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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #331
    Nineftfreak's Avatar
    Nineftfreak is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    well i am only 18 and i used to watch the waltons (reruns obviously) so don't feel to old

  2. #332
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Denny W, yep, you're right, he did want to be a city slicker, but I'm a city slicker that's turned red-neck country boy, boy! See, I can even talk red neck, boy!

    lt1s10, a bow tie! Any social event I attended that meant I had to wear a tie (let alone a bow tie ) a) they wouldn't want me there, and b) I wouldn't want to be there!
    Thanks for the hat, but it's in Chicago, and I ain't sending my hard-earned dosh to no Chicago gangster. (I know they're all gangsters and criminals there, 'cos I used to watch "G Men" too on the TV)
    And you sure as ain't old, man. You're only three or four years older than I am. (Hold on..... I'll be fifty-nine next month .......damn! Maybe you are at that!)

    Nineftfreak, don't apologise for being "only" eighteen, you'll grow out of it waaaaaaay too soon. Believe me.

    johnboy
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  3. #333
    lt1s10's Avatar
    lt1s10 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    you're older than you think, you just don't know it yet. i found out Johnboy wan't much on hats. I wish I had a few of those old cars they drove around in. when I go passed Waltons Mountain I think I'm gonna see one of them coming down the rd.
    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
    http://hometown.aol.com/kanhandco2/index.html




  4. #334
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    I can never understand why women love cats......they're independant, they don't listen or come when you call. They stay out all night, and when they return they expect to be fed, stroked, and then left alone to sleep.......all the things women hate about men.

    johnboy
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  5. #335
    meagain is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Man goes to his wifes Doctor to get the results of a test she took last week. Doctor says " Mr. Smith, there has been a mixup. We had TWO Mrs. Smiths in on the same day, and when the results came back we aren't sure which one is your wifes, and which one belongs to the other Mrs, Smith."

    "Oh my, says Mr. Smith. Was the news good or bad?"

    The Doctor says " One was very bad, and the other was terrible. One Mrs. Smith has Alzheimers, but the other one has AIDS."

    "Can we run the test again?", asks Mr. Smith. "No, we can't," says the Doctor. "Your Blue Cross will only pay for one test."

    "Well then, what should I do?" asks Mr. Smith.

    Doctor says " We suggest you drive your wife out into a strange part of town and drop her off. If she finds her way home, DON'T MAKE LOVE TO HER."

    Last line cleaned up for mixed company.

  6. #336
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Eye halve a spelling chequer
    It came with my pea sea
    It plainly marques for my revue
    Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

    I strike a key end type a word
    And weight four it two say
    Weather eye am wrong oar write
    It shows me strait a weigh.

    As soon as a mist ache is maid
    It nose bee fore two long
    And eye can putt the error rite
    Its rare lea ever wrong.

    Eye have wrung this poem threw it
    I am shore yore pleased two no
    Its litter perfect awl the whey
    My chequer tolled me sew.

    johnboy
    johnboy
    Mountain man. (Retired.)
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.
    I don't know everything about anything, and I don't know anything about lots of things.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  7. #337
    lt1s10's Avatar
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    Grass or Mud?

    A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

    After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

    The first morning, the farmer with the five female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

    While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied. "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."

    The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

    This continued each morning for more than a week.

    One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look out the window and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or the grass"

    "Neither," yelled his wife, "They are in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
    http://hometown.aol.com/kanhandco2/index.html




  8. #338
    lt1s10's Avatar
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    Originally posted by DennyW
    smart pigs!!!
    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
    http://hometown.aol.com/kanhandco2/index.html




  9. #339
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.

    Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

    Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

    Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... two times!"

    Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you're telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

    Edna: "No, no, no . . I'm just saying, wear an old dress!

  10. #340
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    One afternoon, a little girl returned home from school and announced that a friend had told her where babies come from.

    Amused, her mother replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?"

    The little girl explained, "Well, Mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and then the daddy's thingy stands up, and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."

    Her mother shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye-to-eye, and said,
    "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry."

  11. #341
    lagnaf77's Avatar
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    joke duel

     



    this is kind of sick,,,but i guess so am i!!! 3 generations of hookers sitting around the kitchen table on a sunday morning drinking coffee and telling stories,,,,,,grand-daughter says boy i had a good night last night, i got $150.00 a pop for blow-jobs!! mom said hoooo, in my best days we were lucky to get $25.00 for a blow-job!! grandma says let me tell you missies something, in my day we were just glad to have something warm in our stomachs!!!!!!

  12. #342
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    Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall!

    A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
    He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
    "I've lost my grandpa!"

    The cop asked, "What's he like?"

    The little boy hesitated for a moment and then
    replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women
    with big boobs."

  13. #343
    dogtag's Avatar
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    One day, Jimmy Joe

    was walking down Main Street

    when he saw his buddy Bubba

    driving a brand new pickup.

    Bubba pulled up to him

    with a wide grin.

    "Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

    "Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

    "She gave it to you?

    I knew she was kinda sweet on ya,
    but a new truck?"

    "Well, Jimmy Joe,

    let me tell you what happened.
    We were driving out on County Road 6,
    in the middle of nowhere.
    Bobby Sue pulled off the road,
    put the truck in 4-wheel drive,

    and headed into the woods.
    She parked the truck, got out,
    threw off all her clothes and said,


    'Bubba, take whatever you want'.


    So I took the truck!"



    "Bubba, you're a smart man!.
    Them clothes woulda never fit you!
    My Ride
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    13' Wilwood brakes with
    Hydraboost power.

  14. #344
    lt1s10's Avatar
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    The senior center


    The excitement was almost electric at the senior center as the guest hypnotist withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.

    He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

    ........."SHIT!" said the hypnotist...




    It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.


    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
    http://hometown.aol.com/kanhandco2/index.html




  15. #345
    Corvette64's Avatar
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    One day back when Mike was quick of mind and long on stamina he walked out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches,

    "Can I help you, sir?"

    "Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" Mike replies.

    The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

    "It wasssh right here at the end of thisssh key!" Mike replies, logically, if a bit too literally.

    About this time the cop looks down to see that Mike's business is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. The cop asks him, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

    Mike looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH Sssssshit ... They ssshtole my girlfriend too!!!"

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