Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Her name is: Five Horses

This is mythical and deep... Truly beautiful...


A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean .. . .





. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

A duck hunter was out on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, he woke up on a hospital bed. His doctor said,"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor.



"She's a flute player. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

Its that time of the year again!!


The Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds she yanks them vigorously and the boy convulses violently then coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before; it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The
robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's
your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about
physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, but
he is curious... So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender
says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." Again, the robot
makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR,
Budweiser and John Deere tractors.


The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks
he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot
says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini," and the robot
brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 60."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you
voted for Obama?"

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Old Sea Story

There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boatswain that his men smelled bad.


The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.


The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"


The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."


He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!"





THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:



Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.

Some guys are just luckier than others

Crack in my widshield!

It's Hell to be Old....................................

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,









'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Oh My Goodness - now I don't care where you're from - that's funny (and my IQ is 165+)...

Larry M

A new Publix Supermarket opened in Morristown, TN. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

A little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone,
from school one day, when a big man in a car pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, "Hey there,
do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The car again pulls up beside her and asks,
"I will give you $10 if you hop in the car." "NO!"
says the little girl as she hurries down the street.
The car pulls up beside the little girl again
and says, "I'm feeling generous today! I'll give you
20 bucks and a big bag of candy if you will just hop
in my car and go for a ride with me."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him
and screams out. . .


"Look Dad, you're the one who bought the Ford
instead of the Chevy! So ride in it by yourself!"

An elderly gentleman.....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'