Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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I'd say calling that loose gravel would be the epitome of understatement!

Originally Posted by rspears

If this is "LOOSE GRAVEL" I don't wanna be anywhere near "FALLING ROCKS"!!

This made me chuckle as back when I was around 8 years old we lived in the mountains, and when we would drive to town there would be "Look for Falling Rocks" signs-,
My Dad told me that they were for "Big Chief Falling Rock" and that I should watch out for him-this went on for years, and I was so gullible!
So, when my boys were growing up I decided that it was time for my fun, and I told them the same story-,my oldest looked at me wide eyed and said "I saw him just last week!!"
It was priceless!

I continued on with my games (being a Grandpa is so much fun!) and recently one of my Grandaughters asked me where Tapioca comes from (as she was eating it)-I told her it came from the Tapioca Bird and she probably shouldn't eat it because of how it was produced-I'm such a stinker!!
You should have seen her reaction when she found out I was pulling her leg!

Originally Posted by 35WINDOW

So, when my boys were growing up I decided that it was time for my fun, and I told them the same story-,my oldest looked at me wide eyed and said "I saw him just last week!!"
It was priceless!

I continued on with my games (being a Grandpa is so much fun!) and recently one of my Grand daughters asked me where Tapioca comes from (as she was eating it)-I told her it came from the Tapioca Bird and she probably shouldn't eat it because of how it was produced-I'm such a stinker!!
You should have seen her reaction when she found out I was pulling her leg!

OH, Yes you are!

I read a 'Teach Yourself How To...' book the other day.
This one taught you how to fall down stairs.
It teaches you step by step.

My Grandpa convinced me that he changed the high beams by flicking his fingers at the dash.

No matter how many times I tried, I couldn't make it work.

A door to door salesman was driving down a country road one day when he came upon a chicken that was really running fast. Salesman tried to pass the chicken when he noticed the chicken had 3 legs. and the chicken was keeping right up at 50 mph. Salesman speeds up to 70 and the chicken passes him and cuts off to the right up ahead so the salesman follows and comes to a farm down the road and stops. He asks the farmer if he saw a 3 legged chicken.
''Yes'' said the farmer.
''Is that your chicken?''
''Yes ''replied the farmer.
''Why does it have 3 legs?'' asked the salesman.
''Well I bred that chicken to have 3 legs'' says the farmer.
''Why would you do that?'' asked the salesman.
'' Its simple really. my wife likes the drumstick, and may son likes the drumstick and I like the drumstick. so with a 3 legged chicken we can all have a drumstick.'' replied the farmer.
''How do they taste?' 'asked the salesman.
'' We don't know since we haven't ever been able to catch one.'' said the farmer.

tastes like chicken?

Originally Posted by 34_40

tastes like chicken?

Isn't that the answer for a lot of questions?

Originally Posted by rspears

Isn't that the answer for a lot of questions?

I use that line constantly! Helps keep me out of trouble I think. 8-)

Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on his cell. The wife said "Where are you, you know we have lots to do."

He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that.”

Ahhhh - it's so much fun to grow older. I can relate with most of these and I'm willing to bet a lot of us here at CHR can as well.

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

"Mummy mummy, can I lick the bowl?"

"Nah, do what everyone else does and flush it."

That was a bit rough Johnboy…. made me LOL.. but oh my!!

Part two... anyone else relate? I thought so.

1. I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

2. I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

3. I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's because I missed my exit.

4. My goal for 2021 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.

5. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?

6. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

7. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

8. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

9. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

10. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

11. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing outside they closed school? Yeah, me neither.

12. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

13. I love being 70; I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.

14. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.

15. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

16. Just remember, once you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

17. Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

18. It's weird being the same age as old people.

19. When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.

20. Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.

21. It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.

22. Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

23. Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember - don't sing!

24. If 2021 was a math word-problem: If you're going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

25. I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

26. So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

27. Coronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you're loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next, you're crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don't even like.

28. I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

29. You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

30. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Oh too funny - and while you're at it list the number of stiches required to put your face and chest back together!!