junebug
    A-buzzin' overhead.
    You ain't mean like those far ants
    I found in my bed.

    Cut from the best cloth
    Like a plaid flannel shirt,
    You spark up my life
    More than a fresh load of dirt.

    When you hold me real tight
    Like a padded gunrack,
    My life is complete;
    Ain't nuttin' I lack.

    Yore complexion, it's perfection,
    Like the best vinyl sidin'.
    Despite all the years,
    Yore age, it keeps hidin'.

    Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
    With a RC cold drank,
    We go together
    Like a skunk goes with stank.

    Some men, they buy chocolate
    For Valentine's Day;
    They git it at Wal-Mart,
    It's romantic that way.

    Some men git roses
    On that special day
    From the cooler at Kroger.
    That's impressive," I say.

    Some men buy fine diamonds
    From a flea market booth.
    "Diamonds are forever,"
    They explain, suave and couth.

    But for this man, honey,
    These won't do.
    Cause yore too special,
    You sweet thang you.

    I got you a gift,
    Without taste nor odor,
    More useful than diamonds......
    IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
    Dan

    Home page http://www.danstrucks.4t.com

    dont have anything good to say/(type) dont say/(type) NOTHING AT ALL..........(figure out the rest)....

  11. #131
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    Here Little Doggy Here Little Doggy Hey Ya Seen My little doggy Hes A Spotted Little Doggy With A Chip On His Shoulder
    drive it like ya stole it

  12. #132
    drg84's Avatar
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    All I want for christmas is All The Money That We Spent On Gas In The US This Year
    Right engine, Wrong Wheels

  13. #133
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    A frog approaches the teller in a bank. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

    "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

    She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
    (you're gonna love this)
    (its a real treat)
    (a masterpiece)
    (wait for it)

    The bank manager looks back at her and says...
    "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack.
    Give the frog a loan.
    His old man's a Rolling Stone."

    You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I knew you would lol ).
    drive it like ya stole it

  14. #134
    pro60chevy's Avatar
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    I hope this is a first post.

     



    A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his drinking buddies late one night. When they staggered into the bedroom,
    they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.

    "What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests
    asked.

    "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

    "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

    "Yup," replied the drunk.

    "How's it work?" the bleary-eyed friend asked, squinting at it.

    "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an
    ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

    Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole it's three o'clock in the morning!
    Mike Casella

    www.1960Belair.com

  15. #135
    TRUCKGUY's Avatar
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    Re: I hope this is a first post.

     



    Originally posted by pro60chevy
    The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

    Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole it's three o'clock in the morning!



    hey Denny i'm glad i'm not him to
    Dan

    Home page http://www.danstrucks.4t.com

    dont have anything good to say/(type) dont say/(type) NOTHING AT ALL..........(figure out the rest)....

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